Hi White Rose,

Thank you for your reply. I cant seem to shift the feeling of missing him. I sometimes think he wasn’t all bad. He did kinda love me in his own way and may be it was me that messed it up, after all I did let him go and didnt fight for him anymore. He emotionally and mentally abused me but getting that into my head right now just isnt working as my emotions are over riding the longing of wanting him. Your right I think I dont want to accept that this happened to me by the man I truly loved from the bottom of my heart. I didnt have long relationships before him and I had also been though a physically abusive relationship when I was very young and I can tell you now I have gone though that one again over this one. For me a broken nose, bruises, slaps etc. I feel so much easier to deal with and I escaped that one and felt I could justify leaving. My ex helped me though so many of my past traumas and find it hard to believe it was his way in as I was vulnerable, even though I worked though so much with him I now feel even more lost than I did before. I spent most of my time trying to make him happy and that was tiring but I was my life. Not sure I will ever find someone to be an equal with. We and noone ever knows what goes on behind closed doors unless we tell and I did that slowly over the many years and now everyone hates him and is glad that I have got away but now they are angry if I cry or Im sad and I have said you would all feel different if he had died, you would let me cry and grieve but as hes still alive and swanning around happy as anything they all want me to do the same and I dont feel like that.

Sorry for going on

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