A bit lost

[Lostandaloneeee]

Hey there. Not sure where to start really. Feeling lost,stupid,hurt,confused. Was previously married for a long time that ended badly. He was a n********t. Took me a long time to come to terms with this and all is been through. But eventually I got there.
I met a new person. Who was so kind and fun and gentle and, after taking things really slowly for my own reassurance as much as anything, he was loving and giving. I was so in love and felt so blessed. We seemed to want all the same things. Simple things really, or so I thought. Happiness. Love. Support. Fun. He was the one who talked about the future and about marriage. He was the one who encouraged the forever.
The first time in hindsight I had a red flag was well into the relationship. He drank too much. Called me names, called me a w***e. Told me to F off. And left me in the city alone. Of course then, like every time since, I got the pouring out of sorry. The love. The guilt. I ended up feeling bad for him.
Over time. Instead of progressing. The relationship seemed to slow. The love seemed still there. But there was resistance. Or complete aversion at times. Lateness. Not making plans. Telling me I expected to much. Making jokes at my expense gaslighting. Making me feel crazy. Having me arrange things and telling me he didn’t.
Small things. Things that eroded at our relationship and consequently at me. Implying I ‘sat on my a*s’ all day. That I was spoilt. That I was lazy. Saying I was always correcting him. Making him feel incompetent. Controlling him. Making him feel he wasn’t good enough for me.
There were other things too. Usually drink related. Pushing. Shoving. Kicking. Breaking things. Always blamed on drink and not remembered. Always sorry.
Occasionally he seemed to see how he had been and ask for help. And thank me. And be so caring and loving. That I actually thought we would work through things. That maybe if I was just a bit more it would be enough.
But I knew a lot wasn’t right, and I kept going.
He left. When it was (detail removed by moderator). His contact and attitude grew worse. He was angry all the time. The names and the shouting and the anger I increased. I was almost relieved he wasn’t in the house.
Finally. After this repeated for weeks. I told him it was enough. I told him we were over. He says everything is my fault. He says maybe he can’t be the man I want him to be (despite me loving and forgiving and supporting him). He says I trigger his anger.

Then the kids took this absolutely terribly. They begged for things to be different. God knows I wanted them to be different.
So brief contact and he said he was going to seek help. For his anger.
We arranged to talk about this. But as this grows closer I grow sicker.
I’m cross with myself. I feel I’m usually a strong person who’s been through a lot in the course of my life. But I’m still sitting here. Thinking. I love him. I don’t want to. I know it’s not been good. I know I’ve been poorly treated, and yet I still love him and don’t want to feel like this anymore. And we have been though so much. And I’m terrified at the thought of ‘starting again’. It was hard enough last time. I feel stupid to have gotten into a similar situation.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Not sure if this will even make a difference. Maybe I just needed to get it out. Feeling so very alone and lost and don’t want to do something either way that I will regret.

 

[iliketea]

Hi I just wanted to say welcome, I’m not one of the wiser ladies here with a lot of experience so hopefully one of those will be along shortly. I just wanted to say don’t blame yourself, I’ve heard this is really common (I cant remember the reason why) but don’t blame yourself, its him not you. And also, your description of the course of your relationship sounded just like mine, so it resonated a lot. The small things particularly. It sounds as if you know a lot about this type of abuse anyway but if not, have a look around the forum, read some posts, there’s a really good book one for signposting to useful resources. Its good to get it out, and please carry on posting. I am sure one of the other wonderful women will be along soon. Sending you strength, its draining, and exhausting, Im still in it and so can totally identify with that. x

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Trying to slow my thinking and feel less anxious about it all – feel like a bit of a mess. Think I know one moment. Then the next moment feel like he’s right. It is me. I shouldn’t talk too much or nag or make him feel like nothings good enough.
It’s a horrible way to feel.
I hope you are ok in whatever you find you’re self going through x
(Must add – actually hesitated putting an x after the message. I’m not ‘allowed’ to do that)

[Wants To Help]

Hi lostandalone,

I take it that you haven’t yet had the talk about getting back together then? But the thought of it is already making you anxious and not feeling good?

Listen to that inner voice, take note of those feelings. You already know that this will be a mistake, but you are prepared to make yourself unhappy again for the sake of the children. No, no, no. Happy children have happy mummies. If you are not happy, your children will pick up on it. You have to put yourself first here. Perhaps you also feel that you can’t go back on your word, that you promised him you’d have that talk and consider getting back together – and now you’re regretting it.

You have every right to change your mind. Don’t go through with this if it’s not really right for you.

