Sahara, I’m really grateful you posted on here…of everyone else you’ve alwayd been the one to give me a stiff talking to if I’ve needed one… I’m glad to hear you’re sunning yourself, I hope it’s somewhere exotic with cocktails and such! You most certainly deserve it 🙂

Everything yiu’ve said resonates so much – to the extent I’ve cried and smudged all my make-up. Please forgive the spelling – my phone and I don’t get along.

I think in truth I’m lonely…my attempts at getting voluntary work have utterly failed, I live in a tiny village and there’s no one even remotely close to my age to talk to and I can rarely afford the bus fare to get into town, and it’s just so far to walk – especially in this cold wet weather. The good friend I made in the refuge continuously lets me down and systematically never there, ever. And all my family and 2 otger friends are so far away. I can’t have any sort of online presence – in the sense of meeting new people or making new friends – because of the risk of my ex finding me. I can go for weeks on end simply not seeing anyone at all.

When I ran into this new man – he was an old acquaintance/friend from my hometown all those years ago – it was just so nice to have someone from my old life back again. Initiallt I was so wary of him, because of his contacts in my hometown, and I tried to avoid him. But my drink got spiked one night and I ended up spending all night sitting on the sofa talking to this guy, and after that I wasn’t wary anymore. My gut has said he’s all good…he’s the ‘one’ and that he’s meant to be in my life. For ages there weren’t any warning signs at all -except the girlfriend and a past drug habit- and now it’s the jealousy and the, for lack of a better phrase, sexual control (in that he starts sexual activity but then rejects me when I invite him to take things further) that’s really bugging me. And the obvious fear that he’ll ruin me.

I think I want to be loved and to feel loved, however pathetic that probably sounds. I convince everyone else that I’m happy on my own, and mostly I am, but my heart yearns for that feeling of being in love and being loved and finding that person to grow old with… and he more or less makes me feel loved. Which before was amazing, but now only serves to confuse me… even the other night he was stroking my face and hair, kissing me gently and holding me close to him as he said goodbye? I feel very confused.. like I can’t see the wood for the trees -or whatever that saying is.

I know I need to leave…but part of me doesn’t really want to/ can’t.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoy your holiday and hope the council don’t get the hump over it. Every woman needs and fully deserves to relax on the beach – particularly if she’s been thru what yoy have!


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