A little overwhelmed

[Marthamoo]

You would think after leaving 3 times before that it would get easier. But I am not sure it does. I am feeling overwhelmed at what I am contemplating doing. My headaches are back as are my small panic attacks. If I don’t think about leaving I am fine but once I start thinking, my mind goes into overdrive.

My situation is maybe slightly odd in that I already have a house with 90% of our things there. My and my children lived there until just before Christmas. I left earlier this year and we haven’t managed no contact, mainly due to the fact that he looks after our youngest when I am at work. Initially I had set up the childcare so I didn’t need him but he persuaded me that it would be better if he looked after our youngest, like he had before. This meant that I saw him at least (detail removed by Moderator) days per week and it has allowed him back into my head. He begged me to go back to him before Christmas and like a fool I did. I feel back to square one. The fact I have a house waiting isn’t making this any easier.

I know that I will have to go no contact if I am ever going to be free from him. I have spoken to my youngest’s nursery and they have sessions available that would mean I don’t need him for childcare. They need to know asap as there is only 1 place left on some of the sessions I need. I am really struggling to say yes because I will have committed myself to the process of breaking free for good. I am scared about the whole thing.

I would go as far to say that I am crippled with fear at the prospect of what lies ahead and how he is going to take our split again. He thinks it is a done deal and that I just need to give up my house and we’ll be a family again. I feel awful that I didn’t have the courage to tell him before Christmas. I feel I have led him on somehow. I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t face all the upset at Christmas.

The more I think about things the more anxious I feel. I can’t bear the prospect of starting again with our marriage yet I am frozen with fear at the prospect of telling him it’s over and cutting him out of my life.

[Lisa]

Hi Marthamoo,

Really sorry to read that you are having such a tough time and suffering from headaches from all the stress. Have you thought about calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247? I think talking to someone directly might really help you. Sometimes just getting everything off your chest and speaking to someone who understands make all the difference.

Try not to focus on what you haven’t managed to do (like speak to him before Christmas) and focus on what you think could help your situation. Like you mentioned, going no contact, despite how hard it would be, will make all the difference. You are not able to think about anything else at the moment and that is exhausting.

It’s really great that you have come on here to vent about how you are feeling. Keep talking to us. You are making important steps all the time.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[Marthamoo]

Hi Lisa

Thank you for your message.

I have tried to get through a couple of times but will keep trying.

I have taken a leap of faith and secured the nursery sessions for my daughter. I have a few weeks before they start so it gives me a bit of time to sort my head out. That said, it has also given me a deadline which is good in one way but totally freaks me out in another. I am going to speak to work this week and try and rearrange my work pattern. I don’t think it will be a problem (fingers crossed anyway). Just not trying to this too far ahead or I will talk myself out of it all xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi marthamoo,

Well done for securing the nursery place. That is the start towards no contact with him. Don’t worry about the feelings that lay ahead that you will have to feel as you break free for him.

Take one day at a time with your feelings (just post on here with your feelings ) and we’ll support you. You will move through them. Don’t be afraid of breaking free from him for good. Yes it is difficult, but lots of us on here have done it. We know how difficult it is (due to having loved them and made worse by the ‘trauma-bond’). You will get through this by taking it one day at a time.

Small steps are all that are needed. He cunningly manipulated you back into contact with him. They all do that. That has happened to most of us one time or another. We are trusting and normal (and busy with life and children so its not always possible to be aware). They are devious, cunning, manipulative and subtle.

You have overcome a lot of hurdles. You have a house without him. You are setting up childcare without him.

No need to tell him you are cutting him out of your life and telling him its over. You don’t owe an abuser any explanations. He lost the right to an explanation the day he started abusing you. Just start carrying out small actions everyday with a view to cutting him out of your life and post the feelings that arise on here.

You will get through this.

[Winterblues2]

Hi Marthamoo,

I was going to post words of advice and support but lover of no contact’s post summed everything up perfectly!

If it helps though, I found making steps like nursery helped massively as I knew there was no going back. I used the first 2 weeks after his arrest to make as many of these massive steps as I could in order to give myself less and less chance of going back.

We’re here if you need us x

[Marthamoo]

Thank you both so much. I’ll just keep slowly pushing forward and focusing on why I have to do this x

[Winterblues2]

Write it down if you can… I have a little books of truths. It contains memories of the abuse and quotes/sayings that have meaning to me and spur me on. If I ever need reminding it is there, nowadays I only have to catch sight of the book and see how used it is to remember.

[Author]

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