It’s not that they are busy, that happens sometimes but then people eventually reconnect, and have a nice catch up. I have actually been cut off, ignored, as if I have done something wrong and I haven’t. I considered my friends every single step of the way, and in the end I started hiding what was going on because I decided I was going to deal with it all alone and only tell them once done.

I have spent my life used and abused by friends and family, then at work too. This was the first time I had genuine people in my life who didn’t want anything from me but for me to achieve what they believed I could. It was clear they cared about me, but to have people who cared so much actually cut me off as if I am a monster is more than I can handle. I’ve had a couple of offers of coffee in the past few months, but I can’t bring myself to go. My heart screams no, I feel fear and anxiety, I just can’t put myself in that position again. People meet me, love me, get to know me then hate me. I believed it was because I had to hide so much because of the abuse, such as why I couldn’t do certain things, or why I would suddenly need to leave after receiving a text and it made people think I was weird. This was the first time I was fully honest with anyone, and I wanted so badly to end the abuse so that I wouldn’t lose these people. So I pushed myself further and faster than ever before, and I lost everything anyway. I now think it’s just me. That everything is my fault and I will never be able to have people in my life.

I’m sorry that I’m so down, you’ll all soon be sick of me and start ignoring me if I keep this up! So I won’t post for a while.


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