2 years later and I’m still doubting myself

It sounds like my story. I met a lovely, funny, kind man. He moved in with me and we had (detail removed by moderator) happy months, although I see now that there were red flags even then. We then moved house, away from my friends and family abd I gave up my City job for something more local. From pretty much the day we got here, the abuse began. He called me ugly, stupid, fat, a liar, that my family were w****s and paedos. Every hateful thing you could imagine. He told me I needed psychological help. Gave up his job, so I paid for everything, including his alcoholism. He did nothing at home, so I did all the housework and gardening too. I became, and still am to an extent, a shell of my former self, with extreme anxiety and even after he got convicted of assaulting me, he continued to maintain that I was the abusive one.

It’s just what they do. It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s them. They take advantage of our affection and good nature and how low is that?

Are you having counselling? I think it would help you. I’ve just started and it’s helped me. My friends and family just don’t get it and unless it’s happened to you, I don’t think you do.

I also watched a lot of stuff on YouTube about abusers, read a lot. It helped me to understand that I wasn’t to blame and that I could move on.

It’s because the lovely man he can be is only one part of him, but he was driven at that time to reel you in, get his feet under the table; the man you learnt he was – he was always there, only he was hidden until that time he knew he had you hooked and that you felt you needed him – had too much to lose – we get stuck when we commit to sharing a home, pregnancy can also be a time when it changes; he also had you isolated, by cutting off friends; you didn’t ant to tell people this is failing, nor did you want it to fail – and he knew this; he no doubt saw you as vulnerable then because you had shared some of your intimate thoughts and feelings with him, but rather than support and offer you comfort, he only saw these vulnerabilities as weaknesses he could exploit, jumping on these and twsiting the knife when needed, to crush and control you – to lead you into self doubt.

Once he is aware he has power over you – this is when it changes and you get to see the real him. People with power over another should never abuse this and most don’t, they see their power as a responsibilty, and that it’s important to do the right thing by others, sadly this is completely missing from the abuser, his power is to be used for self gains, getting what he wants. He reacts much like a child having a fit about not getting what he wants, but will also do anything to steer what he wants, is highly manipulative, with no thought or care for your thoughts, feelings or needs, consideration and respect for others is totally missing.

I have felt suicidal plenty of times over the years, I understand this is how I get when I feel desperation, a very natural way to feel when dealing with abuse – especially over a prolongued time – it gets us down and creates anxiety doesn’t it. I get stressed, distressed and desperation, also incredibly low soemtimes – it effects every aspect of our lives one way or another, where we live, how we behave, work, our relationships with other, the self, our children are also effected, there’s always a finacial and emotional costs, physically we become unwell.

I find calling the samaritians or victim support a great source of help; most of the time we only need to express how we feel and what we’re thinking with another, a care giver, someone who can understand, to meet this emotional need, it’s rare we need to do anything else other than this, this is usually all we need – to stop it from spiralling – to feel we can manage again. However, sometimes we do need to act, do something else that helps, so they are also good at helping you to establish whether something needs to happen next too and what this is. It enables me to label how I feel and express myself – which is a release and thus very helpful, enbales me to breath again, work through it, get past it.

I couldn’t have got through this without therapy either, I’ve received support from a number of places, we need a team really, plenty of people and places to go to for help to meet all of our needs.

I think part of the self doubt occurs because we try to apply normal logic or compassion to the situation, how would I feel if I were him, what is the human thing to do here, but sadly normal logic simply doesn’t apply in abuse, because he’s always going to exploit you.

He was not a credible witness and anything he says/said simply can not be trusted, he has a very warped view, is self gain driven, selfish, he will always find a way to make it your fault – you can not win, because this is his game and he’s the only winner, the only way forwards is out and cutting him off completely. Those three little words buy him a lot of leyway don’t they and get him out of the tightest of spots. It’s painful to see them in full light because we struggle to understand how can anyone be so cruel, cold and callous. They are masters at manipulation and emtoional abuse is their chosen weapon x

Hi Dobedo

I understand your distress, its part of complex ptsd! As others have suggested counselling is a must to explore complex feelings & it helped me validate the experience as it’s so overwhelming & confusing & As we know manipulation over time feeds into cognitive dissonance, minimising… what’s real ? who is he ?what’s actually happening etc… Landing back in the ‘real world’ away from the abuser & & the reality of abuse takes time…it will I feel be with me forever (to a greater /lesser degree…depending on triggers)

I accept that it happened I can’t just erase it! Importantly I will use this awful time, of more than a decade ( kept trying over & over to ‘make it work!) …to be pro active & use my voice to speak out, even on social media to raise awareness & let people know what red flags are what terms like hoovering love bombing gaslightIng actually mean! It’s my focus & it really helps me reject abuse & him. The more I do re getting involved in anti abuse campaigning and connecting…to empower others & myself the weaker his memory ‘control’ becomes! I also took a couple of courses & started volunteering…small steps lead to bigger ones…& life does gradually change. Of course I have bad days, like anyone, but I don’t let him define me or the experience. I’m working out n getting me back every day! Work in progress!

Women together are stronger! Focus on your healing your life what you want to achieve in freedom

Hugs & good healing vibes🌻

Nova

Ps …thanks Fizzylem for your response as this clearly maps out the abusive tactics & impacts on us.