mixed-up mum

Hi Eve – thanks for your kind words in your most recent post.

You mentioned your mum – and I looked back an re-read what you had said in this post.

It is worrying how many times father’s ‘pass it on’ to sons – its not ALWAYS the case, but on many occasions, the son has often experienced or witnessed abuse from the father (eg your father and his father, my ex, his father, and his father before him.

I wonder why having seen or experienced abuse these men then go on to do the same to their wives and children OR then in other cases what is it that BREAKS the cycle???

Or indeed why some men in the family go on to be abusers – while others don’t.
In my ex fa-in-laws family there were 5 sons – and I don’t think they ALL went on to be controlling abusive husbands – so what makes some more abusive than others….this has got me thinking……
BUT then again as we’ve said before who knows what goes on behind closed doors…..

In my exes family there were X brothers – I would say one brother was quite controlling, but his marriage seems to last ( I think he just had a good loyal wife would loved him and put up with him) another brother his marriage broke up – because he had a more dominant wife who stood up to him ( but then I’d say he was the least dominant of the boys)
My ex became the worst of them I’d say being controlling AND sexually abusive – but again who knows what REALLY went on with the others……

Do these mean ‘learn’ from what they have seen and experienced and then go on to copy it in their own lives??

My exes family all had/have learning difficulties and so often felt insignificant – and then as they grew up learned that there were people they could control -ie their wives and children.

But as you said that was not the case with your dad – he was educated – but then there is no ‘standard’ abuser they can be any age, any class, any colour, any religion……

And as you say they seem to the outside world as normal, hard working, caring Dads and husbands – many a time I would think the rest of their family don’t actually have a clue what they are REALLY like and are capable of.
Do you think your dads/mums siblings know what they are really like????

I know my ex mo-in-law is at the age now where she would never leave him……I expect you m mam would be the same???

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