[Hazydayz]

Lostandlonley hello. I hear you. Many good women will hear you here too. Many who have experienced what you have and many that are going through this too! Please know that you are not alone here. Your feelings are understood because many feel the same. Please don’t feel stupid! Because your not! your just as you said, hurt confused and lonely. The being angry at yourself, this is understandable, we feel like this when we feel we have trusted someone who lets us down badly, again! We make mistakes, We’re human! There is no pressure on you here in this place, no judgement! There’s women who maybe are, or have felt same or similar, and who understand; how it feels! You’ll find here, a lot of experience, and a lot of support shared; maybe answers too? If you need and want support, help? it’s here for you and all in your own time. Stay safe💞

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you so much for your response. We spoke a while ago and he said he was going to pursue anger help and agreed he had a massive problem. We agreed to talk again, though I’m not sure why tbh.
I don’t really believe he will have pursued this – and I guess inside me there’s a small part that hopes. It’s one of those when it was good it was very good and when it was bad…. real cycle that was absolutely getting smaller and closer between times.
I therefore think my current struggle is caught up with hope, and added to by missing him and feeling anxious about a life without him there, as well as the kids emotions and my own realisation that this likely won’t change anyway if I do go back.
I spent so long believing this was the real deal. That’s how his good behaviour made me feel. But the ‘bad’ things are definitely happening more and the name calling and blaming in particular had become almost daily.
Think I’m scared I’ll believe him and he’s just sucking me in again. Or maybe I’m scared he’ll blame me for everything again. I’m really not sure. I do think though it’s important for some kind of finality or closure or something. Then I even question that!
As I said earlier…I’m a bit all over the place x

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you Hazydayz. I know we can be our own worst critics at times. I also know no one can tell me what to do or how to move forward. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to message. He makes me feel a bit ‘crazy’ and doubt myself. ❤️

[Wants To Help]

If you really aren’t 100% sure about going back to him then don’t give in. You can’t go in to something you’re unsure of (especially when you have previous proof it didn’t work) in the hope that it’ll work once you’re there! Would you buy a dodgy car from someone in the hope that the fault will put itself right once you’ve bought it? You wouldn’t would you. Why buy a car with problems that are likely to get worse? Doesn’t matter what it looks like on the outside, it’s how it performs overall that matters!

My ex told me he’d go to anger management classes. I was pleased. I thought he might actively seek them out. But a few days later he told me he hadn’t got time and he wanted me to find one for him. I didn’t mind, I was happy to help! I found one, got the price, told him the price, he wasn’t happy about that and suggested I should pay for them as he’d only agreed to go for my sake. Then he actually decided that he didn’t need to go at all, because he knew what made him angry – me, adding I knew what I did that made him angry, so if I didn’t do what I did that made him angry he wouldn’t be angry. So now he wasn’t going to go to anger management classes after all. And round in a circle we went.

He’ll promise you the world to get you back, but he won’t give it to you.

[Lostandaloneeee]

You’re so very right wants to help.

What you describe is just pretty much exactly what happened. ‘Thought about it… Want to do it. Didn’t…Will sometime… Made me feel angry trying to do it… Only time I feel angry is when I talk to you or talk about this… It’s your fault anyway… Maybe it’s you who needs to talk to someone… You abuse me… I didn’t do that/say that… You made that up… I don’t think you’re right in the head…You’re crazy.’

I’m shocked at a lot of the accusations and denials of things he’d begged forgiveness for before. But not surprised really. Have made arrangements to have anything forwarded to him and told him to stay away. I’m sure I’ll go through similar emotional times. I still blame myself for so much. But I do know at this moment you’re right. He will promise me the world and he will never treat me any different. My wee heart is breaking 😞
But if I am totally honest. The abuse was more than emotional. It was psychological, physical, sexual and spiritual, and it was growing steadily worse.
I hope one day soon I can look back and see just how lucky I am to be free of it.

[Lottieblue]

Oh my gosh you are amazing!! Good for you! Attagirl!
X

[Lostandaloneeee]

Awwww thank you so so much. Think I’m in shock a bit of I’m honest. I can’t believe I was even considering that we could find a way forward – and yet the blame for everything came back on me. I don’t feel very amazing at all. Not right now.
But the more I’ve read peoples experiences on here, the more I have realised that to tolerate and live through what we do. No matter where in that cycle we are. We are all being amazing and strong to survive it. For us and our kids.
I don’t want a relationship with anyone. Maybe that will change over time. The thought of trying to trust makes me feel physically sick. But I do hope that there are happy stories. Of positive futures. That can give us hope. ❤️❤️

[Hazydayz]

Lostandaloneeee ⬅️ I just realised my previous addressing you was spelt wrong? Sorry! Your managing to see somethings, a lot differently now too, I read in your post. Keep posting, keep reading, I’m hoping for you that you do find hope, in those positive outcomes that are shared here. Their key to helping change our mindsets! 💞

[Lostandaloneeee]

Aw don’t worry. Just nice for someone to talk to! It’s hard. But I try to keep reminding myself that the relationship…was harder 😞

[Wants To Help]

@lostandaloneee, you have hit a nail on the head there. We don’t realise how hard it was to be in the relationship until we have experienced what it really means to be free from it. That freedom really is something that money can’t buy.

