• This topic has 22 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by Kaye.
Viewing 14 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #135137
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      If I was in any doubt about needing to leave this (detail removed by Moderator) has firmly confirmed it. (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve had emergency childcare need and visit to A&E plus emergency with a pet being hit by a car and where is he?! Out with his enabling best mate, lying about when he’ll be back, stumbling in at 7am, sending abusive texts about getting other ppl to help because he isn’t going to. It’s like the more help you need the less you see them…and he dares to tell me he’s dad of the year?! I already live as a single parent but with a parasite who causes anxiety, I need to lose the parasite and soon!

    • #135139
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes, I remember the more vulnerable I was the worse he got. He saw my vulnerability as an opportunity to abuse further. He relished it. I had to call the emergency doctor myself and get myself to accident and emergency while he lay in his bed. He dumped me at the door of the hospital once too. It was too much bother for him to come in with me. They really are despicable. Life and soul to complete strangers but treated me like something on his shoe. They really are parasites. Draining any energy we have left.

      • #135144
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Oh yes if he helps in any way at all then every man and his dog is told about it, selling himself as a saint, whilst I’m sitting there thinking you did 1 of the 100 things, I did the other 99! And I think it makes me angry because it’s his kid, fine abandon me but him?! Not ok.

    • #135140
      KIP.
      Participant

      I lived as a single parent for years. Once they’re gone you don’t have someone trying to drag you down and my life got so much easier. We do so much on our own anyway.

      • #135142
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I felt this when I left the hospital, because if I lived alone I’d be looking forward to getting everyone back and relaxing, instead I was dreading the anxiety and constantly listening for the door x

    • #135141
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Was in A&E with my son ? (detail removed by Moderator) got home and he’d got drunk and gone to bed.
      I used to worry about what would happen if I got ill

    • #135143
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I’m sorry to hear this but yep can definitely relate x

    • #135145
      Watersprite
      Participant

      It’s so hard when kids are sick and abuser shows true colours. I hope your son is ok and well done you for holding it all together. Perhaps this is a lightbulb moment – when you are ready get rid of the parasite. It’s easier parenting bu yourself than with an abuser ….. take care x

    • #135147
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes, I’ve had this too.
      As KIP and others say – being on your own though hard is kind of easier as you build alternative networks of people who could help in times of emergency.

      i.e. local taxi company usually way more useful than abusive partner.
      especially if you ask for a female driver…

      they turn up in an emergency…

      • #135262
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I like the taxi analogy lol

    • #135148
      Eggshells
      Participant

      This all sounds so familiar. No help or support at any point. Not even when our baby son was seriously ill in hospital and I was heavily pregnant. Not through months and months of cancer tests or during a serious lung infection.

      Yes, a parasite who just made my life harder. It was like having another child in the house but this was the dark, malevolent child who ruled the roost with his toddler tantrums.

      Life was suddenly much more relaxed and far less demanding when I finally left.

    • #135236
      Hazlenut
      Participant

      As someone else mentioned, once you get out, you find you build a reliable support network that are there in times of need. I remember being very ill when still exclusively breast feeding my second son, he was getting drunk downstairs in the living room, my teenager at least bought some food upstairs for me. Living with a person who only sees themselves is very very hard.

    • #135259
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      The abuse got even worse when I was sick and in the hospital. He put on a good show when the doctors and nurses were around but once I was by myself in the room he was incredibly abusive. No help or support once I got home either. He became even more abusive & abandoned me further. It was absolutely awful.

    • #135260
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      I can relate to this too. Our son is very sick (ongoing care with specialists) so lots of hospital appointments, admissions.. all on me! Apparently his dad is too sorry for himself to lift a finger as I am no longer in love with him. It is like he punishes all of us and has a need to be looked after before our children, me or anyone.
      When I tell him our child has got worse he blames me as I haven’t updated him.. he should find out himself and ask but it is far easier to continue to blame me for everything. As Eggshells said, it was like having another child in the house who demanded all my attention and for his needs to be put first or else!

