Hi Mixed up Mum,
Yes it does sound quite like my parents. My Dad however did will at school and had a reasonable job, but obviously deep down is insecure as he also has to be right and behind closed doors is domineering. Mum is also intelligent and that’s why home seemed so volatile to me growing up, because she stood up to him and his opinionated ways a lot, not knowing she could never win. Now she just says of him, he can’t help it. Making excuses. Because guess what, his father was a bully, and his sons, including my Dad, were afraid of him. So my Mum blamed her father in law for my Dad’s behaviour. I think she’s had to do that to survive. And as you say, in those days you put up with it. She probably felt like she had little choice. And he went out to work, wasn’t violent, didn’t go out drinking, helped with my handicapped sister, all plus points in her mind. So to the outside world and relatives her comes across as a good guy. The abuse is hidden. Like your ex sister in law, if I could only see my Mum, I would. I was close only to her growing up. She kept physically apart from him as much as possible from what I remember. But she wants this illusion of them as a normal couple and so I deal with that as best I can. But I’ll always love only her. Lots of times over the years I’ve wanted her to come to stay on her own, to help with the kids which she loved, but it never worked out. She couldn’t out wouldn’t leave him.Sorry if I’m rambling, this is a difficult thing.

It is shocking and hurtfulthat your ex sis in law can’t see her brothers abusive behaviour. Sometimes people are just too close to it, or maybe it’s too painful. She must know it’s true. You know it is. I don’t think my ex mother in law will ever really see that her son had abused me. As you day, we just have to accept some things. I keep away from her because she would tell me about him and vice versa and I don’t want any of that
I’ve found it much easier to say, to certain people anyway, a very few friends, that my ex husband was abusive, than to day that my Dad was/is. In some kind of upside down way, I think I’m protecting my mum.

Abuse is just such a far reaching, terrible thing. We are helping to break that cycle by freeing ourselves, mixed up mum and showing our daughters we don’t have to put up with it.

Lots of love to you, hope your getting some sleep now

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