Some of the things I can now do without having to weigh it all up first to see if it was worth the hassle or ask permission:

Watch something on TV
Go the shop when I want to
Buy what I want when I get there
Speak to friends on the phone
Plan nights out
Plan nights in
Plan weekends away with friends
My son have friends round to the house to visit or for sleepovers
Wear what I like
Have friends/family round the house whenever I please
Do nice things for other people without having to do it in secret

The last item on my list I mention because it was really important to me. I couldn’t help a neighbour with her shopping when she’d had an operation, or send thank you letters or sympathy cards to someone. My ex would sneer at me for being ‘soft’, he said that if I was soft, people would take advantage of me (yeah, like he did!). I remember once I sat and wrote a letter to someone whilst on the toilet because I wanted to pass my condolences on to someone whose family member had died. I had a feeling they may write back to me to acknowledge my letter, so I actually had to put another family member’s address on it in case they did. I daren’t risk my ex knowing I’d reached out to someone in their time of need.

Over time, he really started to demolish the person I was and remould me in to something he wanted, but I hated the person I was becoming. I felt stifled. I so wanted to be the happy, confident, successful, outgoing person I was before I met him. Anything I did that he didn’t agree with, well, I was just being disobedient, or doing it on purpose just to wind him up.

He is the only abusive man I have had a relationship with. My other relationships have all been fine. They have failed because they weren’t working for one of us, and although I’ve been heartbroken a few times in my life, it wasn’t because of abuse; it was because I fell out of love with them, or they fell out of love with me, or other things, but not abuse.

I have spent many years alone since I left my abuser, and that was by choice. I have focused on my son and been able to me the type of mum I wanted to be. I have focused on my career and found joy in helping people through that. It was years before I even wanted to date.

When it comes to dating have a read of a book called It’s Just A Date by Greg Behrendht. That has become my dating bible. If you follow the rules of dating it gives you the time to spot the ‘red flags’ of potential new partners well before you’ve invested too much time in them. I’ve had red flags pop up in conversations in the first hour of meeting someone for a coffee and I’ve known that there will never be a date number 2.

[Lostandaloneeee]

My goodness wants to help. Sounds like you had a real hard time of it. Some I identify with and some not so much.
My struggle is that he is so plausible. Nice. Funny. And outwardly caring. We’ve been told so many times we’re the ‘perfect couple’ and honestly sometimes it really felt like that. I think that’s why I stayed in it for longer and tried so be supportive.
In the early years I only really noticed the bigger problems. Usually drink fuelled. Anger rage and aggression. Snide remarks. Wouldn’t tell me what to wear, In fact made a big deal of saying I’ll not tell you what to wear. But would Then comment when we were out he could see down my top or Even accuse me of flashing men! (And I’m really modest and paranoid – so he fed off this)
His jealously was unbearable at times and it was only much later I realised I couldn’t even talk to family. He accused me of having an affair with (detail removed by moderator)!
Aside from the outward anger, the passive aggressive way he approached almost everything else was horrible. All of this became so much worse as time went on. I’ve spent more time actively thinking about this since the start of the year and everything he projected onto me and accused me of. He was doing.
I know I won’t miss every birthday/Christmas/special occasion being sabotaged before it happens
Drink fuelled rage at these special occasions – though always carefully done behind closed doors
Problems with planning. Anything.
Jealousy
Him having to come with me. Everywhere
Huffing for weeks if a friend left a simple comment or an x on a social media post
Constant lateness. Not turning up.
Belittling
Laughing at me
Telling me I’d no personality or sense of humour
Twisting what I said to make me sound ‘crazy’
Being called lazy – without using that word
Denying he had hurt me physically/sexually, even after dozens of messages saying sorry
‘Forgetting’ anything important
Ruining surprises for friends/children and claiming he didn’t know it was a secret
Doing things continually to see if he could get me to react
Jealousy about money
Pushing me away emotionally
Telling me lies
Shouting
Ex wife drama (which I can see so clearly now was created by him)
Talking over me
Ignoring me

Hurts to write even some of that down. And there’s so much more. I only realise how he was very very good at being covert about a lot of it. And now I feel like the fool.

