1st February 2021 at 3:56 pm #120840BrowneyespParticipant
I havent been on here for a few months and guess i wanted to find a little familiarity with how i am feeling at the moment and see if someone can help me understand my feelings a little better. I will just say, this is a HAPPY ending, it was a HAPPY ending, but we are all aware that time is a healer, and i am still very much going through recent changed.
After the incident and walking away from my relationship i have spent a little while working on “me”. I will just say, the walking away didn’t happen over night, there were calls, arguments, etc etc etc, but i worked really really hard to say “Enough is enough” and i can now say this is the longest i have ever gone without hearing from my abuser. After a final outburst, i was accused of having “relations” with somebody i have never even heard of, never mind spoken to, before i used to have this burning need to prove my abuser i was telling the truth, i would get this overpowering frustration where i was desperate to show him that he was WRONG and i did not deserve what he was putting me through… but this time, after this particular argument, i had 0 urge. Enough really was enough, i wasnt wasting anymore time, and i have left him to believe whatever the hell makes him feel better about why our relationship didnt work out. I accept i will never get an apology, i accept that i will never make him see he was wrong, and i now know that if he was to believe me it would mean accepting that he is an abusive, manipulative monster and i dont think he would be so cocky and confident then!
Since the break up, I have rekindled friendships, brought new clothes and makeup, restored my savings, heard things like “You are glowing”, “you have really come out your shell” in work and personal life, i walk with my head up, and i no longer get this sick feeling in my stomach, i sleep through the night, but he is still very much in my head.
I do not want to speak to him, or see him, but he consumes my thoughts still, i have not moved on nor feel ready to, and the only way to describe how i feel is “vanilla”, the intensity of the relationship the good the bad and ugly, has meant this “normal” calm environment feels unnatural. I just wondered if anyone else understands what i am trying to explain because i fear if i say this to friends or family they will assume i miss my old life, when this isnt the case. I guess i just forgot what life is life when you aren’t living this complete isolated drama, and if there are tips to keep your mind occupied and how to enjoy peace.
I am jumping up in my career, my savings look healthy, i laugh all the time, so if you are reading this thinking “oh it doesnt get any better” please believe me when i say it does… the adjusting and the quiet is something that just feels very strange! (Sorry for rabbiting, but you all used to help so much when i didnt know how to explain myself)
2nd February 2021 at 5:32 pm #120909LisaMain Moderator
Good evening Browneyesp,
Thank you for your post. I’m so pleased to hear that you have managed to remain out of the abusive relationship and that things are continuing to improve in your life. You have done amazingly well.
It’s completely understandable to have a feeling that life can be ‘vanilla’ once you have left an abusive situation. Living with abuse is a rollercoaster of emotions which keeps us in high-stress, high-alert mode. Life with an abuser can be unpredictable and the highs and lows of an abusive relationship can be extreme. It’s very common for us to become adjusted to this and for the abuse to become ‘normal’.
It’s will take a while to adjust to your new freedom. Have you been able to access any emotional support to process your experience, and to have an opportunity to reflect and recognise what you’ve been through? It might be an idea to have a look at the Counselling Directory to see if there is someone you could contact in your area.
It sounds like you are already taking advantage of your new freedom. It’s great that you are able to use it to reconnect with yourself and the things you enjoy. Many women find that they are able to explore their own interests again and have an opportunity that they didn’t have before to pick up new or old hobbies, meet new people, or to simply do things at home that they may not have felt able to before.
If you are looking for something more stimulating, it might be an idea to take on a new challenge, or you could try writing a bucket list of exciting things you’d like to do, or fears you’d like to conquer, and beginning to plan towards achieving them.
Please do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
25th February 2021 at 2:49 pm #122336sweet4Participant
What a lovely and happy story.
Im just at the beginning i hope i have a story like yours to tell the forum, such positives.
Sending you a virtual hug. xx
25th February 2021 at 5:54 pm #122347beachhutParticipant
I fully understand where you are coming from. We lived a lie and kept what was happening in our life from everyone. So we are out and our lie continues, the makeup goes back on and we rebuild the material things in our lives, to most people we are moving on, the exterior showed we are, but inside the hurt is still there, we were used to someone being there questioning, abusing and at times assaulting. That was our norm. Our norm now is us, we need to find the new us, we are capable women who with time I believe will find our way again. It is difficult for people who have not been where we are to understand, it does not help that at present we have time, to much time, restrictions due to COVID are horrid, but use this time to rest and if you can like I am trying to do, build a road map of the direction you want your life to take, there will be days when the loneliness is palpable but being lonely on your own is better than being lonely with a monster.
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