Thanks everyone. I know that none of what he did was intentional, and that his behaviour points to him having his own issues, which he simply won’t face. I think that’s probably why I get upset when he’s referred to as an abuser – I don’t like labels.

However, it helps massively that I tell myself “next week I’m filing a divorce against the man who masturbated to porn instead of having sex with me, both as a form of punishment and to single handedly make the decision to have more no more children. I gave more than I could emotionally afford to give to repair the damage this did to our relationship, whilst he expected me to just be able to accept this without being angry. He is gaslighting the effect this had on me, so that he doesn’t feel guilty about his actions, both now and in the past. It sets a bad example to our daughter to see her mum constantly reinventing herself to keep this man happy.”

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