Hi Foggy,

What you are describing ( panicky feeling ) is typical of the effects of trauma and very much like PTSD.

When we are in the relationship, even though damage is being done to us, we can’t reflect on it, as all our energies are going on surviving.

When we are out of that atmosphere, our mind begins to process what happened and our bodies react accordingly.

I can identify. Being out in public places would trigger me. Even if they were nice places. I got agoraphobia for the first time in my life.

Do t push yourself too hard. Do t try to do too much too soon.

It is important to keep connecting and talking it out with people at this stage. Do things every day that make you feel secure and comforted, too.

If the anxiety gets worse or continues, have a chat with your GP.

In terms of your question, have you hated him for a while, this is such a complex one to answer.i believe that we hooked up with our abusers because they chatted us and promised us the world, but they soon began acting in ways that were in fact the opposite of love, that didn’t sit well in our gut. We ha e spend many years trying to reconcile the person we met with the person we have come to know them to be.

Even if they are superficially still charming, their actions towards us don’t display real concern or a real interest for our own individual well-being or development. We are in survival mode, but something in our gut tells us that something isn’t right: we don’t feel safe, or encouraged, etc.

Of course, how the abuser keeps us there is by doing apparently nice things for us from time to time ( intermittent gifts etc) and of course, by telling us that any problems are our fault. They are very good at lying and brainwashing, and we ostensibly believe them. But something in our gut is crying out for us to recognise the truth: deep down, we know that we aren’t being treated right and don’t deserve it. The abuse and control we suffer are in fact acts of violence. I think under it all, we know this. Our minds and bodies begin to process that it isn’t purr, safe love and trust we feel for our a user: it is fear, obligation and guilt, those things he wa to us to feel to keep us with him.

Our moral sensibility and our sense of justice starts to feel offended. How dare he treat me like this, etc. What I call justifiable anger. It starts to rise, ever so slowly. However, we don’t know how to get out, because we are groped by so many things.

We begin to hate them for their repeated onslaughts and covert acts of cruelty and control. We begin to see the relationship for what it is, and it isn’t pretty. We realise how our interests haven’t been our partner’s priority: his own interests have!

What you call ‘hate’ is, I think, a mix of deep hurt, justifiable anger, psychological terror and a yearning to escape. Plus, we have slowly begun to see our abusers for what they are- cowardly, conniving and selfish bullies, and we have lost all respect and admiration for them.

This isn’t a clear cut process: the effects of abuse are confused and messy in our minds and psyche X

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