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    • #11050
      Jelly bean

      For those of you that haven’t alread read some of my previous posts, I’ve been hiding away in my home for a number of months now scared to go out alone (I can manage for short periods in company of family or close friends) incase I bump into my ex and worried about what half of my village think of me as I’ve been publicly made out to be a mentally ill monster.

      After taking some amazing advice from serenity on this forum, I decided enough was enough and today I went to the local shops by myself. This was a massive step for me and I’ve got to say, I almost talked myself out of it but I went anyway and I’m really glad I did!

      However, I saw one of my exes little minions whilst I was there and i know what this person thinks of me and has said about me. The old me would of ran out the shop in a panic and gone home. But the new me decided that I have nothing to be ashamed about, I know the truth! I know everything he’s said to everyone else is a pack of lies and I’m sick of having to hide myself away! So I stood with my head high and my shoulders back, and I looked this person straight in the eye. And do you know what, they instantly looked away and walked straight by me.

      I did it. I showed myself and everyone else there today that I’m not going to be intimidated any more. Even though inside my head was screaming all sorts at me, it didn’t matter. What mattered most is that I didn’t run away and I faced something I was scared of.

      I just hope I can put this ‘new me’ into practise with my ex..

      Ps – if you’re reading this serenity, then thank you!

    • #11059

      Wow- Jelly Bean! I am so proud of you!

      I don’t know what I said to encourage you to do this, but I am glad I wrote what I wrote! I can’t believe how strong you are!

      You go, girl! xxxx

    • #11067
      White Rose

      Well done. That is such progress. You should feel proud of yourself! X*x

    • #11069
      mixed-up mum

      Well done you!!! That’s amazing – I wish I had your courage.

      My ex has very few friends (if any!!) and the one person he can call upon is his neighbour (my ex neighbour) when I was just (detail removed by moderator) out I asked her if she would act as go-between and help us negotiate maintenance – well she took his side – got way too involved – and it ended very badly – she called in her family to support her and I was victimised by them – she made up stories that I was drinking, on drugs and that I was mentally ill, and she even threatened me with Social Services. I was in bits.

      I still have to see her and her son & daughter in the area from time to time – and I want nothing to do with them.
      They are working in the public and I just KNOW they are such gossips that they would delight is spreading those awful lies about me – it made me ashamed to go out in public for fear of what folk were thinking of me, and if they believed those lies being spread about me – although I’d done nothing wrong.

      I tried to avoid beig out at times I thought they might be about and hid from them if I did see them – how dare they make ME feel guilty – when I did nothing wrong – how dare they make me hide from them – its was THEM who was in the wrong not me.

      Ive come face to face with the mother on a few occasions and it is not comfortable – she makes this pretence of being all friendly – and full well she knoes I want nothing to do with her.

      To this day I cannot and will not look the daughter in the eye – she has the brass neck to come near me in public and full well she knows I don’t want to see her or talk to her – its like she is flaunting her ‘authority’ over me – I feel persecuted by her presence in ‘my space’ – its like she is rubbing my nose in it – saying I’m the one in control here.

      I hate them for how they made/make me feel – I have done nothing wrong – there was NO truth in those lies they spread – but I just have to hope the people who REALLY know me KNOW that it was all lies – and the folk who believed their lies don’t REALLY know ME at all…..

      I know that I have nothing to feel ashamed of….. I know the truth…. but my good name means so much to me and with their lies they have made me feel intimidated by them – I hate the way the daughter ‘threatens’ me with her presence in public….. I wish I had the nerve to look her in the eye and let her know she no longer has the power over me. She is normally a shy person and I know she would back down if I had the courage to stand my ground.
      I shouldn’t let her presence threaten me – she’s the one who should be ashamed of herself – not me…..

      It’s like I feel less of a person, lower that them – the way I let them control me.

      But it’s the same with my ex – the power HE still has over me – the way I can never say no to his demands – why should I feel any less of a person than them…..why should I let them have the power and control over me…..why am I affraid of what will happen if I stand up for myself……why must I be affraid…..

    • #11072
      Jelly bean

      Thanks all !

      Serenity, I think it was on my last post when you told me about how much of a state you were in after some comments from cafcass and that you decided you wasn’t going to show any of them any emotional weakness any more.

