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You never think it will happen to you.
You don’t actually think it is domestic abuse.
Because he is nice a lot of the time.
Because he is sorry and you feel sorry for him for thinking it is abuse because it can’t actually be domestic abuse, can it?
You must be wrong, you are a professional woman, we don’t put up with this. We don’t stay for (detail removed by moderator) years.
Do we???????We do and it is and we get out. We get divorced, we leave the family home. The home that fits all our children in to get one that is too small for all our children.
We get one that is too small because we let the divorce be unfair. We let him get more, get the bigger house, get half our tiny pension. We go against solicitor advice and end up with an unfair settlement because we need to leave.
We end up giving him money for the kids even though we share the care (detail removed by moderator), even though we moved out and started again. We ended up in debt and still giving him money.
We needed to leave a man that assaulted our teenage children (mine from previous marriage, that he has bought up since babies), shouted, kicked us out of bed, didn’t let us back in bed and when he did we had to sleep on the edge with no covers.
We left the man who threw books, ornaments around the room at us, threw a hot cup of tea at us, threw a basket at our head. Trashed sons bedroom completely because it was messy and had him by the throat aged 14 up against his wall. Had everyone walking on eggshells, kids not wanting to come home if his car was outside the house.
We left the man who called us names, put us down in public, told us to kill ourselves (detail removed by moderator).
We left the man who followed us around the house at night not letting us sleep after an argument, turning every light on, face in our face saying “you want to go to sleep? I’m not going to let you f***ing sleep, I’m going to be here all night” for (detail removed by moderator) hours.
We left the man who had our 5 year old sitting on our lap with his hands over your ears so you couldn’t hear daddy shouting at you anymore (we had (detail removed by moderator) together).
We left him because your teenage daughter said how can you let him talk to you like that? Shout at you like that? She cannot think this is how men treat women.
We left him so your teenage son wouldn’t one day snap protecting you.
We did it – We left.For (detail removed by moderator) years after divorce, the abuse continues. By text, telling you that you are a vile person, hideous mother, slagging off your house that is too small that your children have to share a tiny bedroom, whilst he is in a 4 bedroom house, on his own half the week. Commenting on decisions you make, if you go out for a drink with friends. On and on…. not all the time. We can be friends for weeks but you know that the text putting you down is coming. The text slagging you off is coming. The text to make your anxiety never go away is coming. But it’s all in your head isn’t it?
So .. you finally go to the police. Tell them about his continued texts. Thinking that they will say you’re mental and nothing is wrong. But they don’t, they take you seriously. They are interested in everything that happened during the marriage, the texts since, EVERYTHING! His assault on you and your son have both been logged! He can no longer text unless it is about the children.
Why do we still have guilt? Feel sad, cry, happy – We are getting justice. Standing up so the youngest (detail removed by moderator) can be safe.
It can now end can’t it?
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Yes, it will; you can get the boundaries and protection in place you need now with a restraining order. Communications and changeovers with a third party – then you can walk away, let him get on with it.
I even laughed at a mss I got through a third party this week when re arranging my child’s time with him; made me think carry on – glad I dont feel this way and carry this resentment and bitterness around like he clearly is. I’m really starting to notice more and more how he doesnt effect us anymore, thought is that all you’ve got – pretty sad and pathetic really being difficult for no other reason than he thinks he’s causing us problems and taking pleasure from this – when this is not the case at all these days. Took us a while to get here, like you, but he really has lost all power now. He may try to give us the runaround, but he rarely succeeds now.
Teach your children they have a voice and a choice, that they dont have to put up with it just because he’s dad. My child opts out now – she accepts he is the way he is and doesn’t get hurt by him anymore – doesnt need his approval, doesnt let him damage her esteem anymore – so now we’re fine, past the worst and can recover.
Stop giving him money – not another penny x
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If you’re divorce settlement was unfair and made because of abuse and coercive control you may be able to challenge it back in court. I’d ring Rights of Women for some advice. Or think about a personal injury click case. Absolutely zero contact is the way forward. Always using a third party for handover and contact. Get in touch with women’s aid for support. It sounds like you’re taking back control. Have you had any counselling. Your children too, especially your son x
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Goodness me you described it and summed it up so well. It could be any of our stories.
