I think that your counsellor is wrong.

Fact: He carried out abusive behaviour on you. That makes him abusive.

If I were you I would challenge her on that. But I like to challenge people’s opinions. Don’t just swallow everything your counsellor says. They are supposed to guide you to your own conclusions not fill your head with their own opinions.

Pity him…who came out worse really? You were both suffering from your childhood and he took it upon him self to give you a double dose so now you not only have to recover from your childhood but also the effects of his behaviour on you. He’s not suffering what you did to him..He is still suffering from his childhood.

Regardless of upbringing we all know what is wrong. I admitted to the authorities that I hit my husband after a torrent of verbal and emotional abuse from him. Real abusers would never say this. They would never admit fully that they have a problem. They lie and lie and lie themselves into circles.

Our parents give us a blue print for 18 years and sometimes we have to knock down the building and rebuild that building from the ground up. I always knew deep down my parents were right on certain things.

They know what they are doing is wrong but something in their mind explains it all away and gives them the excuses to carry on. Because although they are weak, they can’t show weakness because they believe that you must not show weakness. They lie to themselves and they are happy doing that.

I think that pity for the abuser is the wrong approach in counselling. Thank God I had a DV/DA trained counsellor.

Oh I believe in monsters and if you don’t believe in them, instead of protecting yourself from them, you will find them devouring you whole.

I see it every day in my work places, toxic people, toxic environments and people who are too afraid to stand up for themselves because they say to themselves oh Non-monster must be having a bad day…(yet they have a bad day every day and they are nasty to people all of the time.)

Lots of people have bad childhoods and they don’t go around abusing people. It’s more than a bad upbringing. As lundy Bancroft said it’s a perpetuating belief system in their mind that they are somehow allowed and entitled to behave this way to their partners.

If they were really unstable, they would attempt to hurt everyone which they don’t. My husband didn’t go around threatening his colleagues or friends no matter what they did to him. But he did threaten me when I merely asked to use the dinning table to do work.

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