This topic contains 15 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Hazydayz 6 days, 18 hours ago.

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  • #113763
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    I come on here trying not to bring anyone down with my problems. Maybe so many of you can identify with what I’m about to say…? My eldest daughter hates me! My youngest daughter too! Both affected obviously by my life choices! My mistakes! as much as my middle daughter, but she isn’t like them towards me. My eldest has just chosen to blank me? Cut me out of her life suddenly! I’ve realised. She’s taking away any chance of contact with my newborn grandaughter, and her elder sister. I don’t know what to feel now? My youngest has not spoken to me since (detail removed by moderator) when she called unexpectedly with a present for me. On mother’s Day (detail removed by moderator) she called for the 1ST time in a long long time! She came… on behalf of her eldest sister, to bring their cards & flowers? But she was abusive to me & emotionally vindictive for some unknown to me reason? and I told her to leave. So was surprised to see her on my doorstep (detail removed by moderator) before she went off to spend the day with her sister, my eldest daughter and my grandchildren & both their partners. I have never met my youngest daughter’s partner. She is expecting her 1st child with him (detail removed by moderator). I don’t expect to have any relationship with that child! I have struggled on for (detail removed by moderator) almost…during my marriage to maintain relationships with my daughter’s. My eldest, sabotaged my invitations to her and her sisters, they didn’t come to my wedding. But I tried and tried to work things with them all, it hasn’t been easy! My husband came to hate them all…I didn’t understand what my eldest daughters problem was with my marrying? She didn’t like the idea it turns out, He was the perfect gentleman at the time! But she didn’t like my getting married after (detail removed by moderator) divorced from her dad? He was a drunk and would never have been a good dad! He caused her and her sister and me to become homeless back then, and I was not in a happy marriage then either! Years and years later, my new husband to be was a lot younger than me, before we married, I think she found it offensive to her? He was less than (detail removed by moderator) years older than her. But what did that matter? He seemed so much more mature back then! I just feel like giving up on my family now, the daughter’s that don’t love me obviously😭 I don’t know what more I can do😢 I don’t know who I am anymore.

  • #113764
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    It looks to me now…that after all these years since I thought I got my children and myself out of an abusive I’d have to call it now, marriage, by divorcing their father for his neglect of parental/ spousal duty! Due to his absolute love for another…the pub! It’s made no difference at all to my grown up children. The eldest sees me as a failure and her attitude towards me confirms this, her influence over her youngest sister who has a different father has damaged my relationship with her now. My youngest resents not having a father and blames me for that! Despite his ending the relationship when I was pregnant. I did everything I could to be both mum and dad to all of my children, sadly it seems I didn’t do enough. Their fathers were absent from their lives, was it my fault? What more could I do? When I found a man who loved me it seemed years later, they resented me for that I feel? I could love them and him! But they wouldn’t have it! I suffered abuse from him thereafter and I got no support from 2 of my daughter’s, My eldest opinion…you chose to marry him! All these years… Caring! Now nothing! To all of you who feel like I do today, I feel for you💗💕💞

  • #113767
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Hazy, I’m feeling really fragile at the moment so am not up to a proper response but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone out there.

    You give so much to others on here, please don’t think that we’ve all taken a step back and deserted you when you need us. I really feel your pain but have no answers for you right now. You know that others will be along with support in due course. Take my hand and I’ll give it a squeeze. You are so brave and so strong, I know you’ll make it past this bump in your road, just as you did the last one, and the one before that.

    Sorry I can’t do more for you right now x*x

    • #113772
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Dear Lottieblue, Thankyou for being here, it’s comforting 💞 I don’t expect anyone to to be able to have the answers, I just needed to pour my pain out. Oh…To be able to magic the pain gone… it’s a lovely idea. If we could only wish it away, though I’ve tried that many times. Guess we all have, haven’t we. To sooth each other with heartfelt well meaning is all we have I know, so Thankyou Lottie, I will take you hand and look forward to brighter days for you & me. Hope your feeling stronger soon, me too! Take care of you💞

  • #113773
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sadly I’m estranged from my son. If there’s one thing I learned from my broken heart was not to look to others for my own validation as it’s a recipe for disaster especially when the person you put your happiness in simply isn’t capable of returning the love. It doesn’t mean they never will but I think you need to set your boundaries even with your own children. They are always welcome in your life it they are non abusive. Otherwise they need to know that even their abuse will not be tolerated. Perhaps they may gain some respect for your boundaries. A lot of this behaviour is learned from your abuser. So concentrate on yourself and building a happy special life for yourself that they will be welcome only when they learn respect. It’s painful but the alternative as we know is the abuse carries on and gets worse x the sting in the tail for us survivors 💕 and a topic that isn’t discussed as much as you think but parental abuse is all too common x

