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I don’t know if my situation is classed as abuse. It’s a long one but please read on…
I have been in a relationship with the father of my (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have an (detail removed by Moderator) year old daughter from a previous relationship who also lives with me.
He has constant mood swings and we (my eldest daughter and me) will be ‘treading on egg shells’ around him. We are always to blame for his feelings and although he will apologise he will never take responsibility and always tries to blame me or my eldest daughter. He calls her names in a ‘jokey’ way and ridicules her but labels it a joke. This really upsets her and I have tried countless times to stop it but he says we are too sensitive. I am always in the middle trying to protect her from his jokes.
My eldest has always had a nurturing childhood which he can’t seem to understand although he goes above and beyond for our daughter which makes me overcompensating with my eldest so that she doesn’t feel left out. She has had mental health difficulties ((detail removed by Moderator)) from a young age. Sometimes the anxiety or other situations trigger outbursts in her and he always uses this against me saying if we weren’t together he would (detail removed by Moderator) and he would want custody. I am not worried because my eldest had the strongest bond and is amazing with her little sister. My youngest is very attached to me and doesn’t like to spend too much time with her dad at the moment.
If I do not want to engage in sexual activity he will be very hostile towards me and will not talk to me.
I left my job (detail removed by Moderator) because it wouldn’t have been flexible enough so now I am in the situation where everything is his.
He has never physically hurt us. When I have tried to leave he becomes threatening and says he will take my car off me (detail removed by Moderator). He says he will leave us with nothing.
He can be a very intimidating person if you are not on his side.
We have been on holiday for almost (detail removed by Moderator) together. After a few days I had to (detail removed by Moderator) because he was making threatening comments. He carried on drinking for the night and sending me a string of nasty messages. Calling me and my eldest ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’and saying (detail removed by Moderator).
We have stayed (detail removed by Moderator) but have to see him everyday because he wants to see our daughter. Things have ended between us and I am making arrangements to move when we get. In one instance he will say we need to move out as soon as we get back and in another he says he has somewhere to stay while I sort somewhere for us to live. I feel like I need to leave his house straight away because he will always have control if we stay there and he will still come and go as he pleases. I don’t have anywhere for us to go when we get back but was thinking I could contact WA for support. But I’m still not convinced this is an abusive relationship and I guess I’d feel a bit of a fraud. Also, I feel a lot of guilt and betrayal labelling it as abuse because its not always bad and he will definitely not see it as abuse. If I label it as abuse to him it will make any parenting arrangements so much harder.
And the worst part of it all is that I still love him and the idea of the future we could have had. And then sometimes he’s really kind to us and will do anything for me. It’s so confusing. I feel like I should try to make it work again but then I think I have to get out. He wants to sort it out again and says if we were to try and he needs to change his behaviour but my eldest daughter needs to change her moods which can be really bad and she has always been a handful but she’s a child surely the blame shouldn’t be placed on her.
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Hi Confusedbee,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing about your experience.
What you’ve described is domestic abuse. There’s emotional abuse of both you and your daughter, as well as sexual coercion. He doesn’t have to have physically assaulted you for the abuse to be serious and damaging. The fact that he uses threats to stop you from leaving may mean that you’re also experiencing coercive control.
You deserve to have support and somewhere safe to leave to. You could contact our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays) to discuss your options, which would include accessing refuge. You can read more about refuge here. You could also contact your local domestic abuse service and children’s social services (you can find contact details on your local council website) for support to get you and your children safe.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Hi there, I can relate to a lot of what you say in your post. My children and I have spent years hiding in our rooms, staying out the way so that we can’t upset him. If we are near him we are likely to be moaned at or accused of something. In our best interests of course. If I have a conversation with him I know that if it lasts more than 20 mins I’m in danger of saying something wrong or not looking interested. Anything!
He prefers one of our children over the other. It’s obvious. He criticises them both and obviously blames me for any short comings he thinks they have. They are normal teenagers, in fact pretty good ones in my opinion but expects them to be like The Waltons! Unrealistic expectations that you will never achieve.
After far too long I’ve ended things. One child doesn’t speak to him. Even the favourite doesn’t want to live with him. It’s all too much. The house (and us) are so much better with him not in it.
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