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    • #83253
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      This may be familiar territory to some of you …

      I left (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago, things with kids have settled down and I now trust he won’t disappear. Of course he’s being super dad taking them for meals and planning days out. I’m having my house full of kids so they’re happy with their friends.

      But today I feel lost. It was (detail removed by moderator)  and he followed me like a lost puppy and we were both stood with our friends , most of which I don’t see as they are more his friends which is difficult to take on.

      I was ok with everyone around but when on our own started questioning me and I felt the anxiety coming back.

      I’m stood in my kitchen and just have no motivation, feel lost.
      Yes determined to show that the clean him is different but I’m too scared to even think it may be true. To risk leaving my little home I’ve set up to go back… I’d never be able to leave again as it’s completely screw kids up, I’ve already arranged counselling for my son who is struggling with the emotions and misses his dad 😢

    • #83262
      KIP.
      Participant

      What you’re feeling is all very normal. I absolutely swear by zero contact. These men are Oscar winning actors and you can bet when nobody is watching he will be completely different. Any contact at all will trigger you. Zero contact give you breathing space to heal and learn to deal with the triggers. After the anxiety comes a down phase as your body tries to recover from that rush of adrenaline. Your son only misses the good dad that he thinks he is. It’s very early days and you’re going to have a real roller coaster of a ride. Try to write down everything he’s done to you and how it’s made you feel. Looking at that list is a painful reminder why he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. It sounds like you’ve done really well to break free and have some independence for you and your children. If there’s a routine in place the kids will soon adjust. Meantime, you are their rock. Their constant. I think he will come and go in their lives. Well done for arranging counselling for your son. I hope you’re receiving counselling too. As you need to be well and healthy to keep the kids the same x

      • #83285
        Camel
        Participant

        Hi GMLB

        It’s really really early days and I agree that your feelings are totally normal. No doubt you’ve spent a very long time accommodating his feelings, absorbing and deflecting the trauma and drama he brings with him, at the same time trying to protect your children from the fallout.

        What you are experiencing is like the exhaustion after a night headbanging in the mosh pit (sorry, I couldn’t think of anything else as noisy and disorientating.) Your body has literally crashed after too many highs of adrenaline.

        You need to be kind to yourself and get plenty of rest. Don’t push yourself to make plans beyond the necessary ones for the weeks ahead. Setting up your own place would have also been a drain on your limited physical and mental resources so you truly have the right to slow to a crawl.

        I also agree that you need to protect yourself from contact with him and any shared company. Yours isn’t a normal break-up so don’t treat it like one. You don’t need to ‘get on’ for other people’s sake. You don’t need to stand there and listen to anything he (or anyone else) has to say. You are allowed to just walk off, leave. Make your excuses but don’t feel you have to explain. Trust me, there will be other parties and such in the future (ones you’ll enjoy being at once you’re more settled.)

        It seems that you’re weighing up his claim of being ‘clean’ as a possible reason for going back. This really does sound like a dance with the devil. A good part of getting clean from anything is acknowledging the hurt you’ve caused the people you claim to love (and who love you.) It also means working for forgiveness and not expecting it as ‘just dues’. Don’t feel pressured to compromise yourself again. The effort should be his and you are not his automatic reward. Neither should you listen to any claims that he can’t do it without you or that he misses the kids. It sounds like he had plenty of time to deal with the addiction and abuse when you were all under the same roof.

        Can I also point out that abuse doesn’t come from addiction. They are separate issues so don’t allow him to cloud things.

        Always keep in your mind that you are in no way responsible for whether he is or isn’t abusive. Or whether he is or isn’t addicted. So if he corners you with tales of his progress with counsellors, how about saying something bland like ‘good for you’ before walking away?

        Wishing you lots more peace x

    • #83315
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you both, everything has made sense.

      Hes just picked kids up and they went off happily for a fun day with dad and I’m picking pig them up at teatime (so I can get straight off). I understand what yr saying about the no contact but it’s not really an option at the moment as it’s mess my son up even more.

      I actually feel ok him coming to collect them as I can feel he can see how far I’ve come in such a short time.

      Funny thing is he was so concerned about everyone finding out that I’ve only told closest friends whereas yesterday he was heard telling a couple of people, one guy who he’s not even particularly true fly with bout how he’s gone to rehab to get off prescription tablets and I’d left him whilst in there! He obviously forgot about the alcohol and coke issues and the fact he’s been an abusive b@stard for the last god knows how many years.

      Oh well my friends and family know the truth so I can hold my head high as I walk down the street. I can only imagine what’s said behind closed doors!!! 🙄

    • #83316
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      Need to look at counselling, didn’t think I needed it but as time goes on i realise I do 😪

    • #83449
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      It may not seem like it now but slowly the extreme emotions you’re feeling will ease and not be as frequent. KIP and Camel explain the early rollercoaster well. Triggers will set you back but keep no contact or contact to a minimum and use this time to rest. You’ve been physically and mentally drained by your ex and now your out of survival mode your body is exhausted. Rest, eat well and heal xx

    • #83460
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The early days were so hard and I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I’m free and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner. Just hang on in there. When you can’t eat, can’t sleep and feel like your heart is broken, just hang on. I promise you it will get better. Keep posting c

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