Sad that it happens to us all but thank goodness they are all following the same script, it makes it less lonely. Frankly we are getting sick of those b* aren’t we. That these people haven’t been locked up and researched yet in a laboratory is beyond me. I’ll celebrate the day this happens! Science is advanced and at the same time not keeping up with what’s happening right now in our society. Youtube and so many websites, books, forums and DA charities, police and CPS and so many more official organisations can provide all the data necessary, the info is out there, we just need scientist collecting them, analysing them, studying them and of course get plenty of abusers as lab rats. B****y rats.I’m sorry you have been through this and so glad you are out. And safe. The emotions will be all over the place of course, coming down from this huge adrenaline rush that your lives has been, it takes time to readjust and recalibrate your thoughts, feelings etc.
It is done, he will not hurt you anymore, you have the justice believing you, this is priceless and will play in your favour for your family in court. Wishing you well. Follow above advices, you’ll be fine. Stay strong girl, you’ve got this 💪 -
Hi everyone and thank you for your comments and support – when i was going through divorce I spoke with a Domestic Abuse service and the lady said he was absolutely textbook! So you are right there are so many of them , we have all lived with them and they do these things and get away with it. With mine his family know what he is like but they still say that everything happens for a reason – cause and effect. When he spat on me and my daughter his mum said “oh why did he do that?” WHY??? Who b****y cares why – he just DID ! Until that sort of thing stops they will continue to get away with it.
I have thought of a non-molestation order – at the moment he is sticking to what the police have asked him and not contacting me. Also, a different solicitor has said that as he continued to abuse it could be that he has gone against the original divorce so we could go back to it.
I am also not giving him another penny – I am trying to get an arrangement that is actually fair where we have the kids exactly the same amount of time but he doesn’t seem to like me being in control – hahaha funny that!!!
I haven’t had counselling but I am going to. One day I am ok and then the next want to stay in bed and never get out – phoning the police was the hardest thing to do. Why do we still feel sorry for these men? I have picked my skin until it bleeds ffs!!!
One day at a time – we are strong, so b****y strong – and we have each other! Other women that have sadly been through it. But we are still here, telling our stories and helping others.
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This is great to read; really hope you get a better settlement – he thinks he’s got one over on you here and it’s done – nope!
You’re in the same position as me then – one more move re not respecting the boundary and leaving us be and the police will deal with them for us. They’ve had their warning – good to know that it will only take one more call isn’t it – but sadly, I think he will trample this at some point, they just cant seem to help themselves when it comes to disrespecting boundaries when they think their need is greater or when feeling angry – so for me I just need to hope it’s not too volitile and I can call the police – that it doesnt escalate and turn into a serious offence. Still – up to them now isn’t it.
I’m past feeling sorry for him now 1a – he’s the author of his own life story and BS narrative – has caused us enough problems to last a life time x
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On a practical note keep absolutely everything. You need to show a pattern of behaviour. Start a journal with every incident you can think of. Keep emails and texts. Dates and times of incidents. Any witnesses too. Get your non moleststion order, it’s more evidence for court. Go to your GP and tell them what’s been happening (this is important and it’s written evidence). Ask to be referred for counselling because of HIS behaviour. Tell them about your child’s abuse too and ask for referrals. The court want to see evidence so start building your case. The abuse will leave you drained and exhausted. Any contact is toxic x
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Hi – fizzylem have you actually called the police on your ex? If you haven’t, do it. I was so scared, thought they wouldn’t believe me. They did straight away, the policeman saud to me god, you look so worried about this. They didn’t even ask to see texts, they believed me. I have never felt so relieved, then terrified all at the same time.
KIP – I have backed up all his texts, wish I’d kept a diary from the beginning. It would make an excellent book!!
