A bit confused and conflicted after (trying) to end relationship.

[starryeyed]

So I left my flat and pretty much my whole life (detail removed by moderator). I can’t believe how quickly time has gone and I feel awful about upping and leaving my job and flat like that, especially friends that I had minimum contact with and who didn’t know what was going on. I’m really lucky and fortunate that I have supportive family and friends, now I have told them stuff, and I’m fortunate to be able to leave…I just feel like I’ve lost everything because of him and I desperately wish that things could be different between us. I still feel like I’ve overreacted or made things up or been too sensitive about things…even when I spoke to the police and Women’s Aid. I still can’t really see things for maybe how they are/were.

Sometimes I feel like I know I had no choice but to leave, and I can see the emotional manipulation, verbal aggression…all the textbook tactics he used. But then literally within hours I feel this deep pull at wanting to contact him, desperate to speak with him and feel him near and for us to make things better…but then weirdly I feel scared of him too. I feel either really low or totally numb.

I tried to go no contact with him at first, but I buckled. I realised I had to then block him in all areas of communication but I forgot he had another social media account and he contacted me through that. I buckled and responded and we exchanged messages, saying we missed each other, loved each other…he wanted to meet and I agreed at first. Then after thinking I said no, please don’t book the hotel (he offered this and wanted to split the cost for a whole weekend) and I said this twice (I had to check I had said this, I don’t trust my brain) and he went ahead and did it anyway.

I then said I would meet him for the day, thinking we could meet in public to talk as he wanted to…and I did as well, I wanted to tell him how he had treated me. He said he wanted to know so he could change…if I loved him as much as I said I did then I would do this. But he didn’t want just one day and kept pushing and pushing for me to stay and wanted an immediate answer from me. I spoke to Women’s Aid about it and the DASH risk assessment score prompted me to know that I couldn’t meet him for safety reasons.

So I sent him a message to say that I was not meeting him and that our relationship had been far from healthy and to take care. He sent a message back saying was I 100% sure because this was my last change to be with him, he can’t do this anymore, he has tried and tried and can’t keep doing it, will need to move on .etc…and then I blocked him and deleted/deinstalled my social media completely. Because I found I was torturing myself with it…his messages and then seeing what he was doing. It was awful, I still think about it now.

It felt so scary, after so much back and forth. He was never physical with me but I was scared he may be, even though he said he wouldn’t ever raise a finger to me. He did say fighting and hurting someone was better than sex though, I know he enjoys fighting and I know he likes seeing me upset…saying I look beautiful when I cry for example, liking ‘make-up’ sex (as he called it…it was horrid to think that). I hated that I wanted to see him, spend the weekend with him, hoping it would go back to being good and that he meant it all, but then also I was scared of him and worried he wouldn’t listen and worried what he would do if I didn’t run straight back into his arms and move back.

Since then, he has called me from different mobile numbers and left long voicemails. And he has sent me a long email. Basically asking to meet for the day and apologising for being aggressive and pushy in his last message and that he won’t move on, he didn’t mean that and he is sure I am the one and there is only one. He vowed to be celibate until we meet again, promises me on his life there will not be anyone apart from me, he is mine and mine forever, still sees the future in me and will do long distance and then build the life we dreamt of, wants to marry me, the love with never fade and he is going to wait forever for me and always be mine. He sent apologies to my family (because of an illness) and said he feels the hurt that I am feeling. Asking me to trust him that change is possible, let’s take the heartbreak away and move forward together as one. He said he isn’t drinking anymore and already has a positive outlook. He wants me to know that he has seen the error of his ways. If we love each other as much as we say we do then you know that there’s nothing on this earth that can stop us being together, wishes he could take back what he did and how he acted and show me how much he cares. He said he is just a call away and will always be there waiting for when (detail removed by moderator) I am ready.

I feel completely confused, it has played on my mind constantly and I’ve managed to not buckle and reply.(detail removed by moderator) ? I wonder if he genuinely means what he says…he said in previous messages he has gone for help but there seemed to be some discrepancy to what he was saying…I’m not sure it would be possible. Is this love bombing or hoovering? Or is he genuinely wanting to rectify and wait for me? It just seems so different to how he was the other day – saying that this was final and that was that, we were over and he couldn’t wait or try anymore.

I feel very confused and I don’t really want to change my phone number or email because I have really changed everything else because of him. I’ve moved, I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost contact with friends (I hope I can rectify this in the future), lost my connections and feel like I’ve lost myself. I have no idea what I want and yet he seems to be able to continue with his life and he is making it out like I am the one who has caused this trouble…although he switches from saying I haven’t ruined anything if I take him back and we talk to saying why am I punishing him like this and being so cruel and selfish.

