13th April 2021 at 5:54 am #124726CatjamParticipant
So I have been out (detail removed by moderator) It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. He begged me not to go, luckily I had some amazing support on the day and managed to walk away.
I asked him not to contact me at all, at least (detail removed by moderator) but that I would speak to him in a few days to let him know I was safe.
I received a text message (detail removed by moderator) telling me he loved me. He has driven on the main road past work. But not actually on the same road as my workplace.
My eldest is still annoyed at me.
Anyway I rang him (detail removed by moderator) as I said I would but told him this wasn’t a green light to get in touch. He cried, told me how much pain he was in, how he wasn’t eating or taking his medication. That he knew the kids were really angry at me but he didn’t know why.
Then he demanded to know why I had taken the (detail removed by moderator). Er because you had no clue how to use it and I needed it. Never mind I have taken the bare minimum and left him everything else.
But in amongst his begging and crying he suddenly asked if I would still help him out (detail removed by moderator) !! I was out walking when I rang him and I stopped in my tracks.
It’s still all about him. Always will be. I just hope I can hold onto the strength I have found to stay away from him.
13th April 2021 at 8:05 am #124727KIP.Participant
Yes you can hold onto that strength. Because you deserve more and any contact with him will drag you backwards. Not a mention of an apology or asking after your welfare. Emotionally blackmailing and dumping on you again. He will never change so please don’t waste any more energy on him. Your children are probably angry because now you’re not there as a buffer and they have to deal with him. You’re doing the right thing. Work on zero contact now. Power to you. Give him nothing x
13th April 2021 at 9:33 am #124728EggshellsParticipant
It’s lovely to hear from you. You and KIP took the words right out of my mouth, it’s all about him. From now on, everything he says and does will just act as proof that you’ve done the right thing in leaving. You may experience feelings that make you feel like you want to go back. If those feelings start to emerge, just re-read your post above and see how much of it is about you and how you feel.
So enough about him. I’d love to hear about how you are feeling though. Have you managed to settle and get your new place comfortably and homely and how are you holding up? Are you managing the emotional rollercoaster ok?
13th April 2021 at 6:00 pm #124744CatjamParticipant
Hi, my new place is alot smaller than I am used to and I have had a few moments of anger thinking of him sitting in the family home completely on his own while we are trying to manage here. At first I slept really well until the chat with him.
I had read so much on here about what to expect from him regarding not eating and getting people feeling sorry for him so that side of things hasn’t bothered me yet. I go from rage that he wasn’t prepared to do what was needed to make me happy to relief I got out. I never honestly thought i would leave.
I’m so grateful for the support I have received. I still have bouts of sobbing and feeling completely overwhelmed but i am hoping this will ease.
13th April 2021 at 7:00 pm #124746HawthornParticipant
Lovely to hear from you Catjam,
Yes the waves of rage and sobbing will ease and pass with time. You have lots to be angry about. Try to channel that energy into something physical; a brisk walk, digging, painting some old furniture and try journaling your thoughts, all the things you’d say to him if you had the chance, then burn the pages. Holding those feelings in just makes them hang around for longer, and you have the space to feel them now.
Communication with our abusers always makes us feel worse, whether they are being nice or horrible. Contact with them is poison so for your own sake try to limit it. I slept like a baby when I left first, then the rage kicked in, I left with nothing while he sat in our beautiful home that I slaved over decorating.
I live in much reduced circumstances now, but I’ve come to love it. It’s calm, it’s peaceful and it’s mine. I can come and go as I please. I have so little housework to do now it’s just my food preparation, my laundry, my very minimal mess. So I have much more time to read, tend to my plants, bake, or just watch what I want on my TV, whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m free. And so are you. There is so much grief and anger at first, so be very gentle with yourself. A cup of tea in bed, a nice bath, nice bed linen and a tasty dinner, these little things make all the difference. Focus the energy you spent on catering to his every whim on caring for yourself. You deserve it x*x
13th April 2021 at 9:14 pm #124755EggshellsParticipant
As Hawthorn said, your feelings are completely natural.
When you are thinking about him all on his own in the family home, it might help to remember that without you there it is just a soulless pile if bricks and mortar.
You’re new home will soon start to feel like home and no matter how small, it will be a place that you can feel safe and relaxed, a place you can be yourself and do what you want.
There is a lot of material injustice when you leave an abusive man but you will have a much richer life ahead of you now and you really do deserve that. xx
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