About to leave him

[TheOne]

Morning.
(detail removed by moderator)  months late I am here again. I thought I could cope with the situation myself but I can not.
He does it again and again every few months months.
I pay him but when I can not he threatens with divorce. He wants money but gets angree when I am at work and always tells me that I have to leave this work because I don’t earn enough.
I am trapped.
He doesn’t let me spend money on myself but when I give him money he buys things for himself.
I feel like a slave in our relationship.
I can not dare to leave him cos I don’t have place to live…

[Lisa]

Morning,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Do you think you could find a safe time today to try to phone the helpline? If not today then when you are next in work could you talk to them about your situation and use your work time to gather your options and phone the helpline. If you need somewhere to go the helpline can help you to find a refuge where you can be safe and supported.

Please don’t let him know that you are thinking of leaving as that could make his behaviour worse.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Indiamalachite]

I fully agree with Lisa, phone the helpline for safe advice. They were brilliant with me and helped me plan to leave as safely as possible xxxxx

Good luck and love to you

[TheOne]

Thank you Lisa.
I visited different organisations 6 months ago. They all said that I had to leave him and divorce but I can not. I am scared.

[KIP.]

Fear is what traps us in abuse but there are many people and organisations out there that will help you. You just need to take that leap of faith x

[Twisted Sister]

I’m so glad you reached out to us here and are speaking out about this.

Something triggered you to do the same some months ago you say. Is it your own property or his?

It sounds awful to hear you say ing you can’t cope any more, please do keep posting so we can offer all the help we possibly can.

You sound desperate and it certainly is a desperate place to be feeling so trapped and overwhelmed by him.

Do you have options like any friends or family to could go to?

Please keep posting and getting all the support you possibly can to help you get through this.

Warmest wishes ts

[Tiffany]

There is no way to change him. There is no way to stay in the relationship and make it better. Making relationships better is a two sided process that involves both parties trying to change things. I tried to improve my relationship with my abuser for years, but all that happened was that he took advantage of my kindness to make things worse for me. So unfortunately I think the agencies are right, the only way to improve things is to leave him, or have him removed if you own/lease the flat.

I would suggest that there are probably various things you can do to start to prepare. The biggest is talking to people. Opening up about what is happening really helps you to realise that you are not overreacting to the situation and that planning and leaving without discussing it with him is an acceptable thing to do. The forum is great, as is the helpline. I also talked to work colleagues about relationships in general, and to my family a bit about my relationship in particular. In the end I told about 10/15 people that I was breaking up with him before I did it because I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it if they hadn’t known (word of warning about this one, be really careful not to tell anyone who might tip him off in any way – if you are going into refuge they advise you not to tell anyone apart from the support agencies just in case I think).

I also worked a lot on my feelings of self worth in the run up to leaving. “Treated” myself to stupid stuff, like eating what I actually wanted for dinner instead of trying to guess what my abuser might not yell at me for making. He was going to yell at me anyway, for something, I might as well eat something that I liked. I had this mantra that I chanted in my head ‘it’s ok to do what is best for me, it’s ok to do what is best for me’. Eventually it grew to ‘i have to do what is best for myself’ and I did it and left.

I would also try and consider why you are scared to leave. I didn’t fear physical violence (probably should have done, but I didn’t). I was worried about public opinion – what would people think when I left him (turns out that they thought “well done” and “good riddance) and of him smashing up my belongings, so I got all my most precious items out the house before I left. In the end he was still love bombing when my parents came to pick up the rest of my stuff, so I got that back too. Have a look at your fears and work out how to minimise them. If you are afraid of his response then plan everything out so you are safely away before he suspects anything. You can even do stuff like get a new phone ready for when you leave. Just turn the old one off when you leave and start using the new one. New number, he can’t contact you. If you are worried about what he will do to himself when you leave then contact his friends and family once you are out and tell them you are gone. There are ways to reduce most fears down to a level where you can get out. I won’t tell you that it isn’t still terrifying. It is. But you can still get out.

[Author]

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