      You told me I needed to be calm at least on the outside and not to give anyone any ammunition because I know the truth.
      That really stuck in my head and made me realise how right you were. Things are always going to be tough in these kind of situations but it’s true. I have to show them I’m not going to be intimidated any more – at least on the outside! So thank you x*x

      Mixed up mum –
      Going to those shops yesterday was a big thing for me, my counsellor tells me that anxiety about doing something in particular (for me leaving the house) goes on for long periods of time because the only way we can relieve the feelings – both physical and emotional – is to run away from them. But that’s only a temporary fix. Infact, if we actually face the thing we are so anxious about, we will find that the physical and emotional feelings we get when we are faced with something we are anxious about fizzle out quite quicker than we would have thought. Meaning that over time, we will start to learn how to not be so afraid any more. I hope this helps chick x

    • #11077

      That’s right!

      Be a calm and graceful swan on the outside – even if you are paddling in a frenzy underneath!

      Only reveal how you really feel to trusted, non-abusive people, or else you will feel vulnerable and will feel invaded, if those people react to your sharing negatively. Keep yourself strong by sharing with those who understand.

      Revealing things is giving those people ammunition. You are under no obligation to reveal things to others if you don’t feel safe doing so. You are building boundaries that protect you. You don’t owe others explanations, and you don’t exist to achieve others’ approval. You are on this earth to be you, and to live according to your own truth.

      And with those who try to attack you or affect you- be a grey rock ( see Grey Rock Method)!

      Hugs X


    • #11081
      mixed-up mum

      Hiya Jellybean – yes I see what you are saying – I’ve never had any counseling – but I get what they are saying to you – I keep ‘running away from it’ and ‘hiding’ and so long as I keep doing that the situation will never go away – the only way to make it go away is face it head on – oh how I wish I were that brave – to look her right in the eye and say to myself YOU don’t scare me anymore – and then her ‘power over me will disappear – its ME who is ‘letting’ her have that power over me – and it’s only ME who can put a stop to it …..if only I had that courage….

    • #11087

      Hi Both,

      The fact that two members of my family have been quite unsupportive of me during my abuse crisis has made me realise something important:
      that those family members ( quite dominant and powerful figures) never accepted me and my differences to them- in short, I don’t think I felt accepted in my own family, and was trying to find acceptance with my abuser who demonstrated similar personality traits to them.

      I didn’t realise these members were abusive until now- until I needed them, because I have always been there trying to caretake them.

      What I am saying is, as my next round of counselling is showing me, is that I have seemed to need others’ approval. But it is dawning on me- like a huge lightbulb!- that I don’t need to live like that.

      Certain people won’t understand or approve because of their own hang-ups, ignorance, lack
      Of awareness, ability to be swayed by a manipulator, etcetera.

      If we our self-esteem is dependent upon others giving us validation, gaining happiness and peace is going to be like climbing Everest.

      M.U.M- there is a sense in which if we hide from things, they become bigger in our mind. The monster looms larger. Practising ‘desensitisation’- doing the thing you fear repeatedly, until your fear subsides, has a lot going for it as an idea.

      However, we can’t forget that with a sadistic abuser, no contact or as little contact as possible is the only way, as any contact is poisonous. But as far as these people who you see publicly ( not have to live with and be affected by everyday ), a feigned strong and unaffected air of confidence as you breeze by is enough to knock them off their imagined throne or perch! X

    • #11101
      Jelly bean

      I feel like I’ve taken a bit of a step back tonight. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it but it’s really hard when I really felt like I was getting somewhere 🙁

      I’ve had to print off lots of things as evidence and some of that includes posts on social media about me from him and other people in my area. I had read some of them but not all of them, I didn’t want to know what people thought of me. (My mum saw them and saved them) but I couldn’t help myself and i read every single one.

      Now I feel so low again and my self esteem has plummeted again 🙁

    • #11124

      Jellybean – print off more copies and ceremonously burn them in the garden and just watch that rubbish float away on the wind – because that’s what is, total rubbish! And you are printing them off as evidence, which is going to turn into another positive for you when you present it.

      I read you original post at the top and it made me grin for you. So happy for you that you made that step and looked that woman in the eye and she backed down (like bullies do) xx

      You are a strong woman who is coming out the other side of this. Up days and down days but you are creating your own up days – good for you xx

    • #11126

      Don’t get put off by down days- two steps forward, one step back.

      I burnt ceremoniously the final ( and only ) Xmas present Mr Nasty ever gave me. A book telling me to be subservient.

      I breathed in the sea air and I watched the embers float away as I sipped champagne.

      He thought I would keep it as a manual xxxx


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