      • #135263
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I’m so sorry to hear your son is very sick, I hope the doctors can get him better and home with you soon. I’m also sorry you’re experiencing this same abandonment, it’s just one more fight we could do without isn’t it. I find it impossible to understand how drinking or needing their own time takes priority over a child, yet if he’s anything my mine he’s probably busy telling everyone about your son and milking the attention. Keep going, we’re stronger than we realise in times like this xx

    • #135296
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      New low, saying he’s looking after his child in hospital to avoid work and do his own thing 🤦‍♀️

    • #135537
      Kaye
      Participant

      The controlling unfortunately in my life tells everyone how we both ‘supported each other in times of need. He is a pathological liar who wants people to think that he is caring and loving. When I was very sick with (detail removed by moderator) a week later he put me through the guilt mangle about how he couldn’t cope with doing the domestic chores and shopping anymore which was not evident. He left it to me for when I would get better. He did about (detail removed by moderator) and said he was exhausted. Then he started to harass me to get out and go and do shopping. He told people that he was trying to rehabilitate me!
      He would rather me break my back doing the domestic work and then tell people how I have failed miserably failed and I was good for nothing. I now realise that he has used and abused me for his own gain. I have been the doormat.

    • #135538
      Kaye
      Participant

      To some people the fact that the abuser doesn’t help is a joke to them. I was seen as the nagging wife that wouldn’t let him have his fun. Those people who saw the abuse funny actually encouraged this man to get away with it. Or nobody wanted to get involved in a domestic when I talked about what was happening. I was viewed as the person to blame for letting basic standards slip in the home. I was not looking after him and the family properly. I am physically exhausted after 23years of marriage trying to fix the problems without his help. To me this man is the president of the self preservation society. Even down to me doing all the diy stuff. He then comes back with a sarcastic attitude saying that he is only just letting equal rights happen. This is not equal rights this is exploiting me for every ounce of energy I have whilst he plays around.

      • #135562
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Yes! He has a best mate who enables his behaviour, makes him feel like a god and agreed with his ridiculous statements. This mate never says stay with your kids, go to hospital with them not on holiday with me. His parents are similar, I guess they collect enablers to support their sickness

      • #135581
        Kaye
        Participant

        What has really made me doubt myself all these years are him gaslighting me and on top of that people who I thought I could trust enabling him to get away with the abuse. I now have complex PTSD because of this and I feel as if I cannot trust anyone anymore. My fears and feelings being dismissed all the time has made me very insecure about trusting even the very authorities I tried contacting for help. They even dismissed me as being over dramatic and that I should support him. I know that 23 years ago it was different times but that invalidation of my concerns led to my mental health declining really dramatically.

      • #135592
        Kaye
        Participant

        I totally understand where you are coming from here. His enabling friends would not see my side of the situation. The fact that I needed help. I never felt that he was committed helping me however he would try to act the hero to everyone else. He put himself and others before me. To used his charm to make a false impression to people outside that he was this lovely caring man. Behind closed doors he would belittle me.

      • #135604
        Kaye
        Participant

        The controlling seems to be the greatest showman. No one sees the belittling, bullying and shouting at me behind closed door. No one sees the coercive abuse. I would like to say that you deserve so much better than the abuse. I know how hard it is to try and keep hold of your sanity when it is all going on. I have only just started to reach out after all these years and recognising my own self worth. The realisation is very overwhelming but to try and get help for myself now has become my main priority.

    • #135542
      Kaye
      Participant

      If anyone reads this, try to look after yourself first and not accepted the emotional abuse where he blames you for thinking about yourself too much and letting everything slide. And also telling you that you don’t care about him anymore because you don’t do the things you use to to make him happy. In other words be a domestic slave. I now have many underlying health problems because I ignored my own well being just to please this controlling man because I didn’t want him or anyone else to think less of me. I did backflips for him but this was not reciprocated in his actions. Always remember that they will try and manipulate a situation to get the best for them even if it means you end up being very ill. I now realise that I sacrificed my own well being for his and that’s the way he liked it.

Viewing 14 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content