I also thought that perpetrators would change their attitudes/behaviours…like in a cycle more…so be really overly nice to then getting angry and then threats. But I don’t think there have been any threats? Nothing too aggressive? He has been frustrated and pushy but most of it seems so overly lovely (or is it lovely?)…so this makes me question if he really did abuse me or if he really is an abuser?

Sorry for such a long post, I get a bit conflicted in my head if I should even be on this forum. Thank you for listening and reading x*x

[starryeyed]

I’m very worried that I am a n********t and I have been the abusive one to him. I was thinking about when we first met – I was the one who said I loved him first and I was the one who said I would marry him first. And it was not long into our relationship at all, just a few months. Was I hoovering him or lovebombing him then? Would I know if I was n**********c? Or am I just deluded? He said I have been difficult and emotionally abusive to him, stringing him along and changing my mind all the time. Do you think that maybe I’ve been the one grooming him? Because I had come from a long term relationship and met him straight away after that finished and I was the one who ended it with him now? Is it because I have just decided to drop him?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello starry eyed
No, it doesn’t sound to me as if you have been the one who was grooming him.

It sounds like you have simply been trying to figure out what you wanted and what you want and that he is not IT.

The fact that you are reflecting on yourself says to me that you are NOT a n********t.
I have been watching some you tube videos thinking about this recently. Hope this helps a bit
all best
(detail removed by Moderator)

[Good samaritan]

I too am feeling like you especially the more I read. I’m confused as to what we had. Was it a relationship a friendship or just a security blanket for both of us. Sometimes we could communicate and enjoy each other and he told me time and time over he was sick of me changing my mind and breaking my promises. What I’ve now seen is it was him blame shifting and playing on my nurturing side. I didn’t want to hurt him by been honest about how I felt inside then when I did find the courage he would say I was cruel. It was only after I kicked him out and there was distance between us that I could finally write it all down and tell him. Even then I would send him something mean and regret it in case it made him feel bad and I would apologise so it’s left me wondering if it was me that caused it all. One thing I do know for certain is I did not want him in my house anymore because of the damage he had caused to doors and furniture and I was basically his slave. It’s hard and I still miss his friendly side and the fact I can’t just reach out to him when I’m doubting myself but the relationship ended for one main reason and that was fear of the unknown because I never knew which side of him would appear or when. There wasn’t even any triggers that I could pick up on even when I had done everything he had asked of me or demanded off me it was never good enough he kept wanting more. I hope you can find it in you to enjoy life again without regrets and somewhere you feel content and comfortable x

[Good samaritan]

It was only when I read up on triangulation it hit home what my ex had done to me. This man that had no family or children turned out to be a compulsive liar who had affairs and no intention of sticking around until the bitter end. In fact he was adamant he was going to die at aged (detail removed by Moderator) because all the men in his life before him had died of heart problems at young ages yet he never attempted to look after himself in a healthy way even though had them thoughts. It was like he wasn’t enjoying life just existing it for himself. I ended up feeling as though he wanted the best of both worlds a slave at home at his beck and call whilst living the single life. You will find your strength of character again we all will. We have survived this long so must be good at something. Try not to beat yourself up over things because you’re neglecting yourself whilst doing that. A police woman said something that rang true to me I’ll always be a daughter mum and grandmother it’s now time to discover who you are and find yourself again x

[starryeyed]

Freedom – thank you. Yeah I suppose I was thinking…if I am questioning if I am a n********t or an abuser, then perhaps I’m not one? The thought of that makes me feel physically sick. He was so good at making me question myself and he even has me thinking I was the one who caused this. When I first met him he was literally everything I could have ever wished for in a partner – we have everything in common, loved the same things, believed in the same things, had the same future dreams. So I suppose, I fell for him hook, line and sinker and couldn’t believe I had finally found someone like this – if he had proposed (like he said he would many times) I think I would have said yes, despite only being together a short amount of time. I trusted him with my whole being. So when he began to change and become controlling, possessive, verbally aggressive, gaslighting me .etc. and it happened so insidiously…I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. Even though I have deleted my social media I found myself looking at his pages this morning for some sign if he had moved onto the next relationship and I saw he changed his photo to one of him smiling…it made me feel so ill and so conflicted. Not sure why I did this to myself. I seem to go from feeling stronger to then starting at the beginning again :/

