mixed-up mum

It’s my birthday this week and it would really raise my spirits if my friends would surprise me and all come over for a girly night in, I could do with the boost.
It would just be nice to feel special and be made a fuss of – just for one day.
The last time I did ask my friends over was August, and one by one the 6 of them cried off, they all had different excuses, and it all fell through and never happened, and I’d been so excited and so looking forward to it.
I haven’t asked again, I’m just scared to be let down again – they all have nice lives, good lives, and better things to do than sit with me…..

I just wish I had someone who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me, then I wouldn’t have to bother my friends.

This time last year I thought I had the chance of a relationship – there was a man ( an aquantience I’ve known for at least 25 years) he always seemed pleased to see me when we met, and would stop and chat for ages – there was always a bit of flirting between us – well this time last year I decided to take the plunge and make my feelings known to him…..
It didn’t go as planned – his ex came back in his life and he decided to give it another go…… 🙁 🙁 🙁

I felt so disappointed and let down – the first man I’d had the courage to approach since leaving my abusive ex – and it went so wrong – I was heartbroken – he was/is a very kind, caring, nice man – and I really thought we could have been so good for one another.

For a few days I thought we had a future – and I was buzzing, so full of life and energy – I wanted to get up and shower and make myself look nice, I wanted to keep the house neat and tidy and looking good, and I even wanted to exercise and lose a bit of weight, but then it all fell apart and that was the end of my ‘feel good factor’…..

It took me so much courage, to let him know how I felt – I’d only ever had one boyfriend in my life ( my abusive ex) and this new man felt SO RIGHT for me – it felt so good that feeling somebody actually cared and wanted to be with me….

I felt ready to let him in to my life, I wasn’t ready for anything sexual, but I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend time with me. I felt ready to let a man in my life and try and see if I could cuddle and be close to a man again, and maybe even a kiss ……

Anyway it was not to be, and a year later I now hear that he is on his own again – his partner had left him for a second time – he does not deserve to be used and hurt like he has been, he’s such a gentle, nice man, and easily used – he’s been badly hurt and used by his ex wife, and now again by his ex girlfriend, he’s going to find it hard to trust again…..

Part of me wants to give it one last shot and see if he IS interested in me – or was he just being the nice gentleman that he is ….. I don’t think I could take rejection a second time ,- but I can’t get this man out of my head – he would give me the boost, and the zest for life that I long for….

He would help me feel good about myself and give me a reason to get up and get going every day….

But I can hear some of you say – that I should not feel I ‘need’ a man for that….and I know I shouldn’t – BUT I just long to feel special to someone again, I long to have those butterflies in my stomach – waiting to see him or hear from him….someone to actually hold me in his arms and NOT push for sex – its been so long that I’ve forgotten how that feels…..

What should I do – give him one last try and know for sure if he IS interested in me – OR level it be and see if HE comes to ME………

I know many of you will say that I should not rely on a man to make me feel good about myself and about life – but COULD he be the boost I need to make a life for myself – I’ve just not really moved on at all since leaving my abuser – a new man would firmly put him in the past – and bury him for good…..

What do you all think…..???

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