A year later

[Janedoeissad]

I left just over (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Last year I was so proud of myself and I had a little counselling and did some courses to help with self esteem, etc. Sometimes I felt upset about everything but never actually depressed.

This Christmas I just feel really low.

My life has ground to a halt because the house just won’t sell. So I’m stuck living with family AND paying for a house I can’t live in as he is too nearby. The family situation has improved slightly but they are not people I’d choose to live with. I feel lonely for the first time in my life despite being surrounded by amazing friends.

I just want to move on and I feel like I can’t do that when I still have to email him about the house. I want him gone completely out my life.

I feel utterly depressed and alone. I’m trying so hard to show myself that isn’t the case. I’m trying to focus on any achievement but the depressed feeling just keeps coming. I feel so sad. 😔

[Tiffany]

It’s a hard time of year. We’re supposed to feel festive and happy, but in reality it is dark and damp and damp and frankly everything can feel worse than it is. I felt awful during my first Christmas away from my abuser. Actually I felt awful this Christmas too. I had a relapse of my chronic illness and started to be scared that what my abuser told me, that I could never have a proper life with my illness, was true. That all the progress I had made was worth nothing, because I could never have kids or get a high status job. Utter nonsense of course. My relapse is abaiting now and I am starting to feel much better. I had thought I might be suffering from SAD, which could be affecting you too? It’s also a high pressure time to feel you have “achieved” something. I bet you have achieved many many small things. I know your living situation is far from ideal, and honestly living with family can be isolating. I still find it hard that I can’t really invite my mates round to my house (I am still with my parents too) but it’s so much better than living with our abusers.

I hope your house sells soon and you can move on (I am also jealous that you have a house and will therefore I would assume eventually be able to afford another). It will take me another year to save enough for the cheapest houses currently available in my area. If the prices don’t go up too much. And I don’t get sick again and have to cut my hours at work. We’ll both get there in the end though.

[puzzledatlife]

Hi both. Thanks for sharing. I feel very sad too.
I don’t miss my ex exactly. I wonder whether I have endured the hardship of being in that relationship as this filled up a void inside me. Because now i feel that void but not because I miss him…
I will surround myself by people tonight as i know this makes me feel happier. I am more serene when I have people around.
(detail removed by Moderator) was the first Xmas and new year apart. He shut all off suddenly. I tried to take my life as the pain was unbearable. It felt like being caught in a car crash and your family has been halved. I felt a totally useless mother and I was convinced it was better for my child to be raised by my family back in my country. I have been all along a mother in pain. Yes with a good career lots of friends, very close and lovely friends, but essentially suffering because I was never able to give my son the family I had dreamed of. My brother and sister both have that family I longed for and I couldn’t see why my son should keep living under the spell of this mom in pain, huge pain, in a different country as an immigrant, in the dark and dump north speaking a language that isn’t ours. I just felt it would be best to go and let go, let him be raised by my family in a more serene setting with his cousins who he adores.
This year has been a struggle to feel safe and I have abhorred the idea of other men and relationships. Perhaps it would have helped to start a new relationship but it felt disgusting and scary.
Now the end of the year comes. I have no contact with him or his kids. One of them lived with me and we love each other dearly. (detail removed by Moderator)he switched off everything. Blocked me from all forms of contact. I don’t miss him as such, and at all I think. But it has been such an awful awful experience that the marks are there vivid and fresh like bruises. It feels sad humanity is like this. I struggle with the thought that humans are so awful at times and life seems full of unnecessary pain. Yet I don’t know any more How to make it better.
So…sorry to be depressive. So what I’ll try to do…be with people. Look after our new puppy. Cook for whoever wants to eat with us. Dress nicely for those who will host me. Log in here and just be present the way I can for those who are like me sad today X

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Jane,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling low. I have found the phrase ‘recovery from abuse is like a rollercoaster’ to be true and it sounds like you’re currently going through a dip. The house not selling must be very frustrating. I know it sounds simplistic but could you write a list of 10 thing you could try differently to sell it? Such as painting a room, marketing it slightly differently, things like that. I know it must be really difficult with him living there but once it’s sold it will be all over and it might be just one small thing that attracts the right buyer.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to suddenly have this amazing life after we escape an abuser. I think it’s possible to have a good life but it takes time, there are always life challenges on top of all the challenges of healing from trauma. It’s also not a competition, nor a race, and there are no deadlines and or timescales. Each of us is on our own journey with our own challenges.

If it helps I am facing some of big challenges myself. I’m currently feeling kind of trapped on benefits and trapped by my parents who sadly I am realising are also abusive. I feel like perhaps they have trained me to depend on them and feel incapable of financial independence so I have to face all those fears about work and financial independence this year to break free and support myself. I have decided to break everything down into small steps because otherwise I get very panicky, overwhelmed and depressed.

I spent Christmas alone this year which wasn’t fun but it was peaceful at least. It sounds like you’re on the right path and this house sale is the next challenge to overcome but you will get there.

Wishing you a happy 2019.

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Tiffany I’m sorry you’ve had a relapse but never will your illness stop youiving your dreams. I hate it when my Exs voice gets in my head and makes me feel ill never achieve anything or go anywhere. I think part of the reason I’m frustrated is because I’m desperate to show him what I’m truly capable of without him. Although I know it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

Puzzledatlife, I’m sorry you are feeling low too. I get what you mean about not missing him but feeling a void. I’ve decided not to judge my life based on other people’s show reels. Yes, your siblings have families and they might appear to be what you’ve always wanted but I’m sure they are not as perfect as they seem and have struggles too. You sound like an excellent Mother and a fab person.

Sunshinerainflower, yes the recovery is a roller-coaster. I am getting longer periods of feeling well now so when I dip, it hits me harder I think.

I think you are incredibly brave and courageous. It takes great strength to choose solitude over bad company. I’m glad your Christmas was peaceful at least.

I’m going to change estate agents in the new year and will make the list of things as you’ve suggested as it might make me feel like I have more control.

It might be because all the festive stuff is over but I feel in a better frame of mind today. I also think it might be just the fact that you all understand.

I honestly feel it was right for things to take this long as it’s given me time to heal before moving on. I would have probably imploded on myself if I had dealt with a new house and how I was feeling.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope all your dreams come true oin 2019

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