Genuinely, how are you doing with No Contact?

Hi tbh iam doing just great . I will not even entertain him for what he put me and my dog through……. i have my family giving me great support . And of course womens aid .. iam doing just fine 😆😑

It’s quite surreal.

It’s like forcing yourself to make them two-dimensional. But it’s the only way. Having a real, living psychopath in your life is deadly.

The results of No Contact aren’t instant. Even after going No Contact, you question why, you grieve, you mourn. But the lack of contact allows you to slowly regenerate.

Hello HA.
Very interesting that I should come back to the forum for a look and that’s the first post I see!
No contact has been breeched for me but rather than being a bad thing it’s given me greater clarity I think. He has continued with everything he promised…seeing a clinical psychologist weekly. Has admitted to me the things he did, following me with my phone account, filming me secretly when I was in the house, buying a whole new phone and sim to make nuisance calls to keep in contact, telling lies to other people about why we had split. I was extremely conflicted as suddenly he was in front of me doing and saying all the things I’d prayed he would months ago. I’ve delayed the house sale, gave myself breathing space and my kids a settled summer. However I can now see very clearly with detachment that I can never trust this man again, regardless of how I feel for him. He has already started with the emotional draining, self obsessed complaining of my attention is focused anywhere but him. I now realise that the reason he behaves this way is really massive insecurities. I love him, part of me will always love part of him but I’m not taking him back. I am moving to forgiveness so I’m not consumed by what was done to us. Our house is going on the market (removed by moderator) though so there is nothing holding us together. I’m glad I heard him out, I’m glad I got answers, basically that he has major issues and there is no excuse for his behaviour. I now feel I’m choosing to walk away from us, not run and hide from something scary with my heart pounding in my head and a whole load of guilt for doing so. I’m not mad, it wasn’t in my head, he was doing these things to me and he didn’t care about me or my children at the time. Regardless of how much he professes to love me now. I think despite what I’ve lost I can go on and have a decent life that is of my choosing. A bit of contact after some space was probably what I needed to see with calm clarity that regardless of what he does now it’s too late. He should have done it long ago instead of killing what was us. I’m not responsible. I suspect I will have to put up with some backlash in the months to come but I know I’m doing the right thing. I know it can’t work. There are no what ifs because he did it and it’s not enough.
Well done you for staying away though and not needing to go back there.

Hi Escaped Not Free,

Welcome back!

You are right: it took me a while to choose to go No Contact. I needed to read his awful texts and emails to understand fully who he was, before I went No Contact.

Thank you,
I will look at those but I honestly feel better after having seen him again. I don’t feel like I’ve made a mistake or I should have done things differently, I know there’s nothing I can do. He doesn’t make me happy the way I or anyone deserves. I’ve had a great holiday on my own with my kids and was glad I didn’t have him around. Seeing him again once I was able to do it on my terms allowed me to see him more clearly. He’s a seriously messed up individual who simply cannot see what he is doing is wrong. If he wants something then that is the only justification he needs to get it. His reasoning is utterly childish, and I can actually see that now. I’m not full of rage or resentment, just clarity and I guess a new acceptance for what he actually is. He’s a four year old in the body of a man. His tantrums are just more damaging than a child. I can be happier without him.its time for me to look forward to a new home and think about what I can do for me in my time. Kids and I want a dog, making that happen is going to be top of the list in our new house. I want to set some fitness goals to get back to full health and just be a bit kinder to myself. Allow time for things I want to do. Work out what I want to do, I spend my entire life looking after others and now I can give myself permission to look after me when kids are at school or their dads. I’m more positive about my future. I think I’d still be stuck if I hadn’t gone back there and looked at the alternative. Thankfully I did it at arms length,and not infriny of my children. X

Doing just great over (removed by moderator) of not seeing or hearing him. There was a few indirect glimpses of him and his family on Facebook through an old feed or message but that’s all.

I seem to struggle with a sense of just waiting for his next attempt at contact. Restraing order running out and i have this dread that he will try something. Hopefully I’m in a much better place to deal with it but he seems not to have changed at all. Just carries on justifying his behaviour and playing victim. What worries me is he hasn’t had his chance to try change my mind again as the courts and police stepped in this time. Did anyone feel like it was just a matter of time until it all kicked off again?

I am struggling with this. My recent abusive relationship was with someone unavailable and so was secret. I went to him at times like this, when times were difficult with my own family and he would be instantly sympathetic and understanding and say exactly the right thing, he was good with words. But he would expect something in return, of course. It’s taken me an absolute age to figure that out, I was so hooked in, trauma bonded. I rang his number a couple of weeks ago (I remember it, even though I’ve deleted it), and thankfully he didn’t answer, or ring back. I know I won’t do it again. But it is hard, feeling so alone with this.