I will remember that book. Though, like you, it will be a long time before I even want to consider dating.
Be safe and be happy wants to help. 🙏🏻❤️

[Wants To Help]

Thank you so much lostandaloneeee. I have just read what you have been through, don’t underestimate what a difficult experience you have had too. We all seem to minimise our own experiences and believe everyone else has it worse, it seems to be a trait of the caring people we are!

So glad you’re no longer thinking of having ‘that’ conversation with him. If you have doubts again just read this thread back to remind yourself why you don’t want to. You’ll do just fine without him.

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you wants to help❤️
It is such a horrible process. Like a roundabout That I can’t get off.
I understand it was abuse then I miss the ‘good’ times – even though I knew then and know now they never ever lasted, and I was ALWAYS blamed. Perhaps not immediately. The sorrys would follow. Then the pointing out how I had started it all or that it was my fault somehow.
Then the feelings of anxiety and regret and stupidity are there. Concentration is desperately hard too, and I am finding it hard to put it out of my mind. I know it has only been a relatively short time and Im sure that parts of these are all normal after any break up. Think because this is not my first time in this kind of relationship (all be it quite a lot different) I just feel I can’t even trust myself.
I know they say time is a healer…a fast forward button would be lovely tho!

[Wants To Help]

Oh yes, wouldn’t a fast forward button me fab! And an erase, rewind 🙂

You have to allow yourself to grieve, reflect, accept. Just because he wasn’t good for you doesn’t mean that the moment he’s gone everything is going to be fine. Emotions are all over the place, there is relief and exhaustion, panic and guilt, sadness and hope, just to name a few! Then there’s the loneliness and the regret. These are two of the biggest ones that make us doubt that what we have done is for the best and make us reconsider what we have done. Trying to avoid loneliness is key to having all that thinking time, so keeping yourself busy in some way is important. Watch films or documentaries, read, go for a walk, phone friends or family for a chat, reconnect with people you’ve lost contact with, write letters to people (that takes up a bit of time and could make someone else’s day to receive a letter in the post!)

Grief is for many things and we all handle it differently. It’s a normal emotion, and grief isn’t just for the dead.

Oh, and don’t beat yourself up for being ‘stupid’. I win the ‘stupidity’ award hands down for the things I did with my ex. I mean, he moved on when I kicked him out and then I begged for him to come back! We have to forgive ourselves for some of the decisions we’ve made, they may not have been great, but, as long as we learn from them, eventually…

[Lostandaloneeee]

You’re an inspiration. Thank you for your time. I have tears…but there’s comfort in knowing I’m not really alone in this. And I’m not ‘crazy’.
Thank u ❤️

[diymum@1]

Hi there, I haven’t been on here in a while. I just wanted to say that you will come through the other side off this. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Reading about domestic abuse really helped to validate what happened. Our storeys are all different but also very similar. The way we feel and the way you feel right now is how I felt too. Fast forward to now and im a few years out I now know this; these men do not think the same as we do, they lack empathy, they have an entitlement problem and they tend to think they ‘own us’. The things that they accuse you off is actually their confession to you. its projection. Don’t believe their reality because its not real. Im now getting counselling and the counsellor feels that ive made a lot of progress on my own. Coming on this forum talking through everything and getting a good understanding of what happened. I still have work to do but im nearly there. What I want to say is you can and will recover. Have faith. Read and talk – be angry – cry and inbetween enjoy the laughs and the good things in life. As time goes on the good out weighs the bad. that is my experience down the road. keep your chin up xx much love diymum

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you diymum. It’s so lovely to hear that you are stronger than ever. I’m determined…and every time I have A doubt or wobble I come on here. Whilst it’s terrible to hear what people are and have gone through, I’m grateful to hear That I’m really not alone. You all have given me strength to, at the very least, push through. I know it will most likely be a long road, but I’ve started down it.

[diymum@1]

You have and I certainly didn’t think I’d get through. Of course we do 😘everything changes with time xx you need lots of support ❤️Keep going ur doing great xx

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank u so much.
It’s the usual that u see on here though. Was unwittingly pulled away from just about everyone. Family aren’t great support – kind of ‘well you made your bed so…’ attitude.
And with lockdown it’s hard to even see how to change that in the short term.
Such uncertain times for everyone. Stay strong and safe and thanks again for all of the kind words. X

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