Hi Moon

Your situation sounds very similar to mine and a lot of other women’s on this forum. Your post has struck a cord with me as I too remember rushing around the house like a crazy thing, making sure everything was in order before his return. The unbearable knot in my stomach worrying about whether he would find fault or start an argument over nothing. It is a terrible place to be. All I can say is that there is hope.

I struggled for a long long time weighing up my options, worrying over every minute detail. I must have run every possible scenario through my head of what may or may not happen. I can remember taking those first steps in breaking free and how terrifying that was. Picking up the phone to make an appointment with a solicitor, looking and viewing houses without him knowing etc. All these things froze me with fear but I pushed myself to do it and told myself that it was only one small step and that nothing had to change until I was ready. I was simply exploring my options. With every small step you take you will gain a bit more strength and a bit more confidence. It is a process and it is a very hard one and sometimes it seems impossible but it isn’t with the right help. Try not think too much about his feelings and what you think you are losing. You have so much to gain. I know it doesn’t feel like that at the moment and you will be so overwhelmed with everything but you will get there. My only advice is that if you can go no contact then please do so.

I found the strength to leave. Got set up in a new home etc but still had regular contact with my ex. As the months have passed he has slowly drawn me back in, and whilst I still have my own home I find myself living in my old marital home and wondering how I am going to break free yet again. I am going to have to take the very hard and frightening step of having no contact, at least for a while, but I know it is the only way I will ever be able to break free from him.

Take care and strength to you x*x

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