A Clean Break – giving up everything

[Ashes]

Last week I was thinking about going through the legal aid process and taking him to court for emotional, psychological, financial and physical abuse and most likely would have been on the winning end eventually. Living in the house with him is tormenting me. I’m stuck in my room when he is in the house (works from home). I don’t go in the kitchen so usually don’t eat as I don’t want to see him unless I go out to grab a bite. He is in another relationship so has been tormenting me with that for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years and wants me gone from the house and the fact that she has moved down the street from us has completely destroyed me. I don’t qualify for refuge because of that so really have no where to go and can’t move In with my children.

My children are in their (detail removed by Moderator) now so I don’t have any responsibility other than being a loving grandmother to 2 which is difficult because they don’t like coming over because of the tension.

Money means the world to him and he would sell his own blood to protect it. Ive now made a decision to make a clean break, forgo my rights in the home and any financial maintenance from him and just leave and never look back. I don’t want to fight for years in court. My mom lives abroad and I was thinking of going and staying with her until I can start over again.

Not everyone agrees I should give up everything but somehow to me it feels the right thing to do. I need money to survive but if it’s going to cost me my health and sanity, which it has, it’s not worth it. I am riddled with pain, fear and anxiety and can hardly get out of bed most days because of him. All my children and grandchildren live here and I would miss them terribly but i don’t want to start year 2018 with him in my life. I want my freedom and health back.

Any thoughts?

[KIP.]

I went through something very similar to you. Living with my husband while he rubbed his new relationship in my face. Like you at the time I just wanted to run. Luckily he assaulted me, was arrested and bailed so I got to stay in the home while going through the nightmare of divorce etc. What I would say is that if you do not feel like you can deal with things at the moment. Doing nothing is also an option. As the years passed my strength returned and I’m more than a Match for him now. I would have totally regretted giving him everything and I’ve seen other posts on here saying they regret not fighting for their share. Watching his new girlfriend move into their home. What he is doing is shocking to most normal people. To us, it’s just a continuation of abuse. So yes, move away until you feel strong but meantime get a good solicitor to represent you in your absence. Let them deal with him. You can get free legal advice by ringing Rights for Women. Or ring the helpline number on here. My ex told me for years that the house would have to be sold if I left him and I would get nothing. Liar liar. Sitting in the house and kept other assets. Don’t believe a word he says. Maybe someone from Women’s Aid can help and go to see a solicitor with you. Just don’t make any rash decisions when your mental health is already compromised x

[Ashes]

Hello KIP

Thanks so much for your advice it really means a lot. I’ve only today thought about this second option of doing nothing and then I read your response. This must be a sign as I have been praying for a solution. As I don’t qualify for refuge my only option is to move in with my Mom until I get my strength back and she lives abroad. I’m hoping moving to another country doesnt cause any problems but I will call womens aid – who I have been trying but with no luck of getting through. I’ve spoken to a few solicitors but just have not found the One. Again, thank you and I have some direction and feel this option may just work. ashes

[KIP.]

Just get good legal advice so he cannot run up debt in both your names. Get a legal separation in place x

[Dragonfly]

Hey. I know you already have but think about this some more. To me it sounds like he’s killed your spirit and you don’t care anymore. You have rights, you’re entitled to your share. Please get legal advice. Do the clean break, you’re still entitled to what’s yours x

[Confused123]

hey hun

at the moment you are feeling very hurt and crushed which is expected,he will always rub the new lady in your face and try break u more, get loads of positive support around u, keep calling womens of right for advice too , to see where u stand legally . When i left my ex it took me (detail removed by moderator)months to even approach a solcitor and i was so like have had it with this guy, has taken everything of me, left me with zero starting from scratch again , was effecting my health and i thought just f off out of my life and let me breath. A solcitor actually said to me as hurt as u are, gain the strength from somewhere and fight for what is yours, dont give him such a easy escape after ripping your life apart, if not for you , do for your kids as life is a real b**** out there. YOu have one chance to claim, if u dont win at least u know u tried. IT has to be your own personal choice, (detail removed by moderator)years on I am sadly still fighting this f**** and his family, at times i do get get really ill and question myself is it worth it, my kids tell me to give up too and start fresh, but my heart and gut tells me to continue just once give it best i can . I hear some wonderful stories how ladies have a brill outcome, the odd story where ladies have had to give up due to the costs . Each of us have our own story, i owuld say get legal advice b4 u take any action, time for them to get a big dose of their own medicine , if one thing that has kept me going on days where i could give up is the ladies on here supporting me to hang in , each day i remind myself i am one step closer to ending this nightmare, they really are ruthless . look at all your options, throw them at us and we will see how we can guide u, i personally had to leave marital house and private rent, i had to also relocate ,(detail removed by moderator) but i am going to fight for what is due to me for inconvience caused, stay strong

[Ashes]

Thank you all for your support. You have all been very helpful and I’ve now decided to file for divorce before I leave and fight for my rights and what I’m entitled to. Again thank you and I wish you all much strength and many blessings x*x

[KIP.]

Yay….. well done. Keep posting for support. I hit my ex right where it hurt….. in his wallet. It might seem daunting just now but step by step, day by day you will become stronger. Stay no contact and meantime concentrate on your own healing. Take all the help you can get. Ring the helpline onhere or get free legal advice from Rights for Women x I’m only sitting in my house because I fought tooth and nail. Too many times I came very close to just giving him everything he wanted. Now I know that would never have been enough for him anyway.

[Lightness]

Ashes, I agree that you should fight. Hopefully going no contact with him, other than via solicitors will help you get your strength back. Get advice on jurisdiction if you are considering going abroad – you don’t want to disadvantage yourself.
You sound very strong to me so you can do this. No way could I have continued to live with mine after the relationship ended – it would have destroyed me. You have guts!
x

[Ayanna]

I think you should go to your mother for a few weeks and do nothing about the relationship status.
Enquire how long you can take holidays abroad without losing any financial rights in the relationship.
Gather your thoughts, strength, energy away from him.
Two to three weeks may be enough for you to produce a plan how you want to go forward.
Maybe you find a way to move away from him?
If you live 2 years apart you can have an easy divorce and he will have to pay you.
When you move out whilst married and have no job he will have to pay you.
Speak to Rights of Women when you are strong enough.

[Author]

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