It is completely draining. Even now with the up and down of emotions, the feeling sorry for him then hating him, I can’t eat, pick my thumbs till they bleed, but HOPELIFEJOY you’re right, we so got this!!-
Hi Flower, yes have tried to report the abuse and harrassment, they say they cant help as he’s within his rights with the PR and to make an application to court (twice now hes made false allegations). Still keeping a diary and all texts etc and these still reveal how he behave – they quite often cant see that how they behave is wrong, altough do aim to cause distress hey. They’re a bit reknowned for not responding to DA where I live. They don’t ‘see it’ but it’s all there – if someone in authority would be willing to look at the evidence. Have called about him breaking the boundary coming to my home as well – this is what I was refrring to – when he pitched up for a fight – have been told by some to go for a non mol – unsure about this yet, will if I think I could get one – sounds like you have a much greater chance, seeing as this has happened to your son as well and he’s also a witness. I’ve called once about this so if he comes to the house again then the police will deal with him for me hey, as they have told him to stay away. He seems to getaway with it by the skin of his teeth from where I’m standing x
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There’s always a natural ending to everything. You might not think that right now but there is. It has for us it was a long haul. With tenacity and the right people on your side you women are stronger than most you might not feel it. I believe for sure we survivors are the strongest of the strong 💪 xx sisters in adversity but we sure kicked their a*s !! 🎈♥️🎅❤️
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I am loving this! What a great site this is. I am thinking of a non-mol order. If he puts a foot wrong then I will do it. I honestly don’t know how these men can get away with it, with what they do.
I gave our sons a fiver each to go spend on their dad for Christmas, I usually helped but this time just said take that and go choose whatever you want. I did that for them. I wanted them to choose something and wrap and give it, not for him. Do you think that was the right thing to do or will it give him the wrong idea??? Well it’s done now but like I said I did it for them…. I also gave my daughter a fiver to spend on me for them haha because I doubt he has done it this year.
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I had it written into the parental agreement (removed by moderator) – like you say, its not about him is it, if the kids want to give then I’m happy to support this. This year he’s done nothing though; and its not the first time either – (removed by moderator), was the first time she did it all herself from scratch – totes turned it around – was the best bday gift she could have given me! She felt really pleased with herself and proud of her efforts – was lovely to see. This year I know he’s not taken her to shop for me yet and now time has run out as he wont see her before, (removed by moderator) – again I will love this. It only uspets them if they forget or have nothing to give so I think a bit of prompting is always needed until they’re old enough. He cant be relied upon at all.
Not long after we split he (removed by moderator); I fell off my chair laughing – for real?! I replied saying I’m sure she will enjoy choosing you a lovely gift and you will show her your appreciation whatever it is, talk about taking the p or what?! What planet is he on – oh yes, me me me. I think it’s about what they are happy with doing, one year she really wasnt arsed about fathers day and drew him a pic and one bday was happy with a gift which cost us 10p out the bargain bin – obs this made me howl inside, ooh this is too much fun, another time she bought him an item with a jokey saying and it couldnt have been more apt, was something about him being bossy and always being right, made me think yup, shes got you down hasnt she lol x
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So, he hasn’t contacted me since the police contacted him. Unless it’s about the kids. He has actually emailed me, when previously he had said no way to emailing with a counter proposal to my 50/50 childcare plan. Surprise surprise he doesn’t like my plan because that would put me in control so he’s come up with his own that puts him back in control. So I now need to email back to say it doesn’t work for me. He is obviously scared after me going to police, must have talked it over with his family because I’m actually surprised he came back with acounter off er. It is making me so anxious. I am almost manic one day, then the next don’t want to leave my bed. It’s a killer! As soon as I send it I’m sure I’ll be ok but it’s sending it. The old me would’ve just accepted straight away what he has offered. After (removed by moderator) years with him it’s so hard to be the strong me. So many times I would try to fight him then as soon as he just looked at me with “the eyes” I’d back straight down with sorry, sorry, you’re right, I’m wrong. So to be the one who stands up to him now for what I want, for what I think is right is f***ing hard!!!
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He’s always had the children on his own since the divorce. I don’t believe they are in danger from him, he’s never done anything to hurt them, except while we were married to listen to him shouting at me!!. The reason I finally went to the police, years after divorce, is to protect them in the future, just incase, as well as stop his abusive, controlling texting to me. He did physically assault my eldest when he was a teenager, which the police know about now and I always said and believed he would never do it to his own although he bought my eldest up as his own from a toddler. It has taken me a while since divorce to go to the police about it. But now he will think twice!
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