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    • #38890
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      I went out the other evening…straight from work. I was out (detail removed by Moderator) hours, he text me 14 times and called me six times. He said how could I go out and leave him he just wanted me, he argued when I got home, was horrid. The next morning he had sex with me whilst I was asleep and acted like nothing had happened. That’s not right is it, I won’t go out again

    • #38891
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there. No it’s not right but he is behaving that way so that you won’t go out again. It’s coercive control. That’s how abusers work. They make life so difficult that you stop enjoying it and are just there all the time for his needs. It’s not loving or caring. A decent partner would tell you to go out and have a fantastic time. Enjoy yourself then cuddle up when you got back and share the fun evening you had. Abusers are twisted. Mine was cheating on me all along and I now think he thought I would behave the way he did. Which made him even more controlling and insecure. They are just not wired correctly and he will suck the life from you. I can tell you it will only get worse x if you stop going out you become isolated. Another favourite trick. He doesn’t want you sharing your life with other people as they will tell you that what he is doing is firstly rape (sex without consent is rape) and secondly, abusive and controlling.

    • #38918
      Indiamalachite
      Participant

      Completely agree with Kip, it’s just to stop you going out again as too much hassle and sex when you’re asleep is not sex, it’s rape – sounds harsh but it absolutely is. It’s probably some sick way of making him feel as though you’re his and he can do what he wants. Can you call the helpline? Hope you’re ok xx

    • #38939
      danicali
      Blocked

      take up martial arts x

    • #42528
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi I am away, he tried to force me through pressure & threats to have sex, he would tell me if I didn’t comply he would go elsewhere, I often woke up & he was having sex with me, fill penetration, I has no idea until after I left that, that is rape. He also intimidated me constantly, exposed himself in a vile angry way telling me I would be opening my fn legs later. I even had a close friend tell me it was my duty to keep him sexually satisfied & if I didn’t I should be worried. I should have known what he was like from the beginning because he spoke about a cousin of his whose partner didn’t want sex, he said I’ve told him to go elsewhere, he grilled me ony thoughts at the time I said it could be any reason why she won’t, but he very much implied it was in a woman’s duty to perform sex on demand x

    • #42532
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi itmustbemesurely. I had something similar with my last ex i were with a few months. He tried every trick in the book to try keep me in. No physically. But once he were at a footy match he text me and i said i were getting ready to go out. Well he repeatedly text me and ringing saying he could hardly breathe due to his illness and he were on his way to the hospital. But i still went out when i found out after he never went to the hospital he went straight home to his mums. Ha. Other times i were out he would ring all the time saying do u want me to come up to were u are and please dnt cheat on me. And a message late at night saying nite u sl.g. all to keep u at there side x

    • #42533
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Kip thats exactly what they do. And true that they dont like u associating with anyone whos going to advise you to leave them. When i were with my first abuser he would be awake sometimes in bed and have sex with me knowing id had a drink. I once said im really tired he said no worries u dnt have to do anything just lay there. How disgusting animals x

      • #42602
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi I candothis you just reminded me that is exactly a saying he used you just lay there! Buy I’d been on serious pain with injuries (not caused by him) He would say I’ll be gentle, I’d say please don’t I am in agony, he would persist, have sex, either roll over & ho to sleep or go sleep on sofa, if I did not perform sexual acts I’d be punished by up to 2 weeks of silence with anger & bullying tactics, if I asked what’s wrong he would say nothing or usually you know what’s fn wrong it got to the last months I wouldn’t he terrified me telling me you will be opening your fn legs later, when m y back hurt so bad I could barely walk he told me your back will be fn hurting later! He insisted on oral sex but would not perform oral sex, he did other stuff which I find too distressing to talk about. He then told people I laid there like a rag doll!!! You are right animals, never once in years did we make love, it was cold unemotional sex. It sounds vile but I felt like an unpaid prostitute. Something else he threatened if I did mot he would visit prostitutes! x

    • #42600
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi I had the trick played in a different way to for example visiting my adult kids, he would make it feel so uncomfortable that one of mine wouldn’t visit when he was there, they had a bad impression of him throughout the years as he spent his whole time lying on the sofa, head in laptop (hidden well) but gambling. Spoke to me like piece of dirt & criticised my kids constantly. I used to visit them in secret, or would tell him that I was going he’d grill me when I got back. Looking back now I am away he was jealous of everyone, unless he was centre of attention he got nasty. My friends he got vile about, so either I’d say don’t come round when he’s here or they wouldn’t come round when he was there. I watched how he interacted with people and felt sorry for him, he struggled to be sociable, was angry when I was, saying what we’re they here for, who have you has round, their problem is jealousy, jealousy is an illness. My son suffers like I do with anxiety now, like we did with him, we were so bullied and controlled that it was impossible to live a normal life, now away at a time I need to be sociable I struggle as don’t trust anyone at all. My anxieties are sky high dealing with the aftershocks which I never expected at all. Abusers also isolate and check up, he used to ring Me at home and say where are you! Check up on me when out, cross question where I’d been, who had I spoken to. After leaving I kept phone contact as was worried about him, to that he’s twisted into I was checking up on him. Also I felt safe knowing he was back there I could go for a walk safely. They just twist everything to their advantage. Xx

    • #42857
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      they do twist everything, if I don’t have sex he will huff and puff and give me the cold treatment telling me how awful I am, what a c**p mother, that he will go somewhere else. I am worried about money yet he spends like water doing what he wants – he leaves me with pennies in my purse at the end of the month as I have to pay my share of the bills which leaves me with hardly anything. He is taking antidepressants now which means he has plateaued but it doesn’t stop the drinking, I go without and he thinks nothing in buying booze, if he does give me any money its held as a bribe and if I don’t behave he uses it against me, saying he’d have it back. He doesn’t spend any time with the children really, well our son some but never our daughter, blames me for any behaviour problems they have, mood swings etc…so do his parents, but they don’t see how their son effects our family life – it’s always about him, no matter what…I just wish I had the strength

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