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Hello there,
What a crazy few weeks it has been! My escape plan is pretty much there, I have a temporary home to go to for two weeks before I can move in to my new flat – I can’t wait but I’m scared for (detail removed by Moderator). My hub is out for the day and I have a gang of friends coming over in the morning to help me pack the rest of my stuff, the things that I haven’t been able to move in fear of raising suspicion. I’m leaving a short letter as I couldn’t face the face to face manipulation. I’ve been there and done that and learnt the hard way – letter is best for me to get me out and safe. I am so scared of his wrath, I just don’t know what to expect but I know it’s going to be b****y awful. I just keep saying to myself, I’m not happy as simple as and I don’t need to justify this. I will not be talked out of it but he’s going to be desperate and likely to try everything. I’ve got a new mobile number set up to give to my friends and family so I can just turn the other phone off, but I’m scared that if I don’t talk to him at all he will get more and more desperate and more angry. My poor mum has had a new lock put on her door to feel safer. I’m feeling pretty terrified of him. He hit me once round the legs and had me once by the neck against the wall but that was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago – he hasn’t raised a hand since then but it scares me to think what he could do. I’m just willing it him to be rational and understanding but it’s not in his natures, certainly when he’s been rilled. Please don’t let it be as bad as I’m thinking it will be. I will not go back but I’m not sure about the mental warfare that is heading my way. Wish me luck friends xx -
Please talk to the police and inform them of your plans. The violence all those years ago was to keep you under control. It only needs to happen once. So you have seen what he’s easily capable of. You’ve been in survivor mode all those years. Appeasing him to keep yourself safe. Inform the police of your mothers address and anywhere else you think he may show up. Your work? Don’t underestimate him. Don’t feel you have to leave him a letter and yes I remember the fear of cutting him off. You might want to keep the number for a few weeks for evidence because no doubt he will be threatening you. Can you give the number to a friend to hold. Please also contact your local women’s aid who can help you and offer support. If you really want to leave him a message then do it by text telling him you do not wish him to contact you again and if he does you will report him to the police. This is your evidence of harrassment, if he does contact you then don’t respond because then it’s an argument. If you can go earlier then please do so. These men are very clever at monitoring us and one slip up and he could hurt you badly. Keep your mobile on you at all times, fully charged and inform the police of your plan x
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I had goosebumps when i read this. I have such admiration for you for doing this. You are truely incredable. I have no advise but I couldnt read such an amazing post without leaving a message. Stay strong stay determined stick to your plan and go be safe. I hope you have support for when you are out i believe you will need sone as im certain its not easy but if you can survive an abusive relationship you can certainly survive and even thrive without one.
You deserve a pain free life a happy and content life. Im routing for you and wishing you so much love and luck You Got This Go For It ❤ -
Oh those days before you go are so surreal. You are strong brave supported and have a strategy. He has crossed your line. Hold that line. Step into your future. Please be mindful leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Leave that note. Head for the hills and call police they can assist and put a marker on your house. Support is available get out and you can then get court orders. Don’t tell him of your plans and stay strong – you’ve got this x
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Hi –
So glad that you have a place to go, are getting out, and have good friends.
This is your hub, you have changed out phone, what about establishing a separate bank account for yourself if it is joint?
Stop worrying about how bad it might be after, live! Do you have an attorney, let them handle it and do the worrying.
Your mum feels unsafe, you feel unsafe, be alert and watch your back.
Prayers 🙂 Chickadee
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I hope it all goes well, I hope you can be totally zero contact after leaving, I totally understand how hard that feels. But every time I contacted him after I left I want back 10 steps. We can only heal and move forward when we are zero contact. There was absolutely no reason for the contact he wanted after I left. I felt I owed it to him as I left and had sent him an email to say its over. But I didn’t owe him that contact, he used it to punish and manipulate me.
I understand the fear too, we spend so long trying to appease them, that fear of upsetting them is huge. I felt fear all the time for a while after leaving, even though luckily I was somewhere he didn’t know and couldn’t have known where I was. I think we just have to feel it before it can pass through us, it did pass and it was one of the first feelings to leave me. (I would say KIP’s advice sounds very good and may help you feel safer)I remember before leaving, I was like on automatic pilot, my brain was in solution mode only. Emotions, feelings, they were kind of blocked out. Later when you are safe they can come out.
You sound very brave and supported, you can do this x*x
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Wow, you guys have some great advice thank you so much. I know what youre saying about involving the police and im sure youll think im being naive but I think this will enrage the situation significantly. Its tricky because hes going for a gun licence and if i involve the police unnecessarily it will scupper his chances of getting the licence. I want to keep this as my get out of jail card if he gets out of hand. I need to keep things as calm as possible.
Annoyingly we are getting on ok at the moment but I think thats more down to me towing the line and not challenging the situation. Im quietly getting on with my plans.
Still scared but excited too.
