A flashback

[Ayanna]

He even decided which face cream I was allowed to use. He gave me a face cream that left my face dry all the time and made me feel very uncomfortable. He said that the cream was best for my skin type. I hated him for that. He would search my work bag if I had his face cream there and not another one. In the house I had no chance of using another cream anyway. I resorted to putting olive oil, hand cream, body lotion on my face because that dry feeling was unbearable.
He really did invade every single space of my life and turned it upside down to the worst. Last night I dreamt about my face cream ordeal and today it does not go out of my head.

[Red1]

((Hug)) and if you said to some people “he makes me wear the wrong face cream” they would think it such a trivial thing, “surely you can use any cream? No one is that petty really?” No. They don’t have to live with it so they have no idea. I’m seeing now that it is little things they control, so small you barely notice at first, everyday little things that make up your whole life before you realise it.

I was overruled on a recent occasion involving 2 of the kids (not his favourites of the kids) and my friend said why didn’t I just offer a different choice that would have been a compromise and the kids wouldn’t have had to go somewhere they wouldn’t enjoy?

Why? Because the fear hits first, in my case me and kids knew he’d go into major sulk for not presenting full perfect family and then what if he goes into full tantrum? rational thinking doesn’t even come into it. You go along with him for a bit of peace and end up saying things you never thought you’d say like “he even controls which face cream I use” in my case it was “my 2 fussy eaters sat in a Chinese restaurant for 2 hours bored and hungry while rest of family ate because they were told not to bring food and to stay off their phones” utterly ridiculous to most people including myself now I say it but sadly not uncommon x

[Ayanna]

He used to beat me if I did not accept what he had decided for me. And after the beating the rape… So I had to comply.
I feared this man like hell.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Ayanna

Thank god we don’t have to live like that any more, I would have to eat food that would make me ill and then there was months that I covered in a rash and rip my skin off in my sleep because he was using powder I was allergic too.

It I ever got the upper hand so to speak he would rape me at some point to prove he was in charge.

And even know I shake life a leaf when I do something I know he would not like.

I think in time it will get easier, trouble I find is that I keep unearthing more ways he use to abuse me.

Its still early days.

FS xx

[Serenity]

Telling me what clothes I should wear, what I should feel,when I should open and shut my mouth, what kind of job I should have, what beliefs I should hold, what I should eat, how I should cook, what I should do in my spare time, how far I should walk, what music I should like, when and for how long I should sleep, what time I should go to bed, what hobbies I should have, how I should wait on him hand and foot…and if I went against any of it, I knew from the ominous silence that he was harbouring such horrible feelings, I was terrified of what he was planning.

[Ayanna]

W*f, they all do the same things. Yes, being able to do everything the way I want is priceless. He told me how I have to cut things when I was preparing food. Which nonsense knife for what …If he caught me doing it my way the abuse started. Sometimes I still catch myself using different knives for different food items, feeling bad when I forget and cut in the ‘wrong’ way. I had to make the bed in a certain way. I still do it that way, then I become angry about myself and change the way I make it.

[Peaceful Pig]

I had a bit of a panic when putting the shopping away the other day, because I’d accidentally squashed a juice carton. I suddenly felt overwhelmed as all the ‘shopping rules’ came flooding back to me: don’t squash anything, get everything in exactly the right place in the car, get bread with a long expiry date, make sure I remember special treats for him to prove I had thought about him but telepathically know that he just changed his mind about what his favourite things are…the list goes on!! It astounds me how I managed to live with that constant anxiety about every minute detail of life and the level of fear it brought up in me even now.

[Ayanna]

It is astonishing how deep this fear sits in our minds. I think talking about it is the only way to overcome it.

[Falling Skys]

That shocks me too that I still panic now when I do something I know would have made him cross. But I’m doing it :).

[Author]

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