21st May 2021 at 3:41 pm #126146FluffskiParticipant
Im in a process of trying to gedt out of an emptionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive relationship. It’s been this way since (removed by moderator).
I have talked to refuge, my GP, a counsellor, Domestic VIolence helpline quite a few times. I understand the dynamic now and am trying to make moves to get away…in my head.
Refuge told me it would be a good idea if I spoke with the police, I do not want him arrested as feel this would make the situation much worse. But just so that it’s on record what has been happening.
I made an appointment then changed my mind.
The police called me and said we need to see you, either come into the station or we will knock at your door. I agreed to go into the station.
When I arrived I chatted to a young police officer, I made clear I did not want him arrested, I do not want to press charges, if there was a chance that could happen if I made any statement I would leave. He assured me nothing would happen unless I wanted it to..
I talked to him and we completed one of those DV forms. He then said he’d need to speak to his superiors, and came back and said they would be arresting him.
I begged and begged, but they said they have a ‘positive arrest policy’. I explained this is going to make my situation 100 x worse, I am now in effect homeless, he will be angry as hell so any financial agreement will likely be affected by his anger if there is a divorce, I literally have nowhere to go. I expressly told them I did not want any action taken and didnt want them to.
I said Id withdraw my stat6ement. They said they’d arrest him anyway. I feel tricked and duped and Im so scared. My situation was terrible, it’s now desperate.
Im in a mess…how can the police act like this?
21st May 2021 at 6:32 pm #126156DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel… Fluffski,
I am so so sorry to hear you have been let down by the police, I also experienced being let down by the police in my situation so I know how that feels.
However, this was the moment I realised I had to save myself … no one else was going to save me and I found my inner strength.
Has he been arrested yet? As this is going to give you time to get some space between you both. Use this time wisely to make phone calls, get things together and even leave for a refuge or to a family member or friend if you can/need to.
Going to the police may have not exactly worked out how you wanted it to, but use this opportunity to get the wheels in motion and free yourself from this man.
Sending you continued love and support
21st May 2021 at 9:34 pm #126158LisaMain Moderator
It’s upsetting to hear that the police have not supported you appropriately and as you say, possibly have left you in an even more vulnerable position.
This can be a training issue on the police side (not understanding the complexities of domestic abuse and the risks/consequences involved). What the police should definitely be doing if they have decided to go ahead and make an arrest is to then be sure to keep you informed every step after that as to what you then need to do to be safe. They should be helping you find alternative, safe accommodation or at least directing you to your local domestic abuse service and even contact them on your behalf.
If the abuser is arrested by the police and then charged it is then their decision as whether to keep him in custody or to release him on bail. If the perpetrator is released on police bail you should expect that the police inform you about the conditions of the bail. If the bail conditions are then broken you will know what action you should expect the police to take in order to help keep you and your family safe.
If you haven’t already, do speak with your local domestic abuse service as they can help you secure a refuge space (or discuss any other possible options), as well as liaise with the police on your behalf if needed from this point. You can also use Women’s Aid Live Chat service to help secure a refuge space if needed.
It’s so important that you were able to feel in control in your situation. Not only because it safer but because it’s about you being able to make the crucial life decisions for yourself after living with an abuser that took that control from you.
Do let us know how you are moving forward and take good care.
21st May 2021 at 10:12 pm #126160Free petalParticipant
Hi I really feel for you having your wishes completely ignored like that by the police. The problem is sometimes we just need to talk to someone about the abuse but at that moment that’s all we can emotionally cope with. To then go completely against you and not understand the impact it will have is unacceptable. Yes we want to be free of our abusers but in a time that’s right for us . I really hope you are ok xx
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.