Hi I am new to the forum. I have been seeing an abusive partner for about (detail removed by moderator) years. He could be really normal, friendly and charming one minute then the next be very abusive. I have quite a few bad experiences with him, repeatedly throwing or threatening to throw me out his house if I didn’t perform sex well enough for him, he would take my money, deprive me of sleep, warmth etc. He would never please me in the bedroom, it always had to be about me pleasing him. He would push me on the floor, try to strangle me, shake my head violently, grab my wrists so tightly almost to brake them, threatening to break my fingers, kicked the bathroom door in when I was going to the toilet, pulled my hair, picked up different sized knives and pointed them at my groin, my throat, chest, stomach, arms, threatened to stab me if I didn’t give him oral sex. He’s also spat on me, called me various offensive names etc etc. He never calls or texts and asks if I’m ok or ever apologises. I found out he got arrested for some other offence which he has never told me about. He is always so secretive, always has something to hide. He drinks a lot, looks at too much porn and acts out the porn on me, takes drugs and squats in derelict buildings. Somehow I don’t think he makes good husband material to me! I have been in love with this guy for the past (detail removed by moderator) years and it is has been extremely hard to get out of the relationship. I think I have made so many allowances for him and played down all his abuse because I loved him and just wanted to be with him so much. However he went too far the last time when he raped me and threatened to stab me with knives. I really thought he would kill me. This has scared me so much. I have told the police but not made a statement against him. I don’t want to get him into trouble because I love and care about him. However I am never going back to him now. I just don’t feel safe or trust him anymore. He has treated me so badly I deserve better. I feel happier and freer without him. I just hope I can be strong and not feel depressed and panicky when I remember the loss of the love of my life or the loss of a relationship. I hope I can find a better relationship with a good man in the future who will love and treat me right. I look forward to this. Thank you for your support and help, love Mardi. x*x

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