#8163
SaharaD
Participant

Hi LBP

I’m typing this on my kindle on a far away beach holiday so please bear with my mistakes.

We all have ups and downs. But we should practise self love and self acceptance.

Firstly you are not silly or an idiot or a failure. Even when you say you feel this way, it’s not a real feeling.

Since going through DV and mental illness I take a psychological view on everything so that I can make choices that are not going to sabotage my physical as well as mental well being. I also tend to put the mental before the physical. I want to be at peace with myself. Loving and accepting myself. Something I think I pick up on that you are having a hard time doing.

I just make a few statements and opinions which I hope you can prove or disprove with factual evidence about yourself.

Explore why you didn’t heed warnings or see red flags or ignored red flags. I date a selection of different men for an intimate connection. Others see this as risky and promiscuous and not the done thing. For me it’s a coping mechanism. If I didn’t go on these dates I would spend a lot of time in isolation which I know is bad for my mental health. I take as many precautions as possible like not disclosing where I work or live, always taking condoms even if I think nothing will happen, meeting in a public place and letting someone know where I am. If my gut tells me something is off, I don’t ignore it and protect my vulnerabilities. So far I don’t feel messed up in the head, thoughts or feelings about my contact with these men.

If you can replace him with another support network or system. None of the men I date know my past or my deepest or darkest parts. I try not to lean on them for emotional or otherwise support. They offer me gifts and money and practical support but mostly I decline (although this can be hard if it’s a physical gift and you are in the middle of a restaurant) and seek to be independent.

Everyone who treats you nice isn’t always doing so in your best interests. I’ve learnt that the hard way. Explore what makes you fall for people so quickly instead of remaining aloof. Explore what you are feeling and thinking when you don’t stick to no contact with this new man. One of my rules is that if a man or another person refuses to plan you into their lives and expects you to accommodate them at the last minute means they don’t value and respect your time , effort and energy or theirs. They also are not owned your accommodating them.

I think when we have bouts of self hatred we should challenge that with evidence as to why we are ok and lovable and acceptable.

You deserve our empathy and sympathy, not sure why you don’t think so.

We all have choices to make sometimes without full resources, skills and knowledge. We do the best we can. Wise mindful choices combined our self esteem boosting emotions and feelings with the best rational choice that does not negate those self esteem boosters. I shall use myself as and example. I’m on holiday.the best rational choice was not to go on holiday due to be being in a council bed and breakfast after my private rented flat was condemned. However, that choice would negate my self esteem by losing the money paid, not being given the chance of respite from my life, not being able to celebrate being debt and abuser free and not being given the opportunity to practice extreme self love and self acceptance at a difficult time in my life. So I choose to go on holiday and set up a contingency to deal with the consequences from the council when I return to the UK. Thereby keeping my identity, esteem and physical and mental wellbeing intact.

Fear stops us doing things that we know are good for us. I say feel the fear and do it anyway. I fear the council cancelling my b and b booking while I’m away but I fear more the impact of cancelling would have on my ability to cope mentally and physically. So I said stuff them, I deserve and need this holiday!

I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years in relationships, trying to dedicate myself to and figure out other people, boyfriends, fiances and husband. I plan on spending the next (detail removed by Moderator) all dedicated to me! I don’t fear being alone or dying alone anymore. I’m having a fantastic holiday alone!

I hope I don’t come across as bossy or a know it all. Just explore yourself and look at yourself in the mirror. Only you know you best.

You got rid of one abuser/toxic person, I’m sure you can do it again for yourself and your son.

Ps you are not Scarlett because his royal king of the castle isn’t married. I am the adulteress because I’m still married to the abuser but I will be d****d if let a man who tried to kill me stop me from living life and taking lovers who treat me and make me feel better.

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