This is such a mind f**k isn’t it. My interpretation is that in his eyes I broke and was no longer of any use to him. I have to admit that in the last year I wasn’t as demonstratively affectionate towards him, although I still think most men would have been delighted with my level of attention and flexibility in the bedroom.

He’s telling others I was verbally abusive towards him – he’s referring to a handful on incidents when he was trying to get me diagnosed with a serious mental illness (he succeeded with this), and I’d completely loose my composure, be a ball of hurt and anger, and I’d scream at the top of my lungs “I don’t need medicating for you being an a******”.

On top of coping with his threats to turf me out of the house, cut me off financially and take out daughter, I’m having to get the help of the community mental health team again, because I’m showing signs of being over medicated for depression and under medicated for anxiety. To a large extent, my mental health problems have greatly improved since he’s gone. The anxiety is mentally easy to cope with as I know that the physical sensations I have are not a sign of impending doom, and will pass. My agoraphobia has completely lifted, and only comes back when I know he’s in town. I can now blissfully walk up and down supermarket aisles, even spotted a man I’d flirt with under different circumstances!

My mental health carers initial instincts were that I’d get worse. I have friends who’s mutually beneficial relationships ended, and this early on they were still devastated. It simply isn’t normal to be feeling in some ways better.

I’m worried that I spend too much time fantasising about being in a beautiful, messy and healthy relationship. It does provide relief from what I’m facing now, but I do need to confront my situation and get things in line. Also, sometimes these fantasies coincide with my experiences in the relationship, and then I get flooded with anxiety and grief. Think I’ll bring that one up with my therapist.

As an aside, I can highly recommend a book by Carolynn Hillman called “Recovery if your self esteem: A guide for women”. It gives practical steps – something else I should be focusing on rather than fantasising about being in a relationship.

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