A little unsure

[Malabma]

I’ve been in this relationship for sometime. We have children together. I only see certain friends because when I’ve gone out with others he can get nasty, messaging me when I am out, name calling and accusing me of cheating. I generally don’t go out because it’s easier. I am always wary of what I say and how I say things in case he gets annoyed. I don’t see my family too much because ‘they don’t like him’. He drinks too and sometimes it can get too much, the ‘chat’ is nasty and goes on for a few hours. It’s relatively calm at the moment so I wonder whether I am overreacting. I don’t really know what to do from here.

[Camel]

Hi Malabma

Welcome to the forum. The fact that you’ve found your way here is evidence that you’re unhappy with your relationship and know instinctively that things are not right.

It’s astounding how many first posts ask ‘am I overreacting?’ The answer is, no you’re not. You’re asking if this is abuse and the answer is, yes it is.

You also ask what you should do from here and I would say read everything that other women have to say on this thread. No one will push you to do anything you’re not ready for but do reach out if you can. Know that you’re not alone.

[Goingthroughit]

I would say it is abuse 1 because your here and 2 because your not going out because it’s easier it’s almost like your not allowed I’m out of my abuse relationship but this is only the beginning stay in here and like camel said read others questions stories you will see similarities
Also calling u names is abuse drink or not
Xx

[Onlyintime]

Hi babe. Yes you are being abused. It is like a mental torture when they go on for hours. You try to defend yourself but what really is the point. By the time he is done you are confused broken and exhausted. Keep reading here that’s what I’m doing. I visit here every day to assure myself that I am not insane or reading into things too much. The similarities in all our stories are great. Keep reading. X*x

[Malabma]

Thank you for your comments. It’s all a bit weird really. I never really considered it was like this. I just figured he’s just a volatile person, that it’s just the way he is. I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s hard to know how to remove myself from the situation.

[Kitkat44]

Hi there Malabma,
I feel the same, unhappy and knowing things aren’t right, some behaviour is subtle and other stuff is way ott and totally unacceptable.
Want it to end but know this will cause huge upset and upheaval and just can’t bring my self to say it out loud.
Had a life coaching session yesterday but just couldn’t say the words even to my coach.
Keep reaching out for advice
Xx

[Malabma]

It’s going to be a massive upheaval and it is hard to say stuff like this out loud. It’s taken me a long time to even join here because I just didn’t know what to say. (I still don’t really!) Hang in there KitKat, we’ll get there.
X

[Kitkat44]

Thank you, it’s such a relief to have this space and time to understand, take care xx

[Headspinning]

I think in the early days of realisation it’s hard to believe it’s actually happening. What does it say about us that we are so gullible to end up in that position. Then they can be nice, which makes you minimise it.

It’s just easier to stay, not admit it’s happening, tell ourselves the good times are normality and we will find a way to deal with the bad times. We try lots of normal tactics – talking rationally to explain how their actions make us feel (that didn’t work-you are told you are over reacting, or maybe they agree to change….for all of 5 minutes…!). Ok, they have reoffended – we are strong women, we will fight them at their own game – if he shouts I will shout louder! If he moans at how I do things I’ll moan at how he does things! That will teach him how if feels and of course he will stop…..wrong! You just end up in an even more volatile situation, your shouting gives you additional stress – and now he is using your temper retaliation to make out you are the one with the problem! By now we are quite deeply into this relationship – maybe we have kids, a joint mortgage, the thought of untangling seems huge….so we go into ourselves. We try to stop reacting, we start to change our behaviour, the rules and expectations get tougher, the reasons for them to get triggered get more minor, their remorse gets less and less, our resentment gets higher. We lose confidence and respect for ourselves because we feel responsible for creating our own bed. We have put up with some really bad behaviour behind closed doors for quite often years – we are embarrassed to tell others and admit what we have tolerated. We hope the good guy we met will reappear and it will all be ok. We waste time researching medical conditions and mid life crisis in the hope we can find a way to diagnose and cure him.

And we forget to think about ourselves! It’s not our job to cure them! It’s not our fault we ended up in a rubbish situation – we were duped! It’s not for us to feel embarrassed and ashamed – it’s for them! We didn’t create this bed – they did with their actions!

I think my advice would be to stop trying to understand and fix them, start concentrating on our own mental health, think about what things we need in our lives to make us happy, then start to find ways to take small steps towards that. They destroy our love for them and we don’t owe them the rest of our lives.

Whilst you are working on yourself set clear boundaries – what behaviour is not ok. If he is a decent guy who has no EQ then you have half a chance of educating him…..but in all likelihood by the time we find our way to this forum we already know he’s an abuser – and he is going to step right over those boundaries proving you right. And the longer it’s tolerated the worse it will get – I know because I have been there!

[Malabma]

Thank you Headspinning. That is so true, we do forget about ourselves. It’s like I brush it under the carpet the way I’ve been made to feel and when it’s calm I think oh maybe it’s ok.
(detail removed by moderator) I was making dinner and when he came in he wasn’t in a great mood and he got cross that I had made it wrong, he was so annoyed and saying that I should at least try and make nice food for us. I had no idea what I had done wrong with it. He apologised later because he realised it was actually ok and I then let it go. I think I perhaps shouldn’t have.

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