I don’t know how I will manage if I leave cos the thought of not being with him hurts a lot. It isn’t like he is nasty all the time otherwise I could walk away just like that. That’s the thing on the one hand I have this man that I don’t want to be without and on the other the same man but as a monster. I guess I’m not so much worried about what he is saying as angry that he could go around saying things that aren’t true when he knows he has hurt me. I think it is the what if monster in my head saying what if I do that? Or what if he changes? What if I love him more? It is that side of me that is challenging me. Just the fact he had me fall in love with him cos he was so loving and we had such a great time together just that itself is bad enough especially if he knew he wasn’t going to maintain it. It is torture waiting around for snippets of the man I thought I had this amazing connection with. I know really for my own safety and well being I need to move on but I somehow need to convince myself that he is never going to be the man I thought he was.

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