#8313
SaharaD
Participant

There’s a saying how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself. I never really knew what that meant until now.

I can hear a lack of self esteem and a lack of self love in how you write. I hear it because it’s in me. You are too vulnerable and recovering to start a serious committed relationship. Let me repeat so it goes into my brain for myself too: you are too vulnerable and still recovering to start a serious committed relationship.

You don’t have energy now wait until you have to fit them into your life too. You will have even less. If he is so great is he going to be yo-yoing between you and his exes.

Only you can move on, a new man really won’t do that for you and probably add some more insecurities. I can’t tell what is right for you I only know you have to be in love with yourself.

I’m trying to practice that now. I get priority over everyone and everything else. I booked myself into a spa for the day for my whole birthday…..alone! I’m on holiday in a far away place….alone! I live…alone! I go on dates with different men give them a kiss and a cuddle at the end and go home to my bed……alone!

I don’t expect friends, family or men to make me feel better. I’m learning to make myself feel better alone. This is really important – it’s a life skill.

Has this guy ever invited you out to an exercise activity? Has he ever included you into his social group of friends?

What can often happen is that once the initial passion has worn off people settle into previous routine. So guess what if you don’t go out now, he will eventually leave you alone at home and go out himself and you are back at square one. Alone.

I got butterflies waiting to get to my destination. I get treated special to me by the people whose job it is to make me feel special. That’s the thing those butterflies and feeling special eventually wear off and its up to you to keep them going.

I for one refuse to be anyone’s sloppy seconds. I was dating a man who I found perfectly nice until as he put it he found someone else with whom he had a deeper connection. Fair enough wished him all the best and continued to date other men. Last minute one of the bank holidays I got a text from him out of the blue after not hearing from him for months. He wanted me to drop everything and come to see him last minute. If someone doesn’t value and respect my time, effort and energy enough to keep in friendly contact and plan that contact, then I am just an afterthought and that is all.

Let’s face it if you are desperately lonely man or woman, you are vulnerable to relationships with the most unscrupulous people but also people who aren’t really compatible with you in the long run. It’s out of necessity not choice.

This is another reason why I date several men. I see other men but I have chosen one particular man on any given night and the same for them they chose me to have a date with as opposed to another lady.

Other reasons are so that I don’t get hopelessly attached to one man. Instead of getting my attention fix (we all have one) from one source which I may be afraid to let go, I get it from many sources which I am happy to say good bye to as they weren’t the only one.

None of these guys know my past, I don’t lean on them for support and they don’t know where I live or work or my real phone number or email address.

I know it all sounds harsh, cold and tough (I’m a straight talker on the forum and always get in trouble for my restlessness) but harsher, colder and tougher was the abuse and the brokenness I felt and feel from it.

I need to put all of my energy, time, resources and effort into rebuilding me…..alone.

I’m not telling you what to do but just one of those red flag road signs “proceed with caution” steep slippery hairpin bend up ahead. If you are like my mother, you turn your little vulnerable car around and find another route. If you are like me, you take your foot off the gas, turn the music down so you can concentrate on the sound of the engine, road surface, brakes and wheels, check your seatbelt, put your foot on the brake and tighten your grip on the steering wheel holding on for dear life/the ride.

Read the sign, know your limits and take all necessary precautions, aka the relationship take off safety checklist. For men and women.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content