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Hi All,
I’ve just finished reading Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. I found it really accessible and balanced. It also gives you journalling questions at the back which are really helpful.
It is US based so they mention the banned terms but it’s not allowing those terms to grant a get out jail free card. In fact the author is very plain talking about their responsibility for the chaos and damage they have done.
As someone that avoids a lot of books about abuse due to triggers, this was a breath of fresh air and caused me to call him many names as I read and recognised his behaviour.
Definitely worth investing 99p for the Kindle version!
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Here’s some good quotes from her. That book looks good. I’m going to get it. Thanks x
“By the time survivors are compelled to leave their psychologically abusive relationships, they do not see any other viable option but to leave. They have tried anything and everything to keep their relationship going. No matter how hard they tried to fit the mold the abuser wanted, it was never enough.”
“Becoming fully aware of the dynamics of psychological abuse is not an easy truth to absorb.”
“It is not about holding on to hurts but not allowing time or distance to distort the truth about the abuse.
“When an abuser gaslights, he or she sets up situations to make the target doubt their own memories and assessments of situations. This is done in order that survivors will become so unsure of themselves they hand over reign of their lives to the abusers.”
“Normal people have a hard time comprehending that abusers go to such lengths, but they do.”
“Rarely does a toxic person give an authentic apology. To do so would be too much evidence that they are just like everyone else and flawed.”
“Restoration is to take the actions that are within our power to restore what our abusers took from us.”
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Just going on one of those quotes after I left I found one that was something like
When the fear of staying becomes greater than the dear of leaving then is the time to go.
This was very helpful for me in the months after remembering that he was going to try and kill me either way so I might as well give it 1 last try. -
Hey Littlefish, I remember getting to that stage to. Where the fear of leaving became less than the fear of staying. I remember thinking if I stay he will kill me or I will kill myself. Sometimes something just clicks and we make that move. It’s so much easier when we have support, sadly a lot of the time we are isolated. Thanks goodness for women’s aid and such like. Enjoy your freedom. You’ve worked hard for it x
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Yes I’ve gotten the book a year ago, I forgotten all about it, thanks to your post i’ve re read some of it and am grateful to you for reminding me of it. I relate mostly to the stage four when implementing boundaries and I found some relief in reading that most survivors find themselves stuck at this stage, it rings very true for me, I seem to stagnate for almost a year now, not quite sure how to find any balance between connecting with others and keeping safe in my bubble. I’ve been betrayed by lots of friends and family and the remaining I have pushed them away myself, to keep myself safe and I find it difficult to trust my own intuition since I’ve made some bad choices in my past.
It’s like my intuition is on strike, I have no compass to guide me, I’m unsure what and whom I can trust these days, most of all can I trust myself to see any abusers in the future? Tough stage I’m telling you. Can’t wait to reach the restoration stage, I am in dire need some of some action, I can’t stand the inactivities and self-reflection of stage four. Getting there.
Were are you at Escapee? Share only if you wish to okay 😘 -
Hi HLJ 😊
I’m stuck at the boundaries stage too!
It’s that knowing what’s ok and what isn’t! I’m concerned my head will have super solid boundaries made of rubber that just bounces everyone away but my heart is like a puppy dog that will just roll over for a belly tickle!
I’m still struggling with the letting go too – I just think I’ve started to win and then I forget for a split second that I’m not allowed to dwell on him and then bam! I’ve taken three steps backwards 🙄.
But then I get KIPs words whisper in my ear……baby steps…..I can do those. And then I look at how far I’ve come and realise that a few steps backwards isn’t such a big deal considering the giant leaps made since my wake up call!
I hope we both manage to sneak past this stage and shock ourselves to realise we’ve cracked it 😉.
X*x
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Lol yes that puppy sweetness remains in us no matter how much we know about abuse. It reminds me of a scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary, the second one I believe where she was looking for some files at work and Hugh Grant walked in and switched off the lights and she was being cold to him (for good reasons!) but then he complimented her on her skirt and she replied all happy ‘oh do you like it?’ it reminds me of that 😆
Yes I have a feeling it will be quite a realisation, we will be there already and at moment of quietness will realise hey we actually made it!!! 💫🌻🌸
Until then baby steps indeed 😉 -
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