#5881
SilkyHalide
Participant

Hi I’m new,
I’m confused over this.
I really don’t know what to think. He says I exaggerate things. He says my family are the problem and others are poisoning me against him. He says my bad childhood has given me a victim complex. He genuinely believes his behaviour is normal and I’m over sensitive to criticism.

It’s mostly so subtle I feel I can’t make anyone truly understand. According to him all his confidants think I have been unbelievably bad to him. My confidants mostly allow me to make my own mind up and are supportive as in helping me see the positives i am now creating in my life. A couple do allow me to know they think he’s behaved badly but I’ve shied away from that as they don’t know him and I’ve made mistakes too.

I’ve made the mistake this week of accusing him of emotional abuse. He’s pushed so hard as he cant understand why I won’t fight to keep him. He “can’t cope” if I don’t apologise for my behaviour. I have apologised for some things but refuse to for the thing that he is blaming me for that I don’t think is my fault. The thing he feels I’ve damaged him with. I should just stop allowing him to draw me in to any discussion/argument.
I recognise some of the list of abusive behaviours in me as well as in him. This makes me doubt my perceptions or perspective. I can’t remember how far back those go but he talks about the last 4 years. I remember being despairing from his criticism at times throughout the [removed by moderator] years. I remember him coercing me into moving in with him…..he couldn’t cope at home and couldn’t afford a place on his own. He needed me financially and badgered me into making a decision in case he lost the rental he’d found. I had to view it in the dark and in daylight once committed it was awful. Years later,When we moved here [removed by moderator] years ago he said he hoped it wasn’t a mistake as we’d been happy the previous [removed by moderator] years but I didn’t feel it had been happy. I’ve felt isolated from that first day in that grotty flat and until recently as I decided [removed by moderator] years ago to put money away with only limited success)and reconnect with distanced family and friends and keep trying to find ways to do things for me. I started climbing and he made me feel terrible for not taking my daughter(s)with me. So I ended up taking them….it was no longer for me and I had to go for them when I didn’t feel like it.
I’ve wanted a hair change for a while but he couldn’t understand when I went brunette on the way to red why I’d want to do something to my appearance that wasn’t to please him. ( I’m having it red in 11 days btw)
We both earn good money but I’ve always been anxious about it.
I can’t say he controls money but his style of managing it and dealing with resulting cash flow difficulty heightens my anxiety and my distress at spending. So I rarely spend on me and stress about how much is there to buy for girls. He can’t understand what my problem is and why I don’t just fix it myself. He’s right the things I have mentioned to him were all spread across a long period and bringing them back condenses the emotions surrounding them into a short time and this lumping them together makes them seem worse than maybe they were?

He says if I don’t want to try to get him home again or if I was so unhappy why did I wait for him to leave. Why couldn’t I go live away from the girls and house “it’s so unfair”.
I’m in danger of doing that as I’m not unable to be alone as he seems to be. He can’t just walk in and out if I live somewhere else. Living here feels like he’s still able to make demands on me.tell me how to live. But I feel I can’t take girls and can’t leave them either. I could for me because I’d be close but I can’t for them. I have less leverage to sell the house also. this I would need to do to afford anything other than living with my Mother which may also not be good for me emotionally.
But positively, I have joined a number of online social groups since he left and having the tablet this past year has much improved my access to social networks and ways to chat with friends and family. We’ve separated finances agreeably so far and in a month or two I’ll understand more what I have available to plan with. The girls are coping mostly and I’ve seen that they struggle more when I’m being bombarded by ex

Sorry so long post.

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