    • #113787
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Dear KIP. Thankyou again for your time and support. I am sorry, I remember now, reading about you being estranged from your son, I’m so sorry. But I understand and relate to your reasoning. I agree, to me, it feels it is far worse I feel than any other abuse suffered, the pain of betrayal feels as if it cuts so deep! to the core! What I don’t understand is…my daughter’s never witnessed my abuse? They didn’t have a relationship with me around my soon to be hopefully, ex husband. My 1st husband was (detail removed by moderator) and my then mother in law, treated my eldest daughter like her own? When away from me for access with their father, she was the one having them, while he drank the time away. My middle daughter was sent out round (detail removed by moderator) with grandad. I recall her telling me many times when young…nanny said take no notice of your mum! She bought my eldest daughter with giving her anything she wanted I believe. Even today, she is closer to her than me. I was just the surrogate it feels, because she had no daughter and couldn’t have any other children after her son was born. She herself had a messed up childhood, born a war baby. Farmed out between family, I think my daughter’s head has been messed up by her maybe? No other reason I can see? For my daughter being this way. It’s mad I know but can grandparents be guilty too? Yes, Of course they can, can’t they. Maybe thats what’s ailing my daughter? My thoughts are with you KIP 💞

  • #113776
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    It’s really common and it’s not till we’re years down the line we see the damage caused by abusive fathers. The problem is no one understands the traumatic bonds we have with them. My daughter asked me at a very young age why don’t you leave him mum. I couldn’t answer and that was because I had no idea why my attachment was so strong and loyal to someone who hurt us repeatedly. In the end she learned from him kicking off and bullying gets you what u want it works. We’re seen as the victim and we are until we get away. When we choose a new partner our kids don’t trust us to make good decisions xx they loose faith but that’s only because they don’t understand the dynamics of abusive manipulation. I think they should teach this in schools x like racism and sexism it comes about (this superior attitude) from ignorance xx it’s not your doing 💕🥰

    • #113800
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Thankyou for your support. Yes, I understand how difficult it must have been for you back then. I wasn’t in a typical abusive relationship back when my children were young. Well, not that I realised anyway. I just couldn’t take it anymore, and then I had to take more… after my decision to end my marriage, which made it easy to divorce him. My daughter definately reminds me of her father at times though! Which is a shame. I see where it might have started? unfortunately, but it’s too late now. I didn’t have the best of childhoods my self, but I never turned against my mum. Good rest her soul.💞

  • #113804
     iliketea 
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Great advice from experience above. As yet I don’t have this but as newly put with young ones it is my biggest fear. I can feel your pain. Sending you a big hug. It’s these things, the ongoing damage years later that makes domestic abuse such a terrible crime. Xx

    • #113807
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Morning Iliketea.Thankyou for your reply. It’s good to hear from you, comforting to have you wise, caring ladies around. How are you? I read that you have been feeling very tearful lately, I hope your on the up? Feeling stronger everyday. I am trying to remember? Did I reply to you that day? I hope I replied? I think I did? Its been a turbulent couple of weeks I’ve had. Apologies, if I missed to send you my best wishes. I remember feeling that… I understood… what you were saying and feeling. The affects of the abuse and repairing? I haven’t a clue yet myself! But, I wish you and me, a speedy recovery! Also,I hope your settling now? Though I know it takes a long time realistically. The difficulties of adjustment into single parenthood are challenging arn’t they at times, it’s a sort of acceptance that’s forced on us. I remember thinking that all those years ago. Sat alone and yearning for loving company, at night when the children were in bed or Lying awake in bed at night, wondering, what life would be…ahead? doing parenthood alone. Though, of course the relief of not suffering the husband balanced out the fears, but it still seemed so gutting, so frightening! After all, none of us set out to have children on our own do we, but it strangely feels like that. And the guilt? I beat myself up for a long time, thinking I’d let my children down. Choosing that father for them? Not that I could know at the time, what a useless and uncaring father he would turn out to be! It was the pain of living with his ability to discard his children’s welfare that was the worst…how could he cause them to become homeless? What loving father would ever do that to his children? It wracked me…that thought. The house got sold is how it happened, but behind my back he had a different life mapped out for himself! A drunken one! No responsibility! I understand the fear of facing having nowhere to live? Feeling desperate! and facing homelessness, just wanting the chance of a home, to raise your children in safe and secure conditions but feeling helpless to fulfil that alone. Alongside the yearning for a happy future outcome for them and ourselves. Yes, I remember that still! One important thing that most dreaming of escape here concern themselves with, I’m in no doubt! as a parent with that experience. It isn’t that long ago that you too faced where can I go, is it. I remember your desperation at that time…it was so impossible to be able to offer the Support you desperately needed, an escape and a home! For you and your children. I felt for you so much, I hope what Support I was offering then was some comfort? I do remember…telling you to make the best of enjoying having your children young, do you recall? It’s so much harder but so much more rewarding, though we don’t see it at the time, sadly! I know your possibly at that stage where your having to come to terms with it all! Trying now to live your new life making adjustments, having to accept! Housed now I read, (I’m happy for you all) and trying to turn it into home undoubtedly. Your housed, In a strange new place possibly? Which can be scary, can’t it. I’m sure ultimately, you will be doing your best as a mum, meeting everyday needs whilst knowingly or unknowingly? fathoming…trying to build a future for your children and yourself. I remember that too. I would say to you now…Do what you need to, it’s all you can do and love your life with your children. Honestly, I would go back tomorrow! If I had the chance. Try make changes? However, it would always lead to the same, wouldn’t it? Yes, our children’s outlook…how they see us in their adulthood? Is it about the relationship they had with us as children? My girls can’t remember most of it they say? Forgotten the caring and loving I fear! Is it how they grow up if affected? That shapes them above all else? Stuff that is not all our doing, but we are made to? take responsibility for it! I can’t configure, how I have always loved them and shown it but my eldest daughter detests showing affection towards me? It’s heartbreaking! So…Wishing a lifetime of love and happiness for you and yours, may the bonds be strong! Lots of love💗 Hazydayz x 💞

