Im sitting here in tears because I can’t believe I let him do this. It was a few years ago, and even after he refused to go to therapy about it, I just internalised the whole thing. He describes me as lazy and grumpy, and prone to fits of rage. I found a journal entry from the time and it says “Why do I fly into such a rage at him over such small things, but I can’t confront his bebetrayal.”

I tore myself apart trying to get to the bottom of my emotional stability, faced all the demons I had as a result of growing up in an abusive upbringing and I never lost hope that he would one day come to couples therapy and start rebuilding my trust in him.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 5 years, and the dose goes up and up and really I’m still not right.

Things seriously went off the boil when I stopped getting engaged in verbal fights with him. I was so confused by this, and now I can’t understand why I didn’t spot that I was his supply just in the same way I’m my Mother’s supply.

He spent the last 6 months pretending he was really happy to be with me, apparently to see whether he felt differently towards me. In that time he saw a therapist (he hid this from me), and apparently this was what his therapist told him to do. I was completely unaware, although in that period I had an unexplained depression blip, and now I suspect that it’s because his sudden change in behaviour felt superficial. I feel as though I’ve been used and thrown away.

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