Well done FallenAngel for getting out of this abusive relationship xx. Many of us struggle with what you are feeling right now. Have you heard of Trauma Bonding? Its worth googling as it helps explain why you feel the way you do. I think also that when we are with them they take up so much of our brain space that we literally don’t know what to do with the gap once they are gone – so we fill it with them again because its what we know and what we are used to. Its also very difficult for a normal person (you) to believe or understand how another human being can treat you that way so you naturally turn it over and over in your head trying to work it out – but its not possible to work it out. I think we do all also hope that they realise what they have done and feel remorse – but that rarely happens and if it does its more about them feeling sorry for themselves and not for what they have done.
Something that helped me in the early days was to start writing down everything that was running around in my head. Sometimes it would be me recording an incident I remembered – other times just filling the page with words that I associated with him. It gave me a bit of relief.
Time with no contact really helps as you slowly begin to be able to think about something else and actually enjoy your freedom – but it does take time.
Are you able to get any counselling? I started a while ago and its a slow process but its helping me just get all the story out to someone and have her validate what happened, that its not my fault and that I am better off without him.
Take care of yourself x*x

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