  • #113811
     Tickleribber 
    Participant

    Hi Hazy, I’d just like to add that this is me too and you’re not alone in it.
    KIP has excellent thoughts on this and I can’t suggest anything better.
    A good few years ago I was attacked by my husband for nothing, which is rare, mostly it’s gaslighting and insults. Daughter was pregnant at the time, and the short version is that when I told her what he’d done she said we weren’t fit to be grandparents.
    Husband worked on her over a few months, and now he sees her and her family and I don’t. I’m reminded about this frequently by him.
    Not too long ago, husband said daughter wanted to re connect but it was a Lie, just a wind up designed to yank my chain.

    My sons aren’t very supportive of my situation, but I do see a lot of my younger son and his child, husband tried to sabotage that relationship too but fortunately he failed.
    My eldest son lives abroad permanently and though he’s very good to me when I do see him, and keeps in touch, but he doesn’t want to know what his stepfather is up to.
    My daughter was always a daddy’s girl so that may have something to do with it. But she knows her fathers faults pretty well so I don’t get it.

    All I do is be grateful she has a successful life and a non abusive husband, maybe with time and maturity on the part of our children, things will improve for both of us.
    So wrong to try and remove us from our grandchildren’s lives, my hope is that in time my daughters children will work out they’re missing a grandmother and will come and find me.

    • #113813
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Oh… Ticklerribber 💕 I’m so sorry 💞 thankyou for replying to me. I can feel your pain as mine. Bless your heart 💗 for sharing with me and Supporting me now. I will keep you in my thoughts… x

  • #113851
     Tickleribber 
    Participant

    Thanks Hazy! That means a lot, I will keep you in my thoughts too!
    The ripples from their incredibly bad behaviour are just mind blowing.
    The usual reaction from the very few people that do know, is well, there must be much more to it than that, or there’s two sides to everything.

    Actually there isn’t! We just have to hope for better in the future.

    You have to be in it to understand it, and I know you do.

    • #113853
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Hi Ticklerribber, yes, I understand, I really do. Sadly, for us. Morning by the way, hope it brings some sunshine to you and I 💞

  • #113887
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Hey Hazydayz. Its really hard when our kids blame us but I think KIP is right to absolutely focus on yourself. I know you have been having a really sad time lately and you deserve respect, understanding and compassion. All you can do is be kind and loving to yourself, keep your distance and continue to calmly let them know you will not put up with disrespectful, abusive behaviour. You did everything you could to make their lives better and you did it out of love. I echo all the kind words from the ladies above. xx

    • #113905
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Hi Wiseafter. Thankyou💗 your reply is valued and very much appreciated. I have today spent some lovely time with my middle daughter who loves me dearly as I do her. So it has been a better day for me. She knows her sisters attitude to her too is unnaturally unloving so at least we have each other. Bittersweet it is as I hurt for her too! And I do worry for her in the future, what family will be available to her if I’m not around? Mother’s love eh! Never ends does it. Yes, my other daughter’s hopefully? will see the error of their ways one day maybe? I live in hope! Trying to enjoy my life. I’m lucky I realise, to have my 1 daughter around me as and when she can be. But I so miss the other 2 also. I’ts hard not meeting my newborn grandaughter and grandson due very soon. Thinking of you mum’s missing loved ones too 💞

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