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It’s been a few weeks now since we separated. I only started piecing the abuse together post-breakup. I feel like the anger is definitely still there but it’s running out, and all that’s left right now is the sadness, the loneliness, the hurt. I have people around me who love me, but I’ve been trying to push myself to continue on, to not flop down into helplessness. I don’t want that m**********r to destroy new opportunities that have come my way recently, but oh how I wish I could check out of the world for a couple months and just rot and cry and spend time grieving all of this.
I keep thinking about how I miss him, and how I feel bad for him and his mental health, and then I remind myself of how he treated me and I’ve never felt more anger and disgust in my life. I miss him badly and feel terrified of ever seeing him again all at once. I want him and I want nothing to do with him.
I feel so exhausted. I don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone ever again. I know I will, but right now I can’t understand how I’ll get there. I feel so tired, small, alone. I can’t believe someone can be so cruel, another thing I’m trying to make sense of.
Everything feels so confusing, like everything in my life is all disorganised and I’m trying to put it back into the right place again, but nothing is the same so I can’t just reorganise like how I had it before, I have to find entirely new places for everything to go.
Recovering from abuse is a rollercoaster. We’re on a dip today.
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Hi Fika,
I am sorry you are going through this. In the most part, I could have written your post myself so know you are not alone. We haven’t been long separated either, and I’ve only recognised and pieced together the abuse on reflection, just like you. I know he’s a monster and know it’s the right thing to be apart but also desperately miss him and yearn for what should have been.
I am so tired, so confused and my mood changes minute by minute so I can only assume we are normal! As horrible as it is to go through. I just keep going for the kids but I have hope it will get easier and I have the same hope for you too.
Happy to be private messaged if you want to chat.
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Reading your post feels like reading my own writing ! We’re in a very similar place right now, a nd you’re right, it’s all entirely normal considering what we’re going through. The tiredness from it all is insane, it’s such an exhausting process to be going through – I hope you have some people in your life who can help you through it, but either way you can private message me too 🙂 x
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