GoodSamaritan – I’m sorry to hear that you feel the same. Yeah, I feel very conflicted too…was he actually the guy I met at the beginning? If so, why did he act in that way? Is it his personality, was it on purpose, was it a game, was it his own issues, was it his mental health? He says it is drinking/mental health related but he never had a drinking problem before and his behaviour wasn’t always when he had a drink. So then I wonder…did he hide a drink problem from me? Surely I would have known! So many questions and even when I tried to speak to him about them, I never got a proper reply. I think they do play to our nurturing side. When he was being kind to me, he would say that he loved how caring I was…but I wonder why he loved that, was it because he knew I was like this and could push my buttons? Or because he knew I would always try and patch things up and wanted to help him? And yes, the uncertainty was also one reason I felt I had to end this…nothing I ever did was the right thing and I never knew when his behaviour would change. We could have had a lovely time together to then suddenly – bam, his attitude towards me changed and it would be completely out of the blue – nothing to do with what we had spoken about, been doing. Sometimes things completely made up. It made me feel like I was going crazy and internally my anxiety was through the roof and I couldn’t let go. I’d spend the next few days anxiously trying to figure out what had happened and why, and I never got an answer. Things would happen like this on repeat…a few days, maybe a week of things being ‘good’ aka me staying at my flat and waiting and not really doing anything other than going to work, to then something triggering his behaviour and animosity towards me…maybe I went to see a friend for example, or we had been out somewhere together. Funny you mention your man said that he was going to die in his (detail removed by Moderator) – my man (I don’t even know what to call him now – so sorry by saying ‘man’ just confused) used to say exactly the same thing. He was going to die in his (detail removed by Moderator) but then he would say he wanted us to grow old together. And yes, I felt that my man wanted the best of both worlds – someone at home to have sex with and take care of him but also have the single life. He would say things like this when he was out as well. He managed to mask things so well though, he would say he wanted me to go out with him in public but then either ignore me when we were or turn up separately and expect me to find him or he would make excuses and go back and forth so in the end I couldn’t go with him…he would say we were going out, then change his plans and then say he had to leave immediately when I wasn’t ready, so I couldn’t come. I ended up just waiting in my flat for him to come back at any time. A friend said to me, it was like he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but he wouldn’t let me go or let anyone else have me.

[Anonymous]

I left my current partner and then I went back because something similar happened, he pulled me back with promises of change and how he understood how wrong his behavior was and how some of the things he did were very disrespectful. I promise you this will all be short lived. Months later guess who is now the verbal abuser, the alcoholic, violent, etc. ME!

Every incident he apologized for and wanted to make amends for was remembered as MY FAULT.

[starryeyed]

Drainedxx, that is really scary to hear, I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I tried to break up with my ex/partner before but I listened to him say it was his mental health and tried to support him through it…then things got worse and he didn’t go for the help he said he was planning to do. Now I have left, physically up and moved – keep wanting to reach out to him :3 I was thinking what you say, because of what other women have said too…that it could get worse if I did go back and he will turn it on me…especially as I have left and called the police .etc. now he has things to be really mad about.

I can’t imagine how confusing that must be for you! To hear everything you experienced be projected onto you :3 And no change! Can I ask if his behaviour has gotten worse now? I don’t know if you live together – but I hope you can get some space to get some form of clarity in all of this <3 Stay strong <3

[mushroom]

Hi starryeyed,

Reading your posts and your replies to mine our partners are so similar in what they do and say. Since he’s been to “therapy” he seems to be overcompensating saying the same things – I’m here for you, I want to make it up to you, it was an “illness”, that we are meant to be together until old age and he’s so sorry for his past behaviour. Then when things don’t go his way he acts differently for a brief moment, and if he thinks I notice he shifts back. I’ve also been wondering if I was controlling and abusive – determining when we saw each other as he was keen and breaking contact when I felt he was annoyed at me. But lucky for me I been reading a book on emotional abuse and I’m understanding this is part of the abuse. I was being wary and cautious for a reason. They project their behaviour on you so you end up questioning yourself rather than them, and then you feel guilty and give in. It’s a distraction to unhinge you. Look at your other relationships with family and friends – is it the same? Of all the relationships you have which one makes you feel this way? Is there anyone else you talk to you and then have to justify or analyse a conversation or your feelings afterwards, or explain why certain behaviours are hurtful? I’ve done this and he is the only one I have this issue with. Ask your friends – mine all say I’m a good natured and caring friend/mother/daughter/sister. Everything they do is meant to undermine and confuse, then we become exhausted and can’t fight back. Having said that I still have times when I question myself and go through the same doubts all over again, and I’m sure this will carry on. And I admit there are times when I’ve behaved badly or not like myself and I’m realising that’s because I’ve been provoked and cornered into doing so. This is not a normal relationship and so my reactions are not always going to be normal. But with other people they are normal! I do still miss him and want him to change but I’m thinking about the nice guy I met that seemed perfect. I’m learning there is no such thing, not permanently anyway, and he can’t keep the nice guy act up for long. You are right to question things, we all need to but remember you are a good person and that’s why you are in this situation like us all. We care too much and that’s what’s been taken advantage of. x*x

[Tiffany]

Starry-eyed, please change your number. You are not an abuser. You have not caused his behaviour. Neither has his illness, if he has one. My ex also had mental health problems. BUT, when he finally got help, just before I left, I realised that the only reason he was getting help was so he could keep treating me in the same way and blame his mental health. Nothing was ever his fault. When I refused to take responsibility for his actions, he retreated behind a shield of ‘my mental health problems made me do it’. He apologised that I had been hurt (by his problems) but never that he had hurt me. There is nothing you can do to change or help a man like this. The only thing you can do is go no contact. The fact that he is still pursuing you after you blocked all normal modes of contact are massive red flags for abuse. He has booked a trip that you repeatedly told him you didn’t want to go on, and expects you to pay for half of it! It’s not normal. It’s hoovering and gas lighting and frankly I think the man is dangerous.