Hugs to you all xx
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Really good luck timetofly your so brave, getting out can feel like your on the run and adrenalin filled it can be really scary, but the amount of people you’ve got around you is a good safety net, it was such a good idea to switch off the other phone not just for the contact avoidance but it may be a way to track you too, they find any way and every way to get at us when we go, they are like parasites you’ve pulled off that can’t feed anymore and that’s essentially what they are doing, they’re feeding of us as supply and taking things out on us cos they’re not mature enough to deal with things as a mature adult man would, I wish you every luck in the future 🥂🎉💝
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I may need to rethink my exit plan, sounds like hes not going to be out for the day now. Really wanted to avoid the confontation and avoid his eflast ditch efforts to undermine me. Makes it complicated with friends coming to help with the move, puts them in a poopy position. The one time I actually need him tonignore me and do his own thing!!! I shall have a think.
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Ask the police to come round when you’re leaving and DO NOT allow him to get a gun. Make a complaint to the police about his abuse and under no circumstances should he be allowed a gun. Nearly 3 women a week are killed by current or previous partners in this country. It’s a dangerous time for you and others if he has a gun.
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Yeah the gun thing sounds scary, abuser + gun = not a good combination, also try and see if you can find a way if he’s tracking/hacking or looking at your devices because they do this and the fact his plans have suddenly changed from being out might be an indication of this (not saying it is, it just could be) keep in touch, take care
💜💛💜
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Hi,
Back on for the escape as planned. I’m not even sure how to start checking about tracking – I’ll need to research this but unlikely to find time. Any pointers gratefully received.Thanks for the comments re the gun, my priority at the moment is to get me out and safe. The licence has not been approved yet and may take up to six months, I need to deal with this completely seperately as at the moment I have far too much on and too much worry but I take your comments on board.
Thanks for your support, it really does mean a lot xx
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I think if you turn your phone off it can’t be tracked as no signal. On a lot of phones there is a find my phone app which if you go into you can see if your phone location is being shared with anyone. Takes 2 secs and you can disable it in settings I understand (obviously just do it as soon as you’ve left as you don’t want to alert him beforehand). Not sure if there are any other methods of tracking though.
Be careful. We’ve discussed this on the forum before but they seem to have a sixth sense about us when we’re about to leave. Like you I was petrified about what his reaction would be after I left but I involved the police and they took over completely and helped me leave and legally put a stop to any further abuse. Even so, I was vigilant after and remain so.
Def deal with gun situation after you get yourself sorted. If your mum is getting extra locks on the door, then this is not a man that should have a gun. I can’t say much on the forum but the police take this very very seriously. Pm when you’re sorted and I can explain.
And your right it’s scary leaving but exciting too. Although I was scared the relief I felt after I left was indescribable. Good luck. Keep safe and stay strong. Wishing you all the best x*x
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Hello all,
I just wanted to clarify that he is a competitive shooter, hes been borrowing a gun (kept with that person by law) to shoot at competitions. He applied for his own competitive rifle licence a while ago. I just knew it would act as an intimadation if I stayed so knew I had to move and fast. As i say I will feal with this when im out and settled. One thing at a time.
Wishing ypu all a safe and peaceful weekend x
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Well, I’m out phew!!! I know all the advice was to go no contact and I can see why but he knew where my mum lived and I worked, friends etc. I wasnt willing to give up on all those things to go cold turkey. He has been contacting me and we have seen each other. Its very hard to see him so upset but he is saying all the expected things I remain strong and determined and will not go back. Well see how the communication piece goes but for now it’s just keeping things stable and my message is clear that I cant and wont do it.. o may need to look at an injunction at some stage but for now, whilst he remains in the jointly rented property I need to keep on civil terms so he doesnt trash the house. I will still involve the police if need be. I am currently safe and away for the weekend, my phone on silent. We’ll see, I’m sure harder days are coming but I’ll take what I can for now. Thanks for your support xx
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Hi all,
Well finally the initial barrage of communication is at a lull. He wished me good bye and a good life. All well and good but from a practical side we’ve had to communicate about the house/cat and he’s switched to cold and practical which suits me fine. He is due to leave the house on the (detail removed by Moderator) which gives me (detail removed by Moderator)to sort anything else out before the keys go back and he’s going on holiday (detail removed by Moderator) so at least he’s out of my hair. I’m just hoping that this lull lasts but I’m expecting a resurgence when he gets back after holiday – fingers crossed though. As a bonus he paid me the money he owed me. It is very sad because, I assume typically, he is very remorseful of all the things he’s done to me – he’s confessed all on facebook and doesn’t understand why I won’t let him make it better. I’d love to believe he would change but I can’t trust him to do that and I can’t get caught in this loop again. Onwards my friends x
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Wow well done Timetofly, congratulations on this huge achievement. Be proud of yourself. The strength and courage to leave is huge.
I think when you need to go no contact you will know. I wasn’t at first but after contact was damaging I had to go that way. I also knew I would end up going back if I carried on in contact..And I couldn’t heal in contact.
But Wow you sound extremely strong. Your enforcing your boundaries with him which is great.
A book I really love is Boundaries after pathological abuse. Highly recommend.
x*x -
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So glad you’ve made the leap timetofly and I’m glad he’s not terrorising/stalking you (cos that’s horrendous) I’m sorry you went through all of it and hope everything goes well for you in the future, the Facebook admission could be tactical, your happiness and freedom are what’s important now, take care 💗💞💗
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