#6848
WanderingCloud
Participant

Hi Foggy
I would echo what Falling Skys has said and that for all the money you had, the presents etc, everything was done on his terms and were not done to make you feel good but for his own benefit. They are like a mask so that if pople were to look closely at you both, they would immediately see how fortunate you were, you didnt have to work, you were able to spend money on yourself, they would be envious of your lifestyle so that if you ever thought of grumbling, he could immediately say to you just what he has done and spent on you and he did this because he loved you. It is also controlling behaviour. He says you dont have to work but is that because you can be at his beck and call, so that you lose your independance and have to become reliant uopn him. Unfortunately, emototional abuse is very subtle, the controlling behaviour you mistake for love, you gave your all to the relationship because you wanted to make it work however he was unwilling to go to therpay with you which doesnt sound like someone with the same level of committment. He wanted to make sure that his behaviour was kept within your 4 walls as he didnt want to risk a councellor identifying what he was doing to you. The easiest but most cruelly was for him to blame you at every opportunity for things that were going wrong and be unsupportive of your relationship with your mother. That is what abusers do. When they have run out of nasty things to say to you, they start on your family and friends. This is a way to start isolating you from them, they find fault until you are so stressed with them going on, it is easier to cut contact.
You need to begin looking after your own needs now and forget about what he wants. Physcological abuse is horrible as there are no physical scars to show to people. Not everyone understands how devastating the abuse is, they think it is easy to just walk away but believe me, it isnt. I am still with my abuser and am slowly finding the courage to leave even though at times he can be the nastiest, most vile human being to me.
You need to continue with your councelling and focus on you and your daughter. Take whatever support there is on offer including this forum where you will find lots of helpful advice. xx

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