Hi confused123,

I’m not sure if my advice will help, I’m speaking from a place of experience with this as my child is still quite young.

I can understand the hurt, as my child will try and use his dad against me sometimes.

It sounds as though you gave a stubborn teenager.

I remember my teenage years well. I was stubborn, and always right and mostly thought about how everything affected me and me only.

Maybe part of the reason that you get the blame and the last thought is because you have always been the constant, you have always been reliable and looked after and provided for children.

Their dad’s hasn’t. He’s let them down and left them. And (this I’m assuming from experience) if he is treating them the way he treated you, he needs your children to prove their love, respect and whatever else to him and on his terms.

Your child may be hoping for affection and attention and love from him and doing his bidding.
This may be a selfish stage for your eldest. Let them have it, let them find out for themselves but show them and make sure that they always know that you will always be there to love and support them and to talk to.

Your ex manipulated you and put you through so much that you needed to escape, he may have the same hold on you as he has on your eldest. Support your eldest, don’t fight their relationship, just be their when it us necessary to explain, to hug and to console.

My child thinks my ex is great right now. I haven’t told my child anything damaging but in a short amount of years my ex hasn’t put my child first much at all unless he’s being watched. Right now he is and so my child is benefitting. I really don’t like the influence my ex is having over my child, but I’m going to try my very best to make sure my child is a good and decent human being.

That’s all we can do, especially when we have so much to work against.

Work on a positive relationship between your eldest, your other children and yourself rather than disapproving of the relationship between your ex and your eldest. It sounds like, given time, your ex is capable if proving is unworthiness to your eldest in his own time. Be there to support your eldest rather than to say I told you so, or to stop your eldest finding out at all.

Good luck.

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