a letter i dont have the courage to send

[diymum@1]

to my girl,

You were my first and I had great hopes for you. I love you. I am so sorry for the way things have turned out. I had no idea you would learn so much from what you experienced. I understand it was easier to blame me. I never realised that i was held so captive by the toxicity around us and i wish i could turn back the clock as to what you saw. I was reduced to nothing by him most days all infront of you.I am sorry. At a very young age you said to me mummy you have to leave. I didnt understand the bond i had with him was not love. I new it to be so strong it took presidence over everything even you and i am so sorry. I hope that one day you can understand the pain and the bind i was in. I hope you can forgive me. I feel like ive let you down but i want to make you understand that this was beyond my control. When he finally left i felt that you stepped into his shoes I cannot lie. I couldnt do it again not with you someone i spent everyday with – nurturing you. You are my blood. It is the cruelest thing i will ever face loosing you to him. I hope one day you can respect me. I will never give up on you and i will always be here as your mum.

love always mum

[Yellowflower]

My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel. Your daughter one day will see through him though just as you have I’m sure. I really hope one day you are reunited. You are such a lovely lady so kind hearted and your words really do help so many of us on here. You deserve her back you really do. Big hugs xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Heartbreakingly beautiful. I truly hope she will one day break free and see you clearly x Like us, being ready to escape the fog is a scary and big step but I believe she will take it one day and you and her can finally build the relationship that he so cruelly destroyed any chance of x You deserve to be treated with respect and I truly hope she will realise this x

Sending you lots of hugs, so brave of you to share such a vulnerable and honest letter with us here x

[HunkyDory]

That’s lovely DIY Mum. I hope that one day you can be brave enough to send it and that she will see her mum through all the stuff she has been through. I really hope so. Thank you for sharing such a personal letter, very brave and open of you. Big hugs xx

[DamagedGoods]

DIY mum,
I completely understand. I REALLY do. My ex tortured me mentally every day in front of our kids. I actually disappeared, the person in that house was simply a creation for him. The only joy was my two boys. But any interaction was totally controlled by him. I don’t need to tell you about the constant pressure on my head…I lost my mind.i had a gloriously awful mental shutdown…it felt like my head exploded.

He took pictures of my breakdown. Blackmailed me into signing my boys over to him.

It has broken my spirit. It has broken my heart. I can’t trust. I still sob… years later. The chance to be a mum was all I ever wanted. And he destroyed that. And continues to throw it in my face.

We can only pray for their safety, pray that they’ll get the strength & understanding to break away and have a life of their own. I keep in contact with them coz they’re older now, not children anymore, but still dominated by him. I get calls for help from them when he’s bad and I’ve advised them of what to do. I’ve saved money up and they know I can afford to get them away.

One day….surely good has to win over evil…. It’s my only hope.

You’re not alone.

[diymum@1]

ive been doing some research on how dv impacts on kids – i found a paper written by a police officer of many years. im not sure if your kids turned on you but my daughter stepped right into his shoes. its horrible and shameful to admit that your being abused by your child but this is what happened and i never thought this would ever happen to me. i always thought this happened to other people. this is a taboo subject (parent abuse) but is a form off domestic abuse too. its the most under reported and least discussed topic. there are lots off research from america but the one from greater manchester was quite frankly astonishing. fpr me i realise witnessing dv is one off the biggest factors in children behaving like this towards a parent. i couldnt bring myself to read it all. i knew kids learned in the home about boundaries but to see it in black and white x*x i need to stop torturing myself like this xx thanks for all of your response – im sorry for posting such a deep subject xxxx love diymum

[Iwantmeback]

Hi @DIY, just getting round to read your post. Such a lovely letter, absolutely from the heart. Send it, doubt send it. But you’ve written it, that’s the main thing.did you date it too?
Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

[Author]

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