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I am struggled to understand why I am still where I am. I left with our young child a year ago but returned. He said he wanted to work on things and would go to couples counselling – this he quickly went back on.
Last year was up and down and a few months ago I said I’d had enough and wanted to split and sell our home. He seemed to agree and even had a plan of what he would do and acknowledged that our child would live with me elsewhere. He said he would complete some works on our home to help the sale. After a month of no progress I asked him his timescale to be ready to sell and he said at least 6months. When I said my timescale was asap he became difficult. Since his
general behaviour has been the same, sometimes civil (which is such a relief I have to remind myself it still isn’t normal), interluded with criticising, unreasonable communication and trying to control time with our child. He seems to have slipped back into life going forward without changing and has started to make plans on a longer term basis that wouldn’t be possible if we sold. It’s like he has forgotten that we agreed to sell and split.
I find myself wondering why I have no action, why do I put up with living with someone who slags off me and my family, when even in the good times he can’t even, say ‘hello/ good morning / happy new year.
Has anyone felt similar? Why can’t I push things along? Even when I think I’ve taken the steps to split, it feels like Groundhog Day and I find myself back at the beginning again. -
Hello Yellowsky
oh its exhausting isn’t it! We can never trust the words of an abuser, they say what they need to at the time, even if there was never any intention. Gaslighting you. Future faking.
You will have to go ahead without him, either instruct others to do the work, or sell it without the work doing first, but stick to what you need to do and get done so you can move on with your life.
Its very tiring trying to get anything progressed when you are dealing with an abuser, you will just have to take control yourself, so long as you are not risking your safety.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hello Yellowsky, welcome to the forum.
These men are exhausting. They gaslight and manipulate so that we are sapped of energy to resist. They then have the control to carry on as they please.
As Twisted Sister says, you need to take back some control to move the situation on. I would suggest you go to see a solicitor and get some advice on selling your home and dividing the proceeds (if you are married then they can also advise on the divorce). Some solicitors will offer an initial 30 minute free appointment. You can also ring Rights of Women family law helpline. They have limited hours and get very busy but it is worth trying to get through.
Good luck.
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