Mobile phone numbers mean nothing compared to getting our lives back. It seemed like a huge step when I left. I had had the same number my whole life. But once I changed it I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t done it sooner.

Look after yourself. Make time for smallacts of self care. Things will get better.

[starryeyed]

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it <3

Mushroom – I have been thinking about my other relationships with friends/family and what they are like, also about arguments because my ex/partner always said that the incidents between us were silly arguments…but I never felt that they really were. So it has left me confused with what is normal and acceptable behaviour and maybe I took it all out of context. I guess arguments are between 2 people and I don’t tend to get into many arguments because I really don’t like conflict. I’d much rather talk it out and I’m usually happy to agree to disagree really. In fact with some friends and family I think I get walked all over and I tend to go along with things so have found myself in situations I’m not that happy in, just to avoid conflicts. So I guess with my ex/partner I found the level of these ‘arguments’ really abstract – I didn’t understand why I was being so defensive as he put it. He would be the one shouting and swearing at me and storming in/out and I would sit there in silence or cry or try to get him to calm down by saying very little, hoping he would stop and then I would apologise for whatever it was that I had done that made him go off at me. Recently I’ve been feeling like this situation is karma because I didn’t treat a previous ex-boyfriend very well towards the end of the relationship.

Tiffany – I have changed my contact details now. I haven’t deleted my old email account though so he has one method of contact but I am trying to not check this too regularly. I also think he has emailed for the last time now, a few days ago. It was a horrid email and it kinda proves that he hasn’t gone for help, or the help maybe isn’t for this situation…he is playing the victim and also pledging ignorance. Thank you for pointing out the hotel booking and the constant contact even when I blocked – that it isn’t normal, because at the moment it feels like it was totally normal :3…he clearly was trying to still get in touch as last email he said he knows I changed my number. I felt like I was making a bit more progress but I feel just as confused again.

[Tiffany]

I am so glad you have been able to make this step starry-eyed! It should really help. I didn’t delete my old email either. It’s my junk inbox now and I check it about once a month. To be honest, I probably left it partly to keep a channel open, which isn’t really a great thing, but my ex had also actually stopped harassing me by the time I managed to switch it – it was my last change – so I don’t feel pressure to sort it now. If the harassment restarted I would probably close the account down. Clarity is so much easier after a period of no contact. I would suggest that if you had your phone automatically downloading emails from your old account (or your computer) that you unlink them so you don’t even know when you have new emails and it takes that bit more effort to check them.

And if he keeps harassing you by email then do consider going to the police about it. I didn’t have to go that far, as without fuel my ex gave up pretty quickly – it was daily for a couple of weeks, sporadic after that for a couple of months, and then pretty much died off once he realised I wasn’t replying and was blocking him. Unfortunately your ex sounds more persistent, and obviously has actually stalked you, which is pretty scary behaviour. Ask advice on here about it if you need, or phone the help line. I know a couple of ladies on here have had success with police warnings to their exes not to contact them again. It doesn’t seem to have to involve disclosing all of the abuse, just the harassment after you left, if you have the emails as evidence. I hope you don’t need it though. Good luck.

[mushroom]

Well done for changing your number Starryeyed and yes try to stay away from the emails if you can (I know it’s hard). I understand what you’re saying about not liking conflict and I feel the same, but more because if two people can really communicate there shouldn’t be much – even disagreements can be discussed rationally and calmly. You said in another post he said he got a thrill from arguing and that is part of him trying to control you. Just that in itself is not right, plus all the other things you’ve mentioned. As for karma, we’ve all made mistakes and that’s part of life. If you did treat someone badly but learned from it and changed your behaviour that’s all that counts. You certainly don’t deserve abuse like this as a punishment! Remember causing confusion is part of their control tactics. You’re doing so well to go no contact so far. Stay strong and keep going!

[starryeyed]

Hey mushroom, thanks for your reply. Yeah I agree with you about communication and being able to talk things through. I think I have learnt from my mistakes in the past but with his last email (and sure it will be as it has been a while since he sent one) I feel like I have really tortured him. The things he has said has been etched into my brain – lacking empathy, a coward, cruel, I just ran away and left him. Yeah his arguments with me would end with me apologising and then him being attentive and looking after me – it felt like that was a thrill for him to be able to do this. Thank you for your message <3

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