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    • #112566
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      (I’ve sent this to a national newpaper – I hope they publish it. I wanted to share it here with you)

      Lockdown. What a sweet gift to you. Months of us all being contained together so you can do your worst. When I heard the PM’s announcement another part of me died inside and our son sobbed.

      My life and every emotion is about keeping you calm. Avoiding you getting upset and losing your temper. With me and the children. Keeping you happy and entertained and allowing you to do whatever you like and much of the time nothing much at all. Tiptoeing around you on eggshells.

      To the outside world we are the perfect family. Good looking, living in a nice house with lovely children. You refuse to work and we pretend that you are a big help in my (removed by moderator) business but the reality is that you do very little apart from removed by moderator), squirreling the money away and giving me an allowance. Not working gives you time to charm everyone and do a bit of volunteering. When a job came up at the (removed by moderator) you laughed and said you’d never work again ‘Detail removed by modrator)’.

      My body is broken. Not from physical abuse as you are far too clever for that. But from your screaming rages about my poor behaviour. How I don’t try hard enough to make you happy. The fact that you average (removed by moderator) holidays a year, have 3 or 4 (removed by moderator) and literally anything you want is not relevant. You are not happy and it is All. My. Fault.

      The scars are so deep and the wounds still weep. Each time you speak another fresh scar appears deep deep in my soul. Your voice triggers panic, fear, dread. I can’t breath when you are around and literally shake. I spill things and you mock me. Or you try and engage me in a battle of words to demonstrate how stupid I am.

      Yes I do answer you back. Yes I am unhappy and frustrated. Yes I do protect our son. Oh our poor son. How much you have hated him growing up and turning into a man. You have tried so hard to suppress this. Keeping him in his (removed by moderator) bedroom. Expecting him at nearly (removed by moderator). Refusing him a desk to study for his GCSE’s. Refusing him his own laptop. Or to be allowed to spend his money on building a PC. You pick pick pick at him to destroy his confidence, You change the goal posts. Like me he can never get it right. You mock him too. His school know there is a problem but not that it is you. Yes he is online too much. It’s where he can hide from you. I hide out there too and you don’t like it because you can’t control us there.

      And what of our poor daughter. Your girlfriend. You are attempting to replace me with her. You issue her instructions about running our home when you are not around even if I am there. Of course you are in charge of everything apart from working. Our daughter was (removed by moderator) yrs old at the start of lockdown. You have stolen her childhood when you sob on her lap in one of your sobbing rages. When you lie entwined with her on the sofa each night. When you groom her to get me and her brother into trouble. She watches all the time to step in a sooth you. When you tell her you aren’t sleeping with me because you don’t feel like ‘it’ after my poor behaviour. She’s just a young girl. Leave her alone you cruel, cold hearted abusive bully.

      I had no voice. I had no hope. Everyone believed you about how amazing you were and I had my lines to say when I was on the phone or social media. Boy was I good at covering up for you and presenting a rosy picture to everyone.

      Lockdown lifted but you carried on tormenting us because the children did not go back to school. And then one day after another screaming rage which went on for hours and hours I saw the light. The red light. It started flashing and the north wind blew.

      I told a friend I wanted to end my marriage and she told me about Women’s Aid. I logged on and looked at the descriptions of abuse and those women knew. They had experienced my life. My marriage. My reality. And they encouraged me to reach out locally. So I did and my goodness. The speed of the reaction. Everyone I spoke to knew. They understood. They got the danger we lived in and told me it was wrong. It was a very serious matter. It didn’t have to be my life anymore. I didn’t have to be controlled by you in this prison camp you call ‘My home’ and I call ‘The house of horrors’.

      They have flagged our property as one where Domestic Abuse takes place and Social Services are moving in because your behaviour to both our children is not right. It’s abusive. You have committed an offence. They are both trying to grow up in a terrible environment and although you want me out and away that is just to going to happen. Of course you have threatened me with many terrible consequences. And claimed you are the victim and I won’t be believed. But these professionals know about men like you. I’ve suffered too much for too long to let you win this war. You will not abuse me and my children anymore.

      Even now you refuse to leave and are trying to pretend everything is as it was. But I am gathering a good team around me (in secret) and on this one, the law is on my side. Go or be removed. Your choice.

      I’m getting my voice back. I’m still scared but I know that even though you don’t beat me up you are abusing me and people will help me. Just like the White Witch you will lose your power. Winter will soon bring Christmas and then spring. The sun will shine and we will be in a house that you can never enter. And then the healing will start. I gave you everything and you abused me. I will never ever understand this and I know you will never take any personal responsibility for what you have done.

      But I won’t care. Because I will be free. I will be gone. I will be happy again and get that peace I have longed for, for years.

      ANON

      If you publish this please donate the £25 to Women’s Aid

    • #112569
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Oh Star…
      I really hope it does get published, but even if it doesn’t I hope every woman on this site reads it, and I hope it’s not moderated (given you want it published anyway).
      Thank you for putting it into words so eloquently. Please stay with us whatever happens because I seek you out.
      I may be reaching a turning point this weekend, and you have given me courage.
      Thank you
      LB x

    • #112571
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      With you all the way LB! I’ve edited it a bit and if they don’t publish it (I’ve had a few published before) it’s been great to put how I’m feeling into words.

      I won’t go back now. The only way is forwards. The road ahead is rocky but the path before was jagged and dangerous. On this new journey there will be helping hands to guide us and a very bright sun is already shining to light our way.

      Good luck this weekend. Strength and courage to you my sister.

      Star xx

    • #113016
      Wiseafter
      Participant

      Amazing. I truly believe that the lid needs to be lifted on this appalling crime. This is 2020 FFS!! At the end of the day we talk about relationships, husbands and partners like they are our equals but we live with criminals, dominators and aggressors. The world should know. It should be a national outing of all these men who are walking the earth and treating women and children in this way. Good for you. So proud of you for speaking out. I have made some bags and t-shirts I am going to sell and profits will go to WA. Just a small thing but trying to do what I can. xx

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