3rd party contact harassment

[Lifebegins]

Hi All

I wonder if anyone has any advice/experience of harassment by 3rd party who facilitates child contact?

Due to non-molestation order, child contact has to be facilitated by his family member as 3rd party. It was fairly courteous until recently where they began emailing me with their thoughts, opinions, etc in a hostile and controlling manner which has really stressed me out. My stomach is now lurching every time I see an email from them, which are increasing with frequency. They haven’t sworn or anything though. In addition, Contact arrangements over Xmas were changed at really short notice (to my detriment) which I agreed to so as to ensure my child had a drama free holiday and they’ve just contacted me again to make another change in the future (telling me rather thank asking).

The 3rd party is a bully and I don’t want to have any further contact with them. I’ve been ignoring their last few emails sent over the last week) but want to write to them now and say stop communicating with me. Is this the best course of action or should I continue to ignore and contact his solicitor to make alternative child contact arrangements? Also, what are alternatives with a non-mol in place if there is no other 3rd parties available to facilitate? I’m self repping (since this time coincidentally has been the ramp up in bullying behaviour from the 3rd part).

Any advice greatly appreciated xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lifebegins

Sorry that you have this to deal with on top of all you’re going through.

If I were to write to them myself, I’d call Rights of Women for legal direction of wordings and my position legally. If you already have a solicitor on board that is advocating womens rights and well versed in the family court situations, they would do the job too. If I had the choice I go for the solicitor, so long as I felt already convinced that they were 100% onside with this.

You are of course at liberty to also stop contact immediately, and prevent further contact until the third party is changed due to the abuse you are receiving from them. There’s every prospect that they are being used by the perp to abuse you in this way, no wonder your stomach is wrenching at the prospect of further emails from them. You can stop contact and block their emails.

Set out a reasonable contact schedule that can fit with your own lives, and present it as the alternative once a suitable replacement is in place.

Again, sorry for these difficult times you are in and I truly hope you can push through a resolution to stop the trauma thats continuing for you as a result.

warmest wishes

ts

[KIP.]

Have you considered a contact centre?

[Lifebegins]

Thanks for responding TS. ❤️

I can’t afford a solicitor anymore so I’m on my own. Rights of Women are not available now until New Year so I can’t get help there at the moment.

I’m not sure that the content of the 3rd party correspondence would be classed as abuse. That’s what I probably need advice on. As if it was, then there may be a breach of non-mol. I’m thinking of just not responding to any further 3rd party correspondence re: child contact arrangements until I can get legal advice. I’m sure there will be more contact on their side as they’re bullies but there is no child contact imminent so I don’t really don’t need to respond. What I’ve learnt in this whole process is that abusers hate it when you don’t engage which after thinking about it today, I don’t want to do at all and it’s probably driving them crazy. Just a bit worried that I’ll do something wrong in not replying until I can seek legal advice.

I want to reassure any women who are reading this, who are still living with their abusers, not to be put off leaving because of future abusive behaviour. My ex is now a fly in the ointment. Annoying. And a saddo. But I’m not dealing with his abuse on a daily basis which you just can’t put a value on. I’m a strong woman who’s just not going to take it anymore from him, or his family. And there is not one day have I ever regretted leaving. 💪

Any and all advice/thoughts/experience welcome 🙏 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi KIP

Yes I did consider contact centre when I first left but where we live, it’s really far away.

My problem too is that my ex has made me out to be a liar to my child and he can do no wrong in their eyes. So any action I take it will be me to blame rather than my ex and his family member’s behaviour, so I want to impact my child as little as possible. Been doing some research today on child arrangements orders though. I’ve gone as no contact as you possibly can with children but he’s now abusing me via other routes so I need to take action xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Lifebegins,

Have you heard of the parenting apps that are out there to be used as a way of communication to arrange things regarding the children? If not, have a Google and see if you think this would be a way of communicating with the third party?

I know you have a Non Mol Order that he can’t contact you directly or indirectly, but part of your legal process could be to request a parenting app be the approved form of contact which the third party contacts you by. Some of the apps allow other people to access them with your permission (such as solicitors, courts, police) so that they can see the exchange of contacts between you. Unlike text messages, emails, WhatsApp etc, individual messages cannot be deleted once sent, so if they send you an abusive message, or show they are unwilling to compromise a visit or allow a visit, it will all be there in chronological order. Some of the apps have a control over the language that is used, so if one party decides they want to swear at you or insult you in a message it will highlight it and suggest it is not suitable. This can encourage people to keep messages polite, but if they choose to ignore it and send it anyway then the professionals that view it can see for themselves the issues in communication. There is a cost involved in downloading these apps, they have a yearly fee, but the Family Court can order that contact is via one of these and if the other party does not want to pay for it then that’s up to them – they won’t be able to make contact will they! Having one of these then means that you can change your email address and mobile number if you wish to, (but then again, if your son has your mobile number in his phone then his Dad could just look for it,) but at least you can block certain people from contacting you via phone or email.

[Lifebegins]

Hi WantsToHelp

The issue for me is that I don’t want to deal with the 3rd party at all anymore. And I shouldn’t have to should I? I agreed to them acting as 3rd party to facilitate child contact and of late, they are going way beyond their remit and are assisting my ex in abuse, if not instigating their own. The more I think about it, what’s the point of having a non-mol if I’m being made to feel in this way and they can get away with it? I’ve always thought the 3rd party was controlling and not a nice person but they’ve been kept in check I think by my having legal representation. All of a sudden since I haven’t, they’ve become a ‘legal professional’ telling me what to do so I’m dealing my ex, his solicitor and now the 3rd party in a legal capacity. I feel ganged up on and actually the 3rd party is involving themselves in issues that are nothing to do with them.

I’m seriously thinking about going to discuss the matter with the police as if I don’t deal with this decisively now, I’m making a rod for my own back in the future. Then contact my ex’s solicitor saying I won’t deal with 3rd party any longer due to their behaviour and offering an alternative contact schedule that doesn’t require a handover and all changes to contact (which shouldn’t be many) to go via his solicitor. My other option is to go down the child arrangement order route. Is this a road I want to go down though? On top of 3rd party behaviour, ive also had my ex not keeping to arrangements which have adversely affected me for a number of times in last year.

I should be concentrating on other legal matters at the moment but my mind/time is taken up with this. Probably what they want. But I refuse to take this lying down xx

[Author]

Posts