Eve
xx

Hi HA,
Thank you for your reply. It’s actually my Dad I was talking about at the hospital, that’s why I put it in familial abuse because that’s what it is really. I think he is jealous of Mum having relationships with anyone now, including me, and we were, are very close. Again, this is something, the jealousy I’m only just realising.
I don’t have a partner and am perfectly happy about this at the moment. I first came on the forum a good few years ago under a different name, after splitting with my husband. I had been with him for nearly two decades, married for most of those and we split up at my instigation when I had enough of all the control. In the last year of marriage a friend saw me after not seeing me for a few years and saw how ground down I was. She pointed me towards women’s aid and I began to realise it wasn’t me, he was abusive. I didn’t really acknowledge this until after he moved out. About (removed by moderator) I had been away somewhere with the kids we would normally all do together and he came round to collect them. I so nearly asked him to come back, I felt so overwhelmingly that I couldn’t do it all on my own. That same day I found the forum, never having been on the computer much before as it was his domain, and I read a post from a lady whose story was so similar to mine, married for a long time, arguments lasting for hours where you feel trapped until you agree with him, total control of the finances under the guise of making all decisions together, punching doors, tables, having to walk on eggshells, threats to go with someone else if we didn’t have sex, and once , near the beginning, choking me. I poured it all and more out into a post, feeling I wasn’t sure I should be there and got a fantastic reply from a lady called k3n, I think, ( anyone remember her?), she was an amazing survivor. It was validation and was the beginning of my survival. The abuse carried on after we parted, obviously, and I didn’t realise it was still happening. This forum was the single most helpful thing then and all the amazing lovely women on it helped to make sense of what was happening. Of course, I also thought this was only happening to me and felt all that shame and guilt. I read Lundy Bancroft, and Living with the dominator and as often we do, saw abuse in my own family, namely from my Dad to my Mum but it’s affected me too. I have had one lot of counselling which lasted several months and which was fantastically helpful. That and help from this forum also, helped me recently end the ‘secret relationship’ I have had with someone unavailable, even though this has meant I can no longer count on the friendship of the women in that group of friends, well certainly not at the moment.
So that, not so briefly is my story. As is probably apparent, I ‘m on my own today, daughter not here!! I didn’t intend to make such a long post, but it has been a kind of release. So thank you again. I also feel I’m very close to saying something to my Dad about how he controls Mum,it’s hard to hold it all in, but it would probably backfire, and I really want to see Mum so I won’t.
No contact with my ex husband is not really a problem after these past few years and several run ins, during one of which I threatened to call the police as he was standing on my doorstep haranguing me, telling me I needed my head looking at. He soon calmed down. I contact him only about our daughter and this is by very short texts. He still, unbelievably, tries to draw me into arguments, but mostly I don’t engage. I have no other ties to him, I knew by the time we were sorting out finances that I couldn’t keep any ties to him, it was the only way out. It’s meant I have no financial security for me, but I ‘m managing.
Sorry HA, I hope you don’t mind me putting this here. It’s helped me, so thanks.
Love and Hugs
Eve

No contact is hard. It’s almost better the devil you know.

I am now non-contact with my ex and ex-stepchild. I have only been in contact to moderate their behaviour and abate them, so they don’t do anything bad. But it seems that they are closing in on me and want to harm me regardless; and they view every communication as an invitation to engage even if I say ‘NO’.

It’s so hard not to contact them as I then don’t know what their next moves are.

Good luck everyone who is trying to cut ties. It’s tough.

Hi all,
I have been in no contact with my ex, and it did make me think more clearly about him and what he’s done, I used to forgive him and giving him a chance. It was so hard in the begining but I keep forcing my self to do it. I did called his friends but I stopped that too as I realise the pain is not lessen. So when I totally in contact for first month it’s getting easier. I don’t even have the urge to contact him. last time he contact me I can see clear the reason why he called me, not bcoz he missing me like he said,he doesn’t feel sorry like he apologised. I was so strong when he finally called me and realise I moved on. I don’t even bother to report it to the police (when he did he was still on probation not allowed to call me before the court). I don’t even bother to get involve in his life anymore, I am fully done with him.
One month ago I changed my number and snapped the SIM card in two not even bother to let him know I am no longer using the line (he paying the bills)
Yes sometimes I still thinking about him and missing him but I try to talked my self he doesn’t deserve my attention.
It is sad to loose something that we fight for years of our life but to let it go it’s the best option. But I would not lie, if he run back to me, apologise before I go no contact I wouldn’t be where I am now, I might be back with him, and I am glad I go NC.

MP
X

Dear MP, it is so heartwarming to hear this. I was so sad for you before. Please stay No Contact, in time you will start to regain your self worth and self esteem. He was and is the loser in this, losing you. You are the winner. You are a beautiful and kind person and will meet someone one day who treats you with care and respect. X*X

IHP X*X