one day at a time

Thank you foggy for posting. It’s hard to confront the reality of our abuser. Your story is so very similar to mine. My abuser was removed by the police after nearly (removed by moderator) of being together. I went no contact and it was only then I could clearly see how controlling and manipulative he had been.
Yet like you I still had feelings for him that didn’t make sense. Even though I found out he had lied to me from day one, I felt a bond to him.
I also went through days of despair and panic. Any little thing can trigger me. And I have days when nothing makes sense at all. I don’t want to make this all about me, just want you to know you are not alone in your trauma bonding.
Hate is a very strong emotion and it’s confusing to feel that level of negativity towards someone you loved. I think you can love the person they pretended to be but hate the person they actually were. You can hate their actions and words, but at the same time show yourself enough love to realise you weren’t to blame.
The shock when they leave isn’t a one off event. There are lots more shocks as you realise what you’ve survived.
Well done for your courage to stay away. Keep strong. Take care. Xx

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