A new relationship

[Gemma]

I have recently started a new relationship. We started as friends, he is someone I knew at school. He is local, kind, gentle and patient. We have been seeing each other for about (detail removed by moderator) months and I care very much for him. He knows all about my past and couldn’t be more understanding.

The problem is, he has been talking about us moving in together and I am alternately torn between liking the idea to being frightened of it. It’s taken me well over a year to feel comfortable with living alone. I fed safe. The thought of living with someone again, no matter how lovely he is fills me with panic. Is this a normal reaction?

[KIP.]

Hi Gemma, I think (detail removed by moderator) months is very very quick to be talking about moving in with someone. Even without a history of abuse. Please don’t be rushed into doing anything that doesn’t feel right. Living alone gives you space to deal with your insecurities and heal in a healthy way. You need to feel one hundred percent happy with the arrangement before you take such a big leap. If he truly has your best interests at heart he will understand a wait till you are totally ready. It sounds like you’re still vulnerable so not a good time to be making life changing decisions. Maybe start with him staying over at weekends and see how you get on but set your boundaries and don’t be pressured. You shouldn’t feel panic at the thought of living with someone. You’re feelings will change over time. Just wait till it feels totally right for you. There’s no rush x

[Gemma]

Hi Kip,

Your right, it is too fast. It seems to have got serious very fast. He says he loves me very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We are both (detail removed by moderator) so not young and there is that feeling of not being able to waste time. My feelings for him are also intense, and marriage has been discussed.

I just don’t understand why my feelings tend to fluctuate between feeling very much in love to feeling claustrophobic and anxious. He is nothing like my ex. He loves that I work and am independent. He knows my children and grandchildren will always come first, and thinks that’s how it should be. He is very gentle and kind. And yet.. there is a part of me that is worried about the intensity of it. Of my feelings which can be just as ardent as his. With my ex, everything was extremely intense from the start. We moved in together really quickly. I see these parallels and I think that’s what scares me and worry that’s it’s normal and healthy.. people can I know fall in love quickly. But I do not want to lose myself again. As I said he is nothing like my ex.. but the intensity of it reminds me of the early days of my past toxic one in the honeymoon period, but without the possessive and jealous behaviour.

Or am I just overthinking it and anxious for nothing. By the way he has said we shouldn’t live together until and unless I M 100 percent sure.

[HunkyDory]

I’d say enjoy it but take your time. Listen to your gut instincts and if you continue to not feel 100% happy then wait until you are before proceeding any further. If he’s a good ‘un he’ll understand if he knows your history. Xx

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