Hi confused, thanks for the reply.

I already attend a gym, but as it is an outdoor gym there aren’t many people who take it as seriously as I do there, so I don’t meet anyone and also being winter I’m usually the only there these days. I can’t afford to pay to join an indoor gym. It’s my family that abuse me, so their disowning me is likely permanent, at the time it hurt but didn’t destroy me because I thought I had a new family with my friends. How wrong I was 🙁 I left my doctor because they failed to help me the last time I went – speaking to me in a condescending tone and repeating things I had said back to me as if I was lying. (Such as “you pay your family rent??”) and they refused to offer me any practical help to fix the situation, and instead referred me to go online and talk on a forum. I had gone there for practical help to change the situations I was in, not to be talked down to and dismissed the way I was. I haven’t yet registered with a new GP, right now I want the pain to stop but I feel too depressed to deal with it in a positive way. I feel so untrusting of everyone now, I feel that loneliness is all I will ever have now and that I either need to get used to it or get out. I’m really struggling.

I don’t want to take the holiday alone because it will be my first ever holiday, and travel costs and expenses are not included, so I would struggle to pay for those. I am sick of my own company, and have no one to talk to or share things with, so I wouldn’t enjoy it at all. I can only afford to eat once a day, so being in a strange place I wouldn’t be able to go out to eat etc. I wouldn’t be able to pay to enter places. I feel I would just be moving the location of my loneliness and making myself feel even worse. Christmas was so hard and made me sink into the depression I currently find myself in, I really feel going away alone wouldn’t help, and I’m devastated because I was really looking forward to it, I had it all planned out and was so excited to be able to offer the opportunity to my friends as a thank you for sticking by me.

I see so many people go through misunderstandings, or hard times but they manage to work it out. I know someone who constantly hurts the people around him with his comments and actions, and yet he is constantly forgiven. I know where I went wrong – when I was in the midst of losing everything, I became so scared of losing my friends that I held on too tight. I started over explaining myself, and trying to be a false version of my usual positive self. I realised what I was doing and took a time out to tackle everything alone and when I tried to get back in touch people had cut me off. I don’t think I deserve it, I understand that my difficult period being so long must have made it seem like I would never bounce back, but I did. I guess I just wasn’t worth waiting for. As someone whose own family hate her, I shouldn’t expect anything more from anyone else!

Even the people who used to use me for freebies I could get through work don’t want to know me. I think part of me always held on to a shred of hope, and now that all these celebrations such as Christmas, New Year and birthdays are coming and going without so much as a one line greeting it’s all hitting